From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
One can only find Kosovo if one really believes it is there; it cannot be found on any map. People in Kosovo do not trust maps. Instead they have guides on every mountain tops yelling out the direction in the country. No fancy GPS will catch those signals, so if you are deaf, do not bother.
Due to fact that Albanians and Serbs are really bad at history, and just making up shit as they go along, Kosovo has no history that makes sense.
edit Curly History
Kosovo is a famous sniper battle ground and one of the most popular multiplayer maps for Age Of Empires.
Originally populated by the Illyrians(albanians),until the serbs came late 6th century AD and went apeshit. The Turks came in the Ottoman Era, along with rolling US tanks from the 20th century. In 1389, during the Battle of Kosovo Field, the serbs went apeshit again.Due to their huge consumption of poison mushrooms, they started hallucinating crazy stuff. This resulted to brain damage, and the genetic disorder many Serbs have today, "Serb syndrome". The brain of people with “Serb syndrome” does not function properly when it comes to reflecting and differentiating reality from fantasy. Hence many Serbs act as if it 1389.
During the Monolithic/C. Clarke period in Kosovo, the state was called "East Washington" and laid in the vicinity of Vince's-Turds. In the 4th to 2nd and back to 5th centuries BC, it was owned by the empire of the Dardani. It joined the European Union after being crowned Republic of Kosovo and The George Bush/Bill Clinton.
Wedding ceremonies usually require a fixed number of Kalashnikov rifles in order to perform the ritual of "happy shooting" or shooting in the air until you have no more rounds left. The usual ratio for required Kalashnikov's is one for every ten people attending the wedding celebration, but in cases where Kalashnikov's can't be brought because of the presence of KFOR it is recommended to use regular pistols at a ratio of 5 for every 10 people.
edit Main Events
Kosovo Open is an international tournaments in Guxhas, which takes place from 1-5 May of every year. The Guxhas' teams from all over the world compete for the Grand-Prix , which is a pack of 30 prostitutes (10 from Moldova, 10 virgin nun's and 10 cows) , Plus $0.30 cash for each member of the team. This activitiy is always supported financially by ministry of youth and sports of Kosovo. The slogan is "We Love Bill Clinton... and Monica"(praise our new beautiful land)!' and it is shown as commercial on the local TV just like the other coke ads and 1970-style crappy music.
G-Land "gettin' high" Fest is and international event, which takes place in east of Kosovo, in the city called G-Land (Gnjilane), where marijuana consumers compete in individually and collective category. The prize is a life time supply of weed for free for the winners, donated by Amsterdam - Tirana Connection LTD.
Kosovo's national sport is guxhas. It is played in team of 21 people where one is the guxha and others are pravoslavni Pavle. The guxhas have to stand naked while the players hit him on genitals with a unshaped piece of wood. The Guxha must remember to say "Guxha"(shkinat e kan leshin e bardh-wich means serbian girls have white hairy pussy) to win, or die to lose. The sport has a very high fatality rate, since the Guxha has barely enough time to respond due to being constantly hit in the balls . Therefore the Olympics are never planning to host in Kosovo.