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“OOOOOOOOOHHH I'll get you a towel!!!!”
"Why can't you spell it 'Cool' like the rest of us you miserable fuck!?"
~Grammer Hitler on Kool-Aid's name
Kool Aid was a benefit concert held on July Threeve, 1987 in multiple venues, including Funkytown, Coolsville, and the East Side of London. Not to be confused with poisonous drink used by the Jonestown massacre, the concert was held in order to help cool people everywhere, who were struggling to maintain their hip status in a world filled with squares. Over 700,000 people attended live, and approximately 278 trillion people watched on television. The concert raised over $382,023,284,308 dollars for cool person relief.
Renowned cool person Elvis Costello went through cowation one day and realized that coolness is precious, and that everybody "needs to appreciate cool people and their incredibly fashionable ways." Costello noted that coolness is often taken for granted. So, to help those who are cool remain cool, Costello started "Keep the Kool Kickin'" (or KKK), which quickly became a very popular charitable organisation. Using the charity's reasonably expected popularity, Costello decided to put on a concert which would hopefully not only prevent cowation and de-coolness in the future, but also help other people become cool in the process.
The event was staged by Funtime Partye Plannerse, a group based in Mediocre Britain. Thus the entire thing was quite unorganised. Bands went on at random times, often causing confusion. Such an instance would be when Ashford and Simpson was introduced as Ashlee Simpson, causing widespread panic and a few suicides. Still, the concert was a smash success.
- Elvis Costello
- The Kool-Aid Man, or KAM
- Tony The Tiger
- Snap, Crackle, and Pop
- mr. T
- Oscar Wilde
- The Burtles
- The Fonz
- Joe Camel
- Ray Charles
- Turner Overdrive
- Ashford and Simpson
- Durban Durban
- Johnny Bravo
- Tony Toni Tone
- Arrow Smythe
- Bob Dylan
- Bobby Sherman
- Grandpa Jones
- Thierry Henry
- Lemon Aid
- La Chupacabra
Bob Dylan controversy
Bob Dylan sparked a fire storm of controversy with this comment:
- Errr whaa, uuhh daaaa uhhh waaah! Eees daaa, ooh swaaa... ooh kaaa, faar maah!
He is often misquoted as saying "Arrr whee, oooh doooo waaa waaa", which is quite silly indeed. Historian Pantifield MacKenzie was rather critical of Dylan in his biography:
- What an asshole.
Memorable moments at Funkytown
- Laughs were aplenty when former US president Gerald Ford did what appeared to be a pratfall upon his entrance. However, it was soon realized that the fall was indeed an accident, and a severe one at that. Ford was rushed to the hospital but died on arrival.
- A small nerdy child was invited to the stage. The Fonz then gave a touching speech, which included the memorable line "Ayyyy! This kid ain't cool, he needs your help! Ayyyy!"
- Satan was yet another victim of the Pants Vaporizer while in the middle of his song Hell's Smells. Satan blushed and ran off stage.
- Kool-Aid Man claimed 12,000 new victims and the fans cheered for more.
- Fonzy opened the show after being diagnosed with his 3rd case of Gonorrhea.
- As it was his birthday, Chuck Norris ended the show by selecting 1 lucky child, and hurling him into the Sun.
Tragedy at Funkytown
Shortly after the concert Someone fell into Kool-Aid Man and 2 others tried to save him and also fell in and drowned when asked about Kool-Aid man man said "Oh NOOOoooo"
Memorable moments at Coolsville
- Tony the Tiger announced that he and Farrah Fawcett were dating, and that she was "Grrrrreat!" in the bedroom.
- Ray Charles played quite a prank on the audience when he suddenly stopped in the middle of a song, took off his sunglasses and yelled, "Holy crap, I can see!!!" He then said "Just kidding" and continued the song.
- Wham! member George Michael touched his butt, and, after the show, a stranger's penis in a bathroom stall.
- Johnny Bravo did "the monkey" for a world record of 5 hours.
Memorable moments at the East Side of London
- Nothing memorable happened at the East Side of London.
AccomplishmentsKool Aid is attributed with the official death of Disco and the construction of New Bjork City.
The product mascot of Kool-Aid is a gigantic anthropomorphic pitcher filled with some kind of anonymous red liquid (Maybe it's drugs, who knows?) that seemingly at random bursts through walls with complete disregard for human life, causing countless thousands of dollars in property damage. He then chuckles and utters his thought-terminating catchphrase 'Oh Yeah!'. By the interpretation that he says 'Oh Yeah!' and hangs around kids often may reveal that the Kool-Aid mascot is none other than a pedophile. He has yet to be apprehended, so if you know anything about the wherabouts of this wanted fugitive, please call 1-800-555-KOOL or notify your local authorities, and consider him armed and very dangerous.
At First Kool Aid was viewed as an immediate success, but now in retrospective it is viewed as an absolute tragedy as it resulted in over 100,000 Kool-Aid drownings, 1,000 cases of STD's, and even a new STD that apparently came from The Fonz, Fonzerrhea.