Korean War
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| Korean War | ||
|---|---|---|
 | ||
| Conflict: North Korean invasion of South Korea | ||
| Date: 19--nobody cares | ||
| Place: Korean peninsula | ||
| Outcome: Decisive Luxembourg victory | ||
| Combatants | ||
| North Korea | South Korea United States of America Luxembourg Greenland Queen Elizabeth II | |
| Commanders | ||
| Kim Il Sung | Jim Raynor Ronald McDonald What's his Face Polar Bear Her Madge | |
| Strength | ||
| 500,000 | 10 3/4 999,999,999 emos 44 Monkey Feces Catapults (MFCs) 1 Queen | |
| Casualties | ||
| 300,000 people | 3 people, a jar of kimchi 23 eagles 9 billion black painted fingernails. | |
Contents |
[edit] How It Started
In 1793, God created the South Korean in his image. When the South Korean became lonely and longed for a companion, God took one of the South Korean's vertabra while he slept and fashioned the North Korean. Ever since that time, North and South Koreans have searched for the other half of souls - the PB to their J, the yin to their yang, the Roeper to their Siskel and Ebert. This has led to a variety of results, ranging from a two thousand year war of attrition to the exquisite and confusing poetry directly referencing the conflict, exemplified by the 1838 South Korean poem, 'Get Back In My Back, North Korean Punk,' and it's North Korean counterpart, 'Ha Ha We Took Part of your Spine.'
The conflict was brought to a head in 1950 when freelance American conquistador Gary Burghoff visited North Korea on a whim, killing every male and impregnating every female in the country. North Korea blamed South Korea. South Korea blamed Belgium, and soon people from every country in the known world were involved in the war, many of whom Burghoff also killed. Burghoff, seeing that the rest of the world was going to keep sending more men into Korea, grew bored and left them to fight it out amongst themselves.
Also the damned french couldn't keep their hands on their own french bread and made every commie hand over theres.
[edit] The War Evolves
The conflict began further escalating in 1951, when, aided by the Soviet Union, North Korea obtained a skin scraping from U.S. general Douglas MacArthur. North Korea used their pioneering efforts at cloning to create a similar, if distinctly unique, replica of the famous warrior. The MacArthur clone, or MechaArthur, as he was soon known, immediately reorganized the North Korean army and launched an all-out attack in all directions. This was partially succesful; the south and north attacks met with slight resistance and resulted in immediate land gains. However, the east and west attacks were completely unopposed, and 7 armored divisions marched directly into the ocean. Mass drownings soon followed and retreat orders were hastily given. The U.S., at the urgent request of South Korea, thawed out and reactivated the original MacArthur, who had been subdued and placed in cryogenic stasis following his successful execution of World War II. MacArthur emerged from his self-styled "fortress of doom", also known as West Point, and formed an entirely new section of the armed forces to initiate the counterassault; thefunky Monkey Army.
[edit] The funky Monkey Army
The Monkey Army was based upon a theory that an effective, expendable army could be created from groups of uncontrollable, expensive apes. While this theory was not particularly well thought out, it met the Department of Defense Requirements for Military Development as the plan was A) Cumbersome, B) Expensive, and C) Irrational/Sure to be Ineffective. but really the idea had failed because all the funky monkeys did was scratch there buts but they decided to continue it anyway.
MacArthur had toyed with the idea of the Monkey Army as early as the mid-1940s, but early tests using flying monkeys for air superiority proved disappointing - the monkeys showed more interest in masturbation and flinging feces than combating fighter planes. When World War II was ended abruptly with the drops of the Atomic Bombs of the Manhattan Project, the project was shelved. MacArthur was reportedly infuriated at the deactivation of his project and the loss of the defense contract to "that simpering idiot Enrico Fermi" and "his band of know-nothing idiots. I especially hate that kraut Oppenheimer." A favorite battle cry of the Monkey army was "EAT SHIT AND DIE" a cry that could be heard as many korean militants were fed poop and were killed.
However, all this was rendered irrelevant when MacArthur was thawed from his Cryostatic sleep in late months of 1950, and Project Monkey Butter was reactivated. Completely abandoning the idea of the use of monkeys as air assets, MacArthur feverishly worked on the "ground monkey forces" concept, and a variety of prototypes were tested in the months leading to the counter assault on the Korean Peninsula. Monkeys, outfitted with a variety of weapons, were made to charge at military targets such as machine gun nests and orphanages filled with adorable puppies.
Unfortunately, time was short. The R&D phase of the project was cut short as MacArthur grew impatient with his research team, and eventually they just ended up giving the monkeys some rifles.
Surprisingly, the tactic nearly worked; the Monkey Army managed to drive back North Korean forces well above the 40th parallel before the North Korean counter-counter assault that drove the lines back up to the present day border of the 38th parallel. MacArthur was immensely pleased with the performance of his pet project, and denied rumors that it was the simultaneous assault of 500,000 marines, not the monkey army, that resulted in the North Korean retreat.
[edit] Baby Punters
The Red army however did manage to cause severe casualties to the funky monkies by creating an elite group called the baby punters. The baby punters succeeded because of there ingenious tactics so good only George W himself could do better, They ran towards enemy lines and punted suicide bomber babies towards the funky monkey lines and detonate when they hit something. There are few baby punter veterans around because to kick the babies hard enough they had to borrow steroids from barry bonds which lead to many over doses and shrunken penises.
[edit] Repercussions
While the Monkey Army proved an effective assault force, it proved inadequate as an occupying presence on the Korean peninsula. MacArthur spent most of the reconstruction period developing ways to eliminate the now obsolete monkeys from the occupation. His solutions, such as "burning the whole place down with the monkeys in it," proved unpopular at home, where the populace had grown accustomed to the idea of the Monkey Army and as a result empathized with the plight of the average Monkey Soldier. Slogans such as "You Know Who Needs Monkeys? West Germany!" became popular at his time - an outcry to station the monkeys at other military installations around the world rather than "dousing them with gasoline and lighting them on fire, watching them as they scream and flail about, the life slowly ebbing from them like so many tides." (-MacArthur).
Eventually though, MacArthur came up with an elegant solution: breed larger, more aggressive monkeys to kill the monkeys. The plan was put into effect in 1978 with much fanfare.
Surprisingly though, the larger monkeys proved to be even more troublesome than the original Monkey Army. Monkey Related Crimes soared in Korea, and there were even reports of the mishandling/torture of prisoners of war and detainees by the Monkey Occupying Force. However, with MacArthur dead in 1987, hopes waned on finding a solution to the Monkey Problem. As a result, the Department of Defense commissioned the U.S. Dept. of Monkey Business in 1996, hoping to resolve conflicts caused by our Monkeys Abroad under a single roof. To this day, the Korea Problem is unresolved.
Fortunately, at the time of this writing, hopes ride high on the latest USDMB project, "Breeding Even Larger, Even More Aggressive Monkeys Initiative Part IV."
- Note*******
The emos were never actually used to fight, but were instead used as distractions.
