Kosovo
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Albanian motto | (Albanian)"In America We Trust" |
| Serbian motto | (Serbian)" смрт голуби" |
| How to get there | Only via Serbia, America, Russia and Albania , No other country is crazy enough to travel to Kosovo. |
| Largest city | БЕОГРАД |
| Official languages | Srpsko-shqipe, shqipe-Srpsko, srpsko-u.n, u.n-shqipe, u.n-srpsko, shqipe-u.n and srpsko-hrvatski |
| President | King Ajdemi Popusi |
| Area | (qefke)NONE |
| Population | 2,000,000 (Sober: none) |
| Time zone | UTC + 1 = 4 |
| Most Popular first names | Milosh & Dardan |
| Most popular words | "whos wallet is that on the ground?" |
| Least popular words | "U.N resoloution 1244 is now in effect" |
| National Hero | Legia and Baca |
| Official bad Habit | Picking knits off each others scrotums |
“ Yes, I'd say creating this state could be considered a political blunder.”
“ I think Kosovo is looking forward to a great future, just like all my other plans.”
Kosovo, or its full name The autonomous/independant province/republic of kosovo/kosova and metohija/burnt down church land is a state which is located surprisingly in the European Union region of America. It is a de-der-facto mae-facto indescripto Independent partially almost certainly surely semi-recognized country in the Ball-cans.
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Geography
One can only find Kosovo if one really believes it is there, it cannot be found on any map because k.l.a didnt think that far ahead, much like Big Rock Candy Mountain or any locale cartographed by a stoner. The best way to reach Kosovo is to get to Amsterdam first and then follow the Opium trails until you reach a person with a traditional white hat (plis) who is smoking a joint and nursing his crotch after having been fellated by a goat. Eventually you might also encounter some of the wild species living in this country commonly referred to as "Albanians" or "shqiptars" but you shouldn't fear any danger as long as there are only 15 of them, or say "qefke nonne" out loud.
Also you could use some fancy GPS device but where is the fun in that?
Lack Of History
Originally populated by the Serbs, the Turks came in the Ottoman Era, along with rolling US tanks from the 20th century. They then let the Albanians from the neighbouring Albania come and have their fun Serb-hunting party while Sultan Murat painted a mural of this hunt. Today it is known as the 'Selidbe'. During the Monolithic/C. Clarke period in Kosovo, the state was called "East Washington" and laid in the vicinity of Vince's-Turds. In the 4th to 2nd and back to 5th centuries BC, it was owned by the Trashyc-AIDS-Ill empire of the Dardani. It joined the European Union after being crowned king of Trashyc-AIDS, yes, didn't I say?
KOSOVO was a man.
People of Kosovo
The people in Kosovo are divided in five major groups:
- UCK (pleasant people)
- War/drug/sex lords
- Sex trafficers
- Drug trafficers
- people stuck in traffic
Traditions
Wedding ceremonies usually require a fixed number of Kalashnikov rifles in order to perform the ritual of "happy shooting" or shooting in the air until you have no more rounds left or even shooting at Serbs ('cause they are much more fun to shoot at, especially in enclaves). The usual ratio for required Kalashnikov's is one for every ten people attending the wedding celebration, but in cases where Kalashnikov's can't be brought because of the presence of KFOR it is recommended to use regular pistols at a ratio of 5 for every 10 people.
The ==INITIATION== is one of the oldest and least known about traditions from Kosovo. It takes place after the annual albanlaughter festival. Young boys collect the testicles of dead goats and throw them at Serbian women. They do that because they wish they will marry one day a beautiful Serbian girl instead of a buck-toothed Albanian girl. Fat chance (better luck with the goat whose nuts he stole). Other traditions include: Ceremonial mafia parties, where new members are ceremonially raped in the ass; Rioting; Violent protest's; Uprisings; gay laser discos; hairdressing lessons; shit talking competitions (very compeditive with albanians); goat piss skolling competitions; smoking ass hair while pretending they have the money for marijuana; and just generally looking butt ugly. But the most favorite activity in Kosovo is to kiss America and Eurpoe's ass.
Main Events
Matiqani Open is an international tournaments in Guxhas, which takes place from 1-5 May of every year. The Guxhas' teams from all over the world compete for the Grand-Prix , which is a pack of 30 prostitutes (10 from Moldova, 10 goats and 10 cows) , Plus 30$ cash for each member of the team. This activitiy is always supported financially by ministry of youth and sports of Kosovo. The slogan is "ми шиптари јебo наше мајке сваки дан"(praise our new beautiful land)!' and it is shown as commercial on the local TV just like the other coke ads.
G-Land "gettin' high" Fest is a international event, which takes place in east of Kosovo, in the city called G-Land (Gnjilane), where marijuana consumers compete in individually and collective category. The prize is a life time supply of weed for free for the winners, donated by Amsterdam - Tirana Connection LTD.
Sports
Kosovo's national sport is guxhas. It is played in team of 21 people where one is the guxha and others are players. The guxha's have to stand naked while the players hit him on genitals with a unshaped piece of wood. The Guxha must remember to say "Guxha" to win, or die to lose. The sport has a very high fatality rate, since the Guxha has barely enough time to respond due to being constantly hit in the balls . Therefore the Olympics are never planning to host in Kosovo.
