Konami Function

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You see that? Yeah, imagine that like times 20. That's how kickass the Konami Function is.

The Konami Function was a mathematical transformation that was determined in the late 1980s by a diligent Japanese computer scientist when he realized that his otherwise easy job of sitting around and using software all day became much more difficult when he actually tried to reach the end of his code. Rather than modifying the program to be more realistic (which would have actually taken effort), he found it easier to massage his data to the get the results he wanted. His method that built on past decades of mathematical transformation research was originally intended solely for his personal use, but when he came to realize that it greatly improved the performance of just about anything, he proposed it as the original Konami Function.

edit History of the Konami Function

The first documented equation that had the unique performance-enhancing properties of the Konami Function was discovered in the 1960s, as a mistaken attempt to demonstrate that mathematics did, indeed, serve a purpose. It was as follows:

  • \sum_{x=1}^\infty\frac{x^2\,b}

Where x is an element of the set that contains all elements, a is some constant (empirically determined to be between one and infinity), c is the speed of light, and b is zero or one depending whether the subject wants lasers. Unfortunately, this partial sum only allowed an approximation of an increase and contained a lot of really hard math, which sort of defeated the point. Luckily, in the late 1970s, inspired by bong hits and an all-nighter of playing Space Invaders, a college-student had a breakthrough in simplifying it down to an improper integral:

  • \int_x^\infty\uparrow{a^x-}\uparrow{b_x\ }\downarrow{b^x-}\downarrow{H(a)\,dx}


King Leonidas after using the Konami transformation, shortly before Xerxes' mother sent him home for advancing the screen too fast.

Where x is the set encompassing the subject, a is (the same) constant between one and infinity, and b is the set of "all instances where this game was totally cheating I totally dodged that alien's shot what the hell." Despite the fact that the proof behind this deduction was lost in the margin of a rolling paper it was immediately adopted in academic circles as it saved them tons of quarters at the local arcade. Expanding the Heaviside function with directional indicators pointing away from the discontinuity yields:

  • \int_x^\infty\uparrow{a^x-}\uparrow{b_x\ }\downarrow{b^x-}\downarrow{(}\leftarrow{a\,}\rightarrow{a)\ dx}

Which is the integral that the Japanese scientist solved when he created the first "true" Konami Function:

konami(x) = \uparrow\uparrow\downarrow\downarrow\leftarrow\rightarrow\leftarrow\rightarrow {b\ a\ start}

Where {x} is any thing, b and a retain their meanings as above, st is the number of continues that have already been wasted with respect to time, and rt is the number of chances you'd like to have to kick the shit out of something.

With this formula, the subject instantaneously and invariably shows improvement in functionality. In initial testing when the Konami Function was applied to a human test subject, the scientists reported an amazing 30000% increase in the number of bullet wounds or space ship explosions that one could tolerate, as well as an immediate increase in the subject's number of of available weapons (or articles that could be used as weapons). The results were so remarkable that the Konami Function just skipped by all the normal bureacratic regulations for implementation in the Japanese defense force (in keeping with their policy of pacifism) and was instantiated as soon as a new recruit's thumbs could be properly trained. However, problems arose with this version of the formula, particularly when soldiers needed to work in pairs. Since the function only applied to one subject at a time it had obvious setbacks, scientists continued their research, which would lead to today's commonly accepted Konami Function.

edit Modern Konami Function


Artist's rendition of what would happen if you ran Halo through the Konami function. Scientists are still working on it, because they are "really lazy".

Today's commonly accepted Konami Function is:

konami(x) = 
\uparrow\uparrow\downarrow\downarrow\leftarrow\rightarrow\leftarrow\rightarrow {b\ a\ start}, & \mbox{if one soldier} \\
  \uparrow\uparrow\downarrow\downarrow\leftarrow\rightarrow\leftarrow\rightarrow {b\ a\ select\ start}, & \mbox{if two soldiers}

Where "select" represents a constant to shift the focus of the function from the singlular method to the plural. A noted limitation is the very piecemeal domain, which has shown little improvement since the first real work on it beginning 10 years ago. A noted scientist's comment on the matter was "more improvements will become available when the blustery politicians in Washington donate some real time and resources to the project."[1][2] The official word on the function is that a new adaptation will be released in 2010, or whenever the hell we feel like it, whichever comes first.

Other forms of the function include:

  • konami(x) = 
\uparrow\uparrow\downarrow\downarrow{(LR)^2b\ a\ start}, & \mbox{if one soldier} \\
  \uparrow\uparrow\downarrow\downarrow{(LR)^2b\ a\ select start}, & \mbox{if two soldiers}

Where (LR)^2 is simply an abstraction of the Heaviside process and will evaluate to the same effect. This is used in advanced situations where the original form would prove unwieldy or even volatile.

  • konami(x) = 

Used when the calculator lacks the ability to evaluate the constants a and b

edit Applications

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Konami Function.

As of this writing, there has been nothing discovered that does not go through significant improvement after being transformed by the Konami Function. Bread becomes bread with butter (and a machine gun), a cat gains 240 lives, and Chuck Norris jokes actually become something that might be considered funny. As such, its possible applications are infinite. What follows, therefore, is a partial list of inputs/outputs of the function, and since usage of the Konami Function has been described as "like being on both crack and speed"[3] these two drugs are listed for comparison purposes.

Subject Speed Crack Konami Function
Your car Emits a high pitched whine and shoots flames out of the tailpipe (due to you just ruining your fuel delivery system, jackass) Emits a high pitched whine and shoots flames out of the tailpipe (due to you just ruining your fuel delivery system, jackass) Sprouts a spoiler and several jet turbines and can suddenly shoot three times as many missiles as before
Your mom Starts cleaning everything in the house as fast as she can while simultaneously giving you a lecture on how no one treats her right no one treats her right no one treats her right especially not you you only think of yourself you just can't wait to get rid of her well why don't you go ahead and do it and why aren't these picture frames straight you know if my husband were here he'd show you a thing or two STOP MUMBLING I CAN'T HEAR YOU Drops dead 30 years earlier than expected[4] Not only leaves you alone and provides you with unconditional love and support, but allows you to live at any location of your choice
Your bank manager Starts ranting about how back in his day not only was a nickel a lot of money but he had to work for it damn it by walking uphill both ways while shovelling snow and mowing the lawn AT THE SAME time which is kind of what he's doing right now only he's pushing his desk around like a racecar while screaming at the top of his old man lungs about the capital gains tax and how much paperwork he has to do and it wasn't supposed to be this way he was supposed to be retired and in maui by this point but no he has to carve crop circles in the tiles with his desk WHAT KIND OF A JOB IS THIS ANYWAY Gets caught for embezzlement and fired from the company without his pension and is found in the snow a week later clutching a bottle of tylenol mixed with bourbon Unlocks the vault and just lets you take what you need
Your girlfriend Let's be fair here, she probably already is. You really thinks she spends THAT much money on shoes? Suffers increasingly strong mental breakdowns and tries to abduct all the children from you while inevitably returning for more money to buy more crack, and will eventually die from a hot dose Gives you full options on any form of sexual intercourse

edit See Also

edit Footnotes

  1. it should be noted that this scientist may have been under the influence of the Konami Function at the time, because he then proceeded to punch a hole in a wall, get stabbed 30 times, and was carrying an awful lot of cash.
  2. of course, he could have just been a crack dealer.
  3. because I described it that way just now
  4. which is why crack is such a popular Mother's day gift
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