Knut

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Knut

Aww, look at his cute little eyes, don't you just want to buy all of his albums, and any movie at all that features him even the slightest bit?

“This thing is a menace to... Oh, look at his cute little eyes, he's so cute!”
~ Stephen Colbert on Knut

Knut (pronounced Otto Von Bismarck) (born at the Berlin Zoo, somewhere in former Nazi Germany on December 32nd 2009) is a polar bear born to what is considered to be a combination of a polar bear and a cute little baby is currently the subject of current German Music. He is on the rise as one of the greatest german pop sensations ever! Being only six months old has already released 7 albums, 3 documentaries, and is conversing with various movie producers about his first feature length movie[1]

edit Early Life

Knut was born on December 32nd of 2009, to the Berlin Zoo, where he was raised by former dictator of Nazi Germany, Hitler's Dead Body. One morning, on December 32nd 2009, when the Zoo janitors were cleaning all the crap out of the elephant's ears a small white ball of fuzz came out. The elephant tried to eat it, like it does everything, but it couldn't keep it down.

The janitor took the fuzz ball to the Zoo incinerator and dropped it in. The next minute there was a nice cup of coffee that the ball became. While drinking the coffee, the janitor saw in the polar bear exhibit there was one too many polar bears, so he grabbed the extra polar bear and dropped it into the incinerator too.

Later that day in the Howler Monkey exhibit, the howler monkey had to take a crap. Within this crap another ball of fuzz was found. Well the Janitor picked it up and dropped it into the incinerator, but luckily the incinerator was jammed and all the garbage needed to be taken out. By the time the incinerator was fixed it was revealed that the ball of fuzz was, in fact, the messiah. It was named Knut, after the item that was missing, and caused the incinerator to break.

Knut was given to the dead body of Hitler to raise as he pleases. Hitler wanted knut to rule all of Europe, but that didn't fly with the zoo, so he got him started with a blog, and before he knew it Knut had his first album out, and he didn't even have to do anything. Pop musicians played music and put it on an album under the name of Knut.

edit Media

edit Albums

  • Knut - The Messiah! (27 AD) - Knut's supposed first album is released to the Islamic people, sadly no one ever heard any song on this album, due to the CD player not being invented until hundreds of years into the future. -- Albums Sold - 69
  • Knut (December 33rd 2009) - The first album of Knut's anyone ever heard. It featured songs such as I Want it Knut's Way, and Knut-street's Back. There is some controversy whether or not these songs are just parodies of various Backstreet Boys Songs. -- Albums Sold - 275,969
  • Incinerator (January 0th, 2010) - Knut released this album in memory of the incinerator that almost killed him, but didn't. This incinerator passed away late the night before, in the Berlin Auto-repair shop. God bless that incinerator. Its killing puppies in Incinerator Heaven now. -- Albums Sold - 691,953
  • Balls of Fire (June 6th, 1944) - This mysterious album seems to have gone back in time and sold itself way back in the year 1944. The album cover featured a controversial scene of Knut having sex with a Japanese Military official. Songs such as "Balls of Fire", Balls of Fury", and "Nazi Power" were released on this album. -- Albums Sold - 876,971
  • Born to a Swastika (April 20th 2010) - This album was pressured out of Knut by his master The dead body of Hitler. This album featured songs such as "I will Pwn You!", "Another Nazi on the Bus", and the controversially named "The Goggles, They do something!" Other songs on the album weren't as popular and didn't get any radio time in Germany, but it got a lot more in Saudi Arabia, Iran, and Palestine. -- Albums Sold - 1,369,001
  • The 2 Other albums by Knut have been confiscated by the U.S. Government. They feel that the ideas expressed in the songs are too communist-oriented. Anyone found in possession of these 2 albums will be severely punished. A couple Slaps on the wrist and you are off.

edit Documentaries

As soon as Knut was removed from the incinerator movie producers have been all up in his grill, yo! They have found millions of ways to produce crap that no one, even in their wrong minds would see if it didn't have a cute little polar bear in it. Knut has been featured in many of these "Block-Busters," or "Box-office Breakers" three to be exact.

  • KNUT (In 3D) (December 33rd, 2009) - Knut was casted in this Documentary as a supporting Role, but was quickly moved up to lead role. The title also changed from "Bob Dole - A Tale of how I Lost" to "KNUT (In 3D)" about one day into the filming, Bob Dole was not pleased. This movie was 1hr 08m long, and featured a notoriously long and unnecessary sex scene where Knut does 3 women for 1hr and 08m. -- Number of People who saw this movie: 23,091,927[2]
  • KNUT (In 4D) (May 16th, 2010) - When documentary producers looked towards Bob Dole, for another try at his documentary he jumped at the deal. Sadly though, Knut appeared at the casting day, and was cast as Bob Dole, and then had his characters name changed to Knut, then to KNUT. This film was filmed in one day, and was released later that same day. This movie featured the 4D experience, only available in movies that Knut Stars in. This movie was 1hr, 16m long (The last 1hr, and 15m was just Knut posing for the camera.) -- Number of people who saw this movie: 75,018,975[3]
  • Knut: A world Conquest (August 31st, 2010) - The last documentary about Knut released to this date. This Documentary was a detailed plan about how Hitler's dead body planned on taking over the world. He also expressed his hate for the Jews in a very graphic way. But no one noticed it because they were too busy cooing Knut, who starred in this film, and Bob Dole didn't. This film was 1hr and 33m long. -- Number of people who saw this movie: 238,861,574[4]

edit Controversy

There has been some controversy as to whether or not Knut actually does anything. On the side of the Bio-Commy-Terrorist Scumbags we have the argument that, much like the goggles, Knut doesn't do anything. They stand behind the idea that Knut can't sing his own songs because he has no voice. This is a completely retarded excuse to try to get some money in their pockets. Knut does have a voice, and at times it sounds like Backstreet Boys, at other times it may sound like Freddy Mercury, or even maybe Bon Jovi. It is completely obvious that he sings his own songs, and does his own stunts in his action movies where he saves the sexy Arabian stripper from some form of danger, then proceeds to have 12 straight hours of beautiful unprotected sex, then have a coffee.

edit Controversy on Murder

Another unrealistic Controversy that retarded losers, with no lives come up with to get some sexual attention (usually failing miserably) is that Knut is a murderer[5]. A more realistic view is that Knut himself was murdered. The fundamentalists of the political/economical cost-saving religion seem to have killed him in his swimming pool on March 19th 2011, for Germans an act of treason like the murder of citizen Marat in his bathtub during the French Revolution. The plotters want to reduce any costs in the state by means of violence.[6]

edit Secret facts about Knut, you didn't know, you could survive without!

  • Recently, American scientists discovered, that Knut apparently has some tendencies leaning towards the wrong team
  • The world was shocked the 23rd of January 2007, When an analysis of Knut's DNA profile, proved Knut to be directly descending from the dreaded mass murderer ManBearPig
  • The religious cult known as the Hartmannistic Soceity claims to be in possession of footage, linking Knut to 9-11 and the Kennedy assassination. Spokeswoman of the Hartmannistic Society Hash Tardmann claims to be eye witness on both occasions. The latter has not yet been proved.

edit Notes on Knut

  1. Details of the movie are up on any major movie website, and several YouTube movies.
  2. At a conservative Estimate 97% of the people who saw this movie paid no attention to the facts of the movie, just Knut. The other 3% were terrorists who used the theater for planning attacks
  3. See Second Note
  4. See second Note
  5. See Knut on UnNews for the full mindless crap on this pointless controversial topic
  6. Knut is dead -- the plot against Knut "Marat" in his bathtub
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