|Level / Class:||1st Level Fighter|
|HP / AC:||4 hit points / Armour Class 5 (or 7 from the rear during retreat)|
|Special Defenses:||Self-Defecation / Urination. Witnesses must save vs. amusement (use vs. Poison on chart) or fall down laughing for 1d4 melee rounds.|
|Distinction:||The Noob of the Month for February 2005, Sir Robin is the only knight ever to be stripped of his title, for fleeing in terror from the Romanian Invasion.|
Knight is the English term for an Uncyclopedian social position. In the High and Late Middle Ages, the first duty of a knight was to lead a heavy cavalry of n00blets against the ever-present onslaught of crud.
More recently, knighthood has been a title of honour, given to a more diverse class of users, from those who'd never stoop to soil their fingernails by even touching something that another person wrote, to those whose ability to write is the subject of much debate, but who really enjoy deleting everything they see (though their ability to read is the subject of much debate).
The word knight derives from the Old English word kiniggitt, meaning "lackey", "personal bitch" (as is still the case in the cognate Dutch and German "beeyotch"), or, more simply, "boy". Alternative words for knights include "Frenchie", "that guy over there giving us the dirty look", and "Jeff".
Becoming a Knight
During the High Middle Ages, it was technically possible for any man free of social, romantic, or employment entanglements to become a knight, but the process of becoming (and the equipping of) a knight was very expensive. Thus, it was more likely that a knight would come from a noble (or wealthy) family with a cable modem, though a great many lower-middle-class dial-up users (and even a few library vultures and trailer dwellers) have achieved notoriety.
Because these idiots were so dumb they often died at the hands of the badass dragon that slayed all living things throughout the land. This dragon's name was DRAGONSLAYER!!11; a dumb name but yes, DRAGONSLAYER!!11 was the best ever, so the knights had to deal with it, bitch. Finally, a brave warrior named The Dark Knight managed to defeat the mighty DRAGONSLAYER!!11 during a mighty battle that lasted forty days and forty-one knights (DRAGONSLAYER!!11 had to take a knight off after eating a bad curry), and founded the very first knight training school, to whip these morons into shape. Literally.
The process of being knighted begins with the teaching of courtesy and appropriate manners. Early in a nooblet's life, they are sent to the IRC channel to train and serve as a kind of waiter and personal servant, entertaining and serving the elders. They also learn basic article hunting and various battle skills such as taking cover from well-intentioned hazing, and basic first aid—mostly picking the bits of barb and shrapnel out of their own derrière, the result of razor sharp witticisms from the disciples of Oscar Wilde. They are also taught the basic rules of The Order of Troll-Slaying (don't feed the trolls), and Fight Club (we can't mention this rule).
When a nooblet becomes a squire, they are assigned to (or chosen by) a Knight or Dame Grand Cross, a Knight or Dame Commander, or a Commander (Knight Bachelor) to become his/her personal aide. This allows the squire to observe a master while in battle, in order to learn essential techniques. Squires also act as a servant to the knight, taking care of their master’s user page and articles, dutifully voting for their master's VFH and VFP submissions (no matter how hard they suck), and providing other miscellaneous services deliberately left vague (or completely unspecified) so as to allow the knight maximum opportunity for exploitation, and thereby reap some sort of tangible reward from an otherwise uncompensated job.
On the eve before the knighting ceremony, the squire takes a cleansing bath, is deloused, dewormed, and forced to cameo in a low budget midget porn flick before being poked with pointed sticks and snickered at by an audience of peers. Or, sometimes total strangers who responded to the half price ticket offer. Later, the squire is directed to fast, make confession for their noobish transgressions, and pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster all night in the chapel, readying themselves for life as a knight.
The actual knighting ceremony occurs the following day. Dressed in the traditional Uncylopedia cub scout uniform, the squire is given a ceremonial boot to the head (as a sign of things to come), followed by a ritual asskicking (...), before finally getting their fucking page blanked (or optionally, plastered with gay porn). A complimentary ban is usually included as well.
Pardon. That's the ritual for becoming an admin.
The Traditional Ceremony
In the early period of Uncyclopedia, knighting began with ritual cleansing and prayer, followed by a scared vow wherein the squire pledged to obey the regulations of chivalry, uphold the honour of Sophia, and promise never to flee from crud. Then, Lord High Chronarion would strike the squire on the buttocks (for men), or, on the boobs (for women) and say, “Be thou a Knight” (or a Dame).
The Modern Ceremony
Today, due to cutbacks and diminishing interest in the Order, squires generally receive little or no notice of their promotion, other than a banner placed on the top of their user page along with an edit summary like “I don't know where to put this, so shove it wherever you want.”
Knights of Renown
- Sir Alfred Metcard
- Sir Blime
- Sir Crap Alot
- Sir Cular-Sore
- Sir Ferdinand Theodore Hamsterlot
- Sir Jim'll of Savile
- Sir Laughalot
- Sir Loin of Beef
- Sir Robert of Rotherham
- Duke Umeer-Offen
- Sir Spamalot
- Sir Teignly-Knott
- Order of Uncyclopedia
- Church of Uncyclopedia
- Awards, Decorations and Honours
- Complete List of Admins
- The Lulu Shriners
- Knights of Saint Columbanus
| Article written in the style of its subject|
This article is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are the type who needed this explained to you. If you still do not find the article funny, that is surely because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. The authors sincerely hope that you will pick up your game and laugh without prompting in the future.