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“It's odd really how in Klingonese, the same word that is used for "weakness" is also used for "ethics"”
“Oh the Klingonity”
“Today is NOT a good day to die. My appointment list is full for the next week. Maybe I could meet you, say, next Tuesday and you can die there? Mmmmkay then. See ya on Tuesday, buddy.”
“Today is a good day to die... but tomorrow is even better.”
Klingons, more commonly known as "map-heads," are super-intelligent beings from the planet Qo'Nos. They are known for their exceptional greyhound breeding program and for their underdeveloped sense of humor, as well as their distinctive forehead ridges. Except in the original series when they didn't have any. Did you get that? Neither do we. Moving on... It has become tradition for all communications with Klingons to start with "Fuck yo couch, Klingga!" before any business can be dealt with. Klingons come in two forms: White and Black. Claims of the existence of elusive Asian-Klingons living in the highlands of Scotland have never been substantiated.
Klingons were once a race of peaceful explorers. Klingons only became a crazed warrior race bent on destroying humanity after what Captain Picard called a "disastrous first contact", this disaster being when a Twilight mom showed Klingons the Earth film "The Twilight Saga: New Moon". Klingons didn't get the ridges in their foreheads until the 24th century when someone else showed them "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse". Nobody knows what will happen once someone shows them "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn"; all that is known is that it probably won't be good.
History of the name 'Klingon'
Klingons are so called because of the unique electrical properties of their spaceship which cause severe static cling. The only way to prevent this static is by inverting the particle dish and rubbing your feet against the carpet and slowly approaching the vessel, and then place your hand upon the Klingon's shoulder, shocking him and causing a good laugh all around. Klingons, despite their rough appearance, have a fine appreciation of practical jokes, as long as they don't mention forehead ridges or mention their strange skin patterns.
Estimates state that 4 to 5 percent of the Klingon economy is based on selling dictionaries to male earthlings who wish to atone for their many sexual sins by learning a new language besides the language of love. However, women are generally turned on by the flowing sounds of well spoken Klingon and men who try to reduce their sexual contact through use of Klingon are generally unsuccessful. Not only that but they also learn words like shag and funk in Klingon. The dictionaries currently sell at an average price of 87 plasma warp foilers or 1 bar of gold-pressed platinum; the best sell for 3 fuzzin reators and 3 diputs of Klingon louv jelly (also known as dry targ meat).
The Entire History of the Human Race (With Klingons)
An excerpt from the Klingon-written History Book for Humans-
“The power to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of Klingon Humor”
It is critical to remember that humor is culturally biased and shouldn't be used to judge another's worth to society. Simply because Anal Electrocution is a source of humor to Klingon culture doesn't mean those who actively practice such stimulation are also humorous. Klingons also actively participate in the Uncyclopedia project, though most edits are quickly reverted back to Earth humor. The Klingon Language is very simple, consisting mostly of the sound q, a aerophobic k, and Q, the bastard child of laryngitis and the whooping cough. A simple sentence in Klingon is: "Qaqapa'aqaQaDaQ" or "Your breath smells like rotten targ meat."
- Gay Klingons brush never their teeth, straight Klingons brush their teeth with steel wool and gargle with man-semen.
- Gay Klingons can't spell honor, straight Klingons can.
- Maxwell Klinger is not a Klingon but he is sexually attractive.
- Klingons find chimpanzees, zebras and several smaller types of lizards sexually attractive.
- Klingons were featured in a rare episode of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" where Carlton accidentally creates a warp drive. A fierce battle ensues between the Klingons of Varg'thruk and Jeffery over proper hip hop slang. Jeffrey wins; Carlton confesses his love for bacon.
- according to General Chang The klingonese translation of "are you sure" is "Da chav bitch".
- Klingons find reciting William Shakespeareduring as "sexually vulgar!"