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Located in the drolleries of Southern Oregon, the small cowpoke town of Klamath Falls not only boasts a vivid and exciting history, but also an interesting life now.
Klamath Falls, originally called by the Native Americans 'Peeceokrapp' (meaning "One who's born here, dies here"), was settled sometime in the past. Does it really matter when? Really, could you ever disprove these statements? No. So just continue to sit in your relative anonymity while we continue our quest to provide answers and love to the whole world. Moving on.
The town was settled by a group of so-called, self-proclaimed, and over-hyphenated individuals. They included:
- All the Jesii
- Some other religious fanatics, like Joseph Smith
- Napoleon Dynamite
- Gary Coleman (he's everywhere these days)
- Oscar Wilde was probably there too
- Dan O'Brien - but he used his talents to sprint away from the town as quickly as possible
Unfortunately for the town's sake, and most likely your well-being, all famous people of the small city moved on, because as one of the Jesii said, "Ain't nothin' happenin' here. Let's roll."
The town eventually slumped into a suspended state of being, where it seemed as if nothing existed, or ever would and has continued to stagnate, sputter and stupefy any sense of an established existence ever since.
In the late 21st century, Klamath Falls survived the worldwide nuclear holocaust via the exception of being too worthless to be worth blowing up. They then reinstituted slavery.
Please note: residents of the area have experienced an unusually high occurrence of male pattern baldness. It is particularly prevalent in the computer support industry. There is currently no explanation for this phenomenon.
The city of Klamath Falls is located in the drab, tan and flat area of Klamath Basin. Surrounded by hills, sagebrush, juniper and dirt, the Basin includes many wonders of natural life including:
- Sucker fish
- Jerusalem crickets (seriosuly, WTF are these things???)
Perhaps the most striking natural feature in the Basin is Klamath Lake, a huge expanse of dark-green, putrid-smelling liquid. At the north end of the lake lies Klamath Marsh, an equally vast expanse of mud, reeds, ponds, and goose poop. And from the south end of the lake flows the Klamath River, which winds its fetid way south through a howling wilderness to the sea.
A Note on Placenames
The reluctant reader will have noticed that all major landforms in the vicinity of Klamath Falls are named "Klamath". The reason is simple: the first white boy to explore the area was John "Fremont" Pickbottom, and by the time he reached the area he had pretty much run out of food, shoes, toilet tissue, cigarettes, horses, clean petticoats, and cocaine. He was in no mood to think up new names. One of his henchwomen would come up to him --
"Say thar Cap'n Pickbottom, we just found some hills down below the lake. Whatcha wanna call 'em?"
"HELL! I'm eating boiled saddle-sores and trying to figger how to get the hell out of this hole and you want me to think up nice names? Just call the bastards the Klamath Hills. Jesus!"
Of course the native folk, a fat and happy tribe called the Klamath people, were camped a few miles away laughing their brown hinies off as they dined on roast snow goose stuffed with savory wild onions and wocus bulbs, seasoned with sage and smothered in elderberry glacé.
The Basin is also famous for its many farms and ranches that surround it. A wide variety of crops and animals are grown and harvested, including potato, cow, and onion. Unfortunately for us, none of them could be reached for comment.
The top five employers in Klamath are the City and County School System, Jeld-Wen, Sky Lakes Medical Center, Kingsley Field Air Base and local government agencies. 90% of the employees of these top five institutions are not from Klamath (really, should you even be surprised here?) and have taken all the good jobs, leaving places like WalMart, McDonald's, Burger King and K-Mart for the rest of Klamath's large pool of GED graduates to compete for the remaining minimum wage jobs.
During the nineties, many crazy liberal hippies moved to Klamath Falls because of the pond scum that grows in the Upper Klamath Lake. These people believed that the slimy algae was the Fountain of Youth, and if they bathed in it they'd become invincible to the sands of time. They even began to feed it to their babies in order to help them live long and prosper. But the most amazing thing about this story is that it is true. Dead serious. Look it up if you don't believe us. "The Green Superfood!" They're nuts!
The town does not completely rely upon the farming workforce. Other careers of choice include:
- Rusted automobiles-on-your-front-lawn-I'll-get-to-them-later guy
- Confederate flag maintenance and repair
- Gas station attendant
- Tobacco shop owner
- Gun shop owner
- Liquor shop owner
- Used car salesman
- Welfare / Oregon Trail Card enthusiast
- OIT Alumni that never left
- Meth dealer
Though those few residents of the Klamath Basin who aren't hicks, rednecks or drug users will complain, saying "There's nuthin' t'do besides shoot stuff," a true tourist/fun seeker will notice many attractions.
edit The Malls
Yes, Klamath Falls has two malls, actually. And each mall has at least one store! (update, they tore those down, no this isn't a joke)
edit Sherm's Thunderbird
Maybe one of the most recognized landmarks in the county, besides that of Lone Pine (but now gone after falling over dead after having its trunk sawed into by some local rednecks) and the permanent graffiti in the form of letters on the hillsides, Sherm's Thunderbird provides residents of Klamath Falls with hours of entertainment. You can come and enjoy Old People Day every day of the week. On Old People Day, you can follow them around and stand behind them in line while they have every single item they are buying price checked.
Though originally the settlers thought that "the sagebrush lands though which [they] passed in 1843 appeared to be worthless, not only because of the apparent sterility of the soil, but for the want of water," the sagebrush that grows in this "worthless" soil can be the life of the party. You can hide in it. You can look at it. You can even talk to it. Whatever idiot said that was sure wrong.
edit Klamath Community College
Home to the dregs of the Klamath Basin, Klamath Community College is notable for it's reasonably good chili dogs, and terrible, soul destroying coffee. The student body consists of veterans, goths/emo's, farm kids, and assorted ex-convicts, legal and illegal immigrants, and Mormons. The majority of the faculty are thinly disguised raging conservatives, and when not bitter and cynical, are surprisingly entertaining. Interestingly, the large hay field next to the campus is actually the intended site of the actual "campus". In 2006, the Badger prevailed as the mascot of the non-existant athletic team. Additionally, at the turn of 2007, wikipedia stopped being widely accepted as a source for papers, much to the dismay of the student body.
edit Famous People from Klamath Falls
Wolverine once came to Klamath Falls to buy some guns and beat the living shit out of people at a hotel, but that's pretty much it.
There's also evidence Ted Nugent once passed through Klamath some years ago but when he found out all the wildlife around worth shooting were already dead, he said, "Screw this sh*t, I'm outta here." and spat some chew on a sidewalk and left. His chew spit can be viewed at the local Klamath County Museum.