Knife

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“I wish I could get rid of the knife so the emo kids would just fucking STOP!”
~ Oscar Wilde on knife
Zed

Subject Q. showing how even after sticking a non-stick knife up his backside, no excrement will stick on the blade. It feels good, Q. adds.

Knife is a five letter word, which consists of the capitalised letters: K, N, I, F and E. It is pronounced without the letters k and e, as they are both silent letters, which means that the word ‘knife’ sounds like neyeghph, Egyptian for pointy thing. In the English language, many adjectives can precede it, such as shiny, pointy, sharp, cool, long and jagged. It is regarded by apes as a tool of torture and a weapon of mass destruction. This means that a terrorist, previously known as George W. Bush, can use this implement to wreak havoc on the face of the Earth and transform Tom Cruise into an evil alien preaching Scientology. Among other uses, it can:

  • To our delight, cut, slice, chop and dice things into minuscule pieces when they get too big, long or wide.
  • Kill people when they are in our way or look like terrorists or the bogeyman (spare me if I am repeating words).
  • Torment people.
  • Team up closely with another knife, to make a pair of scissors.
  • Gets rid of those stupid emo kids
  • A useful alternative to skin cream
  • Be used as a weapon for hacking at women's bellies (also known as jelly tank) to steal their belly button, or perform abortions.
  • Be eaten as a means to entertain up to six-hundred people at one time
Lobster fight

Knives can be good in fights sometimes, but never EVER bring a knife to a gunfight.

It has been used by psychopaths, murderers, Noddy, Michael Jackson, Jim, Poofmaster, Oscar Wilde, Darth Vader, The Ides of March and countless other famous or infamous (You pick) people.

The most famous knife is the Bowie knife, named after Andrew-Albert Bowie who used it to liberate Mexico, previously under the yoke of Texas, in year 40 B.C. It has no relation whatsoever with David Bowie who fought alongside the Texans against Mexico in the 19th century ; how a knife could have become famous in the gunpowder era ? No, seriously.

Using a knife can be dangerous and can lead to serious injuries so hereby we provide a manual of safety:

  1. Instructions for people below 18: Insert between the eyes and twist, twist, twist, 'til you start feeling' dizzy, yo!
  2. Instructions for people who are 18 or over: Execute instruction 1 (duh!).
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Knife.

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