From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Sir Swagsalot, born in 1582, died in 1622, was a Templar Knight serving in the land of Bawlz in the period of 1602 to 1622. He was the son of Yolo and Swag, becoming the first knight in history to be born to people without surnames. His parents were avid LGBT linguists as evidenced by the blood splatter in the basement of his parents home, as well as the various sex toys and mechanisms in which one may suffer pain or become trapped in. These objects are currently being housed in an undisclosed location as to preserve these artifacts for a future generation.
edit Early life
Sir Swagsalot was born on an unknown day, as his parents chose to ignore that portion of the birthing sheet, more than likely due to incompetence and/or the desire to go to their basement. As a child, Sir Swagsalot always attended the local baseball games and had hoped to one day become a professional MLB player. That dream quickly faded as he was kicked off of the local travel team due to his excessive wearing of OBEY clothing. As a result he took up a different pastime, which just so happened to be collecting hats, day in and day out. Sir Swagsalot would scour EBay, Amazon.com, Craigslist and the town markets, searching for another elusive OBEY hat. His mother, Swag was the one who brought up this hobby to him. She always wore the same clothing that Sir Swagsalot did, just to stay "cool" with the crowd. But all of this ended when his mother, Swag was murdered by the hands of King Crotchenheiser, the ruler of the land of Cawk. This caused Sir Swagsalot to undergo a whole new personality change, abandoning his swaggy ways, but retaining his name. This is the point when Sir Swagsalot became a Templar Knight.
edit The travel to Bawlz
As the original Templar Knights had all been killed a long time ago, Sir Swagsalot had to name his Templar Knights, the Temp1ar Knights, as the "Templar Knights" was already taken as a group name. In 1601, Sir Swagsalot began his trip to the land of Bawlz, a kingdom just beside Cawk. His voyage did not come easily, he had become quite known to the Kingdom of Cawk, as he idiotically enough tweeted a post with numerous hashtags that King Crotchenheiser would surely, and he did recognize. "going to bawlz guise, #crotch #mom #yolo #swag #templar #knights"
His first challenge came while he was hiking through the Mountains of Mike Hawk. Named after the famous mountain biker whom had died after he took a tumble while on the mountain. In his way was a cavern, "no big deal right?" there were numerous hipsters that opposed Sir Swagsalot's motto "yolo and swag it up.". After a tough battle, in which Sir Swagsalots nearly lost his own horse, Yolo Swaggins, he eventually emerged out of the cavern. Gravely harmed, he had to take a two month break as he suffered numerous fractures in the lower half of his body after one of the hipsters tossed an 80s stereo at his legs. After his rehabilitation he continued his journey, nearly making it to Bawlz without any trouble. Yet he encountered some bad luck as he ran into King Crotchenheiser's men themselves, he was outnumbered 5-1, but somehow knew he would come away victorious. After a short prayer to the Gods above, and to his mother down low. He fought off three of them, then scaring the other two off as he threatened to throw a bag of swag at them. After this battle, he emerged into the Kingdom of Bawlz, with opens arms in front of him. Afterwards, he immediately went to the nearest pub, ordering his favourite drink, Yolosholo, with a little hint of Swag right from the pouch of his coat.
edit Patrolling the borders
After arriving in Bawlz, and his short stint at the pub, Sir Swagsalot knew that he had something to do. He arrived at the border of Cawk with his trusty steed Yolo Swaggins, and his blade "Cause-Yolo!" in hand. At first he saw no one, but later on during his first day, he saw his first wave of the Kingdom of Cawk's soldiers, naturally he defeated them, as he picked up many skills during his one year journey to Bawlz. This continued for ten years, in 1612 he laid his eyes on King Crotchenheiser for the first time.
edit The attack on King Crotchenheiser
The only reason Sir Swagsalot even did this was to avenge his mother, he finally had the chance when he saw King Crotchenheiser, he reached for his sword. Sir Swagsalot was immensely out numbered, but was motivated to defeat King Crotchenheiser to complete his so far decade long mission, he was foolish as he just ran into battle with no strategy, he was immediately gunned down by an archer after taking out just one lowly footman. He was tooken to the Kingdom of Cawk, and thrown into prison. After a few hours, King Crotchenheiser himself came down to interrogate him, and to kill him. However Sir Swagsalot was able to persuade him into letting him live in the prison until his certain death in the coming months to years, as he offered his prized bag of swag to the King.
edit Life in prison
Life in prison was tough for Sir Swagsalot, having come from a rather rich family it was very difficult to even survive, as he shared a cell with three other inmates, every night he was tormented by the other prisoners, even getting some "funk" in his "junk" at one point, while also losing his armour, clothing, and even his cape during his ten year imprisonment, he picked up some skills, however, while he was in prison, and one day was determined to escape prison, and kill King Crotchenheiser. He learned to fashion a shiv by listening through the walls, and picked up numerous materials in which he combined to make a rather pointy edge. During the night, when he wasn't being raped, he stabbed all three of his fellow inmates in the neck to kill them. Afterwards, Sir Swagsalot made a huge ruckus in an effort to get to the king. His idea worked as he was taken straight to the interrogation room, in which he was to be killed by King Crotchenheiser.
edit The death of Sir Swagsalot
While in the interrogation room, Sir Swagsalot waited patiently. He still had the shiv he fashioned while in his cell, and wasn't put under a pat check, or any check to determine if he had any foreign objects at all, this proved to be a rather fatal mistake. King Crotchenheiser entered the room, axe in hand. "Are you ready to die, Sir Fagsalot?" That made Sir Swagsalot explode, that was the name that the bullies during school, and the ones on the internet called him. He kept it cool until King Crotchenheiser was ready to execute him, he made a quick move to dodge the axe as he wasn't being held by anything, quite the prisoner-friendly prison, and went through the King's legs, and stabbed him in the neck. He immediately stated, "My life is complete." and was then stabbed, and killed by guards.