Cat

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“That wasn't chicken!”
~ Your neighbor on your prowess as a barbecue chef
Cat
GodzillaCat
Species Descendants of either Kitler or Catzilla
Type Approx. 60 WPM
Size 2 to 12in
Color Varies
Common Names Tom, Cattalynn, Paul, Fat Face, Nermal, Peaches, Fuzzywinkins, Snuggles, Kitzie and Pussy.
Abilities Extreme "lying around", driving, shedding rugs worth of fur, vertical refrigerator leaps (127ft max.), limited time travel, entertain humans with string or laser pointer, shred sensitive documents, stay under beds for extended periods of time (2374 years max.), cloning, hacking skills, and multiple lives.
Homeworld Cat Nation
Origins Multiple. ("Cat" is the birth word of "Owned".)

The Cat ('Felis Catus') are the creatures of legends. It's well known that Cats are 'serious business and are not to be taken lightly' [citation needed]. Aliens and monsters created the Cat Creature as companions to keep them company and not judge them.[1] Unfortunately for said monsters and aliens, the newly created Cat Creatures were extremely clever and determined them to be less than peers. Cats immediately stole extra lives from the bonus round. After dropping the 'Creature' title Cats struck off on their own to find new diversions. Some Cats experienced devastating space radiation during the journey and became less intelligent. Cats (when not producing kittens) now dominate world governments or live with lonely old people to keep them company and give them something to do. Cats prefer to live with those least likely to go to jail.

Mistyquiksilvar

"Eddie" Cats are commonly used to obtain better television reception in most parts of the United States. Now that common analog signals have been converted to digital, unused Eddie Cats will be accepted at all Kitten recycling locations for a return deposit. (Photo Courtesy of Whakapura, New Zealand).

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Cat.

Verification & Authentication

Cat Verification

Evilkittypossessed

An alternate variation to the, "You're a kitty!" method.

Or Catification, is the act of informing a Cat that it is, indeed, a Cat. This is typically performed by kneeling down near a resting (and soon-to-be-perturbed) Cat, petting it and saying: "You're a kitty!" (A variation to kneeling is to pick up the Cat & stare deeply into its confused face.) Always follow up the verification declaration with other factual statements such as, "you're cuddly," "you have lots of kitty fur," or "you're my pretty kitty." Warning: NEVER startle the Cat! Always speak in a soothing or singsong voice.

Frequent Cat Verification is clinically proven to be vital to a cat's emotional and psychological development. In addition, without the constant reminder of its intrinsic nature the Cat may come to believe that it is a dog, blender, velociraptor, or communist.

Cat Authentication

Or Authenti-Cation, is the act of revealing the Cat's bar code. This task is accomplished by simply rubbing lemon juice on the animal whilst it's held over the open flame of a candle. Once sufficiently warmed, a black light shone on (or near) the USB port will reveal the model and serial number.

Cats and Supernatural Powers

Zombie Nixon stated in his newspaper, with research from his scientists have found that when cats nap (usually about 24 hours) they are in the realm of the living dead and have supernatural powers. Cats have been known to attack people waking the cat up, but hey, you wouldn't want some old guy waking you up either. Some cats have been known to vomit on dogs. Hitler and his scientists (and hitler melons) have found that cats can defeat the jews, when they are in such a state. Cats have been known to scratch jews altering their life because the jews are now Werecats. Some times you can hear hitler yell "Here kitty, kitty, kitty to his zombie jews, and yes they do respond to him.

Some guy named Shroedinger attempted to demonstrate the property of a gun in a quantum physics experiment. He was attempting to prove that a cat can be both alive and dead at the same time, but the cat foiled him by bolting the moment the gun was pulled out. Then he attempted to put the cat in a steel box with radioactivity and a flask of poisonous substance to be broken by a device. However, the cat attacked him with claws and teeth, bolted and hid rather than be put in the steel box. This proves that cats are telepathic.

Purring

Cats emit a deep, vibrato sound called a 'purr'. This sound is made by many types of felines. Purring is a painfully loud noise produced by a Cat as it shows pleasure, concentrates or thinks. While the sound varies in detail from Cat to Cat and from species to species (e.g., loudness, treble, wavelength, frequency, etc.), it can generally be described as a sort of tonal buzzing.

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The lead guitar player for Josie and the PussyCats makes her axe purrr!

Many have debated over the exact essence of a "purring," but the sound can be most related to that of a computer connecting to the internet via a dial-up connection. Felines produce this enchanting noise simply by inflating and deflating a small sack located near the base of the tail; just above the USB slot. If a Cat purrs for four or more hours it is highly recommended you contact a doctor. Some believe that rare frequencies of purring can cause a human's head to asplode, but the supposed infrequent occasions have been dismissed entirely by pundits. Yet to be confirmed or denied, however, is the belief that purring is in fact an audible noise pollution caused by the Cat's internal areas producing radiation (known as ρ radiation) in a plot to kill their masters and take over the world. This radiation may be the cause of the phenomenon known as the lolCat effect.

Purring Related to Birds

LVFPchuiDCellBattery

"Large Voltage From Pussycats; Charge Handling Universal Interface" Canadian "C" Cell Cattery.

Some Cats purr so strongly that their entire bodies vibrate. It's known that Cats chase birds, but very few people know that Cats only purr this loud after they've swallowed an entire hummingbird. The continuous audible "purring" noise heard is the avian desperately trying to escape. A guttural ripping sound can be heard indicating both the hummingbird's successful escape along with the Cat's extra life repairing the damage. After this behaviour Cats don't run out of lives, because once the penultimate life is used the Cat's teeth vanish and it is very nearly impossible for them to gum a hummingbird back into it's gullet when this happens. (When Cats lose all of their 9 lives they come back to haunt us.)

Purring Related to Generators

A Cat can, undoubtedly, be hooked up to a generator whilst purring to collect the full capacity of it's awesomeness. Direct use of these pussitively charged ions is prohibited in many areas as it (rarely) may cause the receiver's head to asplode unexpectedly. It is recommended a modified standard battery, or special use cattery, be used to store this energy. These devices allow a proper meowing of the line voltage to be safely obtained. This stored Cat energy gives the user a comforting pleasure nine times that of kitten huffing if used in controlled doses. Some side effects of Purre-Energy include ultimate sleeping power or an insatiable craving for catnip.

Scientific achievements

Teleportation

Flyingcat

Unidentified Flying Cats (UFC's) are a growing phenomena. This collarless Cat image was caught by a camera on a countdown timer.

Cats played an integral (and hitherto unmentioned) part in the development of teleportation systems on spaceships. By observing how Cats often appear directly under people's feet seemingly out of nowhere Isaac Newton worked out the biological aspects of teleportation. (Using a resonating frequency that vibrated postulated matter, Newton was often discovered by chaperons in girl's locker rooms.) It has been scientifically proven that Cats "teleport" quieter on soft surfaces such as carpet, peat moss, or corpses; however testing was inconclusive for other surfaces such as tile, water or airplane wings. With a rumored ability to make inter-dimensional time jumps Cats have been known to pop out of the air and leave rats heads on your bed. Nice.

Cats In Time

Back in the 1950s
Cat of Time

This Cat governs Time. Don't fuck with him.

, a Cat fraternity at the infamous Feline University decided to invent a time machine, and they did; in a few hours too. After a quick discussion, the group decided to go back to the beginning of the universe to see what really happened; and who or what created them (although it is obvious it was His Noodlyness). Wackily enough, instead of the beginning of the universe they were detoured by a space-time monkey wearing an orange reflective vest and wound up at the Ruler of Time's apartment block. She demanded they tell her what a holla back girl was or she'd call the vet and get them all fixed. Deafened by the Ruler of Time's booming voice and girlish figure, the fraternity Cats lost their janglies to a scalpel.

Sexually confused, they each embarked on their own journey through time screwing up prominent figures of history, such as Charlie Chaplin, moose, Napoleon, and Jane Fonda (Oscar Wilde was already quite crackers). Luckily, they were unable to cause many manCat babies to be made and ultimately avoid the new race which may have sparked a global conflict. Other stuff also happened that ended with the creation of cellphones and the first record of "Bad Motherfucker" written on a wallet.

Importance in other topics

Physics in relation to cats

Cat toast

To Determine the Motion of a Cat with a Slice of Buttered Toast Strapped to its Back: Let F_c[2] be the attractive forces of each of the Cat's feet to the carpeting (not shown), and let F_bt be the net rotational torque imposed by the carpeting upon the buttered side of the toast. By the 42nd proposition of Murphy's Law, the system will begin to rotate in a counterclockwise fashion, causing the Cat (C) to experience a large measure of confusion. The partially melted butter (B), which is adhered to the toast (T) by comparatively weak Van der Waals forces, is overwhelmed by the large centrifugal fictional force, though the buttered toast(BT)and Cat(C)will in fact cancel out each others forces to fall on their butter side/feet, causing the buttered toast/Cat(BT+C) to spin in a clockwise motion. The spinning Cat and toast (C+T), having thus divested itself of surplus butter, will then experience tidal drag within the Earth's gravitational field until such time as rotational equilibrium is restored.

It has been universally proven that Cats always land on their feet when pushed from a 10th story balcony, and it is a widely known fact that a Cat reaches its terminal velocity (the fastest speed it can reach before it stops accelerating and moves at a constant speed) after falling a mere seven stories. A Cat might sustain minor bruises and such from a fall from this height. It actually has a reduced risk of injury if falling from a height greater than 7 stories, because it has time to orient itself feet-first and stretch out like a flying squirrel to absorb the impact better.

To test this scientific discovery, a Cat was lobbed off the roof of a 100-story building, plummeting to the ground, where it hissed up at the scientists and scurried into an alley after a mouse.

Final conclusion based on result of experiment: Cat + 100 stories=angry Cat. This result can also be expressed using the equation c+100s=ac.

It is also widely known that buttered toast tends to land butter side down when dropped. Deranged lunatics once had a theory that if they buttered the back of a Cat with I can't believe it's not butter, and threw the Cat off a ledge, the laws of physics would battle it out, while one law is trying to land butter side down, the other law is trying to land on its paws, which would result in anti-gravity struggle in mid-air to fulfill the proper law(s). Although this theory was widely believed for a few years, it was later proven wrong when the experiment was carried out with real butter, leaving 2 of our 5 scientists blind due to the feline clawing their eyes out. They concluded that Cats don't always land butter side down, and to this day Cats landing butter side down is not one of the laws of physics.

Alternate theories suggest that buttering the back of a Cat would launch it into a perpetual horizontal spin every time it jumped. Some have even suggested that this could be the holy grail of a new energy source, the elusive perpetual motion machine. However, dissenters (from Saudi Arabia and OPEC) have argued that it would most likely result in more man made tornadoes, hurricanes and monsoons.

Cats always landing on their feet is also not one of the laws of physics. Sometimes, they fall so fast that they don't have enough time to swivel around and they land on their side like a pancake. Cats also must protect themselves, because in the wild they need to be agile, flexible, large in appearance to enemies and able to lick their anus, therefore toast lands different ways depending on how it fell, and Cats landing on their feet is an instinct, so...um...what the hell am I trying to prove?

Various other hypotheses suggesting that the Cat will still fall on its feet and then roll over exist. But no one has ever proven such ridiculous theories yet, and never plan to.

Another possibility is that if you let a Cat fall with buttered toast strapped to its back over a highly expensive carpet, it will land on its feet, destroy the carpet in anger and then roll over in order to get rid of the toast, ruining the carpet beyond all reason.

NASA has also discovered that the Catfall principle could be used as a potentially good source of anti gravity. If one's spaceship holds a sufficient Catmass then there is no need for expensive rockets. Alien cultures have long known this and have been using Catpower as their main means of atmospheric flight since 3 million B.C., although we humans are such idiots that we've never thought to use Cats for this purpose until recently. Unbeknownst to many, the eerie hum of UFOs is actually the sound of hundreds of purring tabby Cats. Cat Power, wrote about the Phenomenon, and the way it changed interstellar travel forever, in her album You Are Free.

This can be expressed using the formula (m_c+m_t+m_b)/m_s=t_s where m_c is the Cats mass, m_t is the toast's mass, m_b is the butter's mass, and t_s is the spaceship's thrust.

Cats and ceilings

Ceiling cat

A ceiling cat carries immense quantities of magic, which it uses to carry out its plans.

"Ceiling Cats" have been around for as long as man has had homes with white interior paint; spontaneously appearing in a square shaped hole between the stucco and the attic. (This is especially disturbing in a multi-story structures when one is on a lower floor.) For fear of a tear in the potential dimensional rift it is illegal to remove ceiling Cats in most countries. Contrary to popular belief Cats do not appear to watch or prevent masturbation, but to insure the sound structural integrity of housing units, the prevention of masturbation is simply a side effect of Cat inspection.

Relationship with numbers

The relationship between cats and the number Nine is well known from ancient times. A cat is said to have nine lives. 9.19 am is known as the cat moment. At that time cats grow whiskers and furs. At that very moment, the hands of the clock looks like a canon, I mean a Howitzer. The etymological meaning of the Hawaiian word Howitzer is something that has the ut(tail) in hawa(air), which, precisely, refers to a cat. The number 9 depicts a cat with its tail between the legs. This conveys the meaning that they are peaceful animals and cherish world peace. The number nine also denotes negation and it is well known that cats were the Egyptian God of negation. This sense of negation has survived in various cultural aspects throughout the world. In German Nine means No. In Bangla, it is called Noy, which also means no. In India taxi drivers stop their cars if a cat crosses their road. This phenomenon is known as 'billi ne cut diya' or the cat has cut'.

In subliminal messaging

Cats have also used subliminal messaging to influence people. This can be seen in newspaper articles, television programs and books. The prominent author 'Molly Katz' is actually a Cat hidden behind a clever pen-name. Her subliminal messages have destroyed many human relationships to further the aims of Cat worship. The next time you find a cover of one of her books in the bargain books recycle bin take a look at how authentic her Human Exoskeleton looks on the book jacket. Cats often use subliminal messaging to change the topic during conversations and written works. Cats should ALWAYS be given lots of tuna. "Cat" in Latin does not mean "beats with huge face." You should always leave the dOG outside at night. There are 47 subliminal Cat messages in this paragraph.

UltraCationalists

After the Second Crusade, the primitive (but really resourceful; like Boy George Scouts, except not gay) group KiTTeNS splintered into two factions - the Loyalist KiTTeNS and the brand-spanking new Catstabbers UltraCationalists. These UltraCationalists started out in China (Modern-day Cleveland) and eventually moved to the Middle East. They founded a really awesome citadel and a town provided daycare services. These UltraCationalists invented a new trickblade that came out of their paws, which was really useful for shaming their owners and telemarketers through phone lines. Although they had a tabby coat to be sure they looked awesome while running and climbing, they also wore a never-dirty white robe with red ribbons in around their tails, which caused them to look like bicycles to any passers-by. Occasionally, the highly experienced members would ring bells with their teeth, and click baseball cards to simulate the effect when around the city guards of Jerusakitten, Catre, and Dameow.

These highly trained UltraCationalists eventually got too far ahead of themselves, and wound up fighting the Templarps, a group of radical, done-so-many-times-it-isn't-groundbreaking-or-controversial-anymore Christian fanatics who have set up a conspiracy that goes all the way back to the invention of sliced bread (holy shit!!!!). The group lasted for another five hundred years until the Ubisoft Montreal systematically killed every non-due paying member one by one and destroyed all cellophane records of them.

Features

Cleanliness

Cats are the creatures of the intellectually superior in film and dance but are often the sad victim of social ostracism when covered in dipping sauce. (Cat's who live with unlonely old people fear being eaten at a pre-determined time when covered with savory's as well.) Cats figuring out that no one wants to be touched by their sticky little paws when damp, have developed an aversion to being covered by any type of liquid other than their own spittle. Traditionally this is due to the first seasoned cats licking themselves clean as a last resort when being chased be ravenous villagers. This Cat's genetically shared memory of being doused in delicious sauce begat a coincidence of cleanliness, and provides the feline with a happy endorphin release.

Bottoms

It is a lesser-known fact that Cat's backsides do, in fact, look like (*) towel holders. There has of course been hearty debate as to the reason for this, most notably by certain theologians who maintain that this is evidence of God existing, as He obviously simply grabbed a spare part to serve as a makeshift anus. This is disputed by those who believe He specifically bought the towel holders from something not far off a cosmic Home Depot. Cats are actually larger on the inside than the outside, which explains why the litter box is overflowing. Biscuit Nipples.

Why cats are better than dogs

Funny-pictures-mgm-mascot-kitten

Dogs have never been chosen to open for a major movie studio.

Cats have softer hair, don't bark all night, pay their taxes, never pant, and they don't pry into your personal business (unless its got to do with <insert name here>'s dirty, dirty sex practices.) Cats clean themselves, and use litter boxes, while dogs shake water all over you after you have generously given them a bath, and dig in the sand (oblivious to its purpose as a litterbox). Cats (while being sometime hostile, evil little bastards) are actually thoroughly better than canines. They process thought to create solutions to Cat problems. (Though evil thoughts about destruction, Twisted Sister, masturbation, and of course, NBC Dateline, sometimes creep in.) They have an extraordinary ability to brainwash humans into doing their evil humane deeds, like making the family dog stay outside, or watching the DaVinci Code. Dogs can do none of these things, and therefore are not as talented as Cats. (Will they one day be shunned by mankind?) Cats often chase evil spirits from the room, whereas dogs are content to let them feed on your soul provided they receive attention from you at some (now or future) point. Some dogma focused scientists theorize this will result in the end of mankind as once the Cats have control over robots created to open cans of food, cats will be out to kill us all.

Cats have amazingly creative ideas on how to please their humans. They know humans like to decorate things and, like cats, are fascinated by texture, so they add a creative touch to sofas and curtains by shredding them. They know humans like interesting smells, so they create interesting smells by pissing in their food, drink, wardrobes, shoes, etc. They know humans like movement, so they open and close doors continuously, occasionally with the humans' help since humans like interaction. They know humans like to play hide and seek, so they play hide and go seek by hiding in the linen closet on your best towels or clean sheets, or vomiting and leaving excrement in hard to find places or hiding dead animals in the hallway and in your bed. They know humans like porn and tend to be voyeurs, so they lick gross parts of their body.

Why cats are better than humans

Theoretical theorists postulate an alternate theory that Nature created the Cat Creature as a gentle companion to humans, to keep them company and not judge them. However Nature, as everyone knows, likes to fuck with humans; and the soft nature of the Cat is not the case. Because of this the theorists have claimed that a Cat will sit on the top of the refrigerator for hours on end, watching for mice judging its owners' numerous deficiencies with a look of disdain that is genetically impossible to hide. They say this smug view from the refrigerator, inherently condescending, proves to the Cat that people are idiots. Meanwhile they go on to say the average Cat owner sits for hours on the couch staring at a talking box, ignoring the reeking litterbox, forgetting the empty food and water dishes, only to fall asleep on the couch before failing to contribute to the Cat society at large. The Cat, incensed that the litter box has three piles of scat and multiple piss-pies begins to simmer with rage. They feel that such a highly sophisticated creature should not have to endure standing in its own waste, (the equivalent of a human not flushing the toilet for a week). The Cat becomes infuriated and resorts to using the couch as a scratching post and relieving itself in the distant corners of the back rooms for revenge: "Cats can be very catty when pissed off." claims one report.[citation needed] Theorists state that although a Cat has no eyebrows, it can create a "pissed off" look on demand; and rightfully so! "How would you like it if you had to crap in a box of sand with your last three weeks of excrement?" a second report asks.[citation needed] "And then, after wading through this sewer-like environment, had to jump on the kitchen table to eat crumbs of delicious food, unlike your own food which is basically pigs feet, chicken guts, and whole wheat?" it further rambles on.[citation needed] Additional thoughts on the subject abound from the theorists... but we've covered all the main points here.

Kitten Huffing

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One of the affects of kitten huffing: Cats look more realistic.

Main article: Kitten Huffing

Cats and the Huff Economy

In Broketober of 2009, economists discovered that a special kind of non-huffable Cat existed; and that this unique breed, known as the EconoCats, actually control all world economies. In their effort to "streamline world affairs," the EconoCats typical utilize dream meandering, thought transmutation, atmospheric transmutation, and monetary policy. Originally revealed by a drug-addled dream by Some Guy, moneysmiths recognized them immediately. Fortunately for the huff-addicted, these non-huffable Cats remain a minority limited to less than two dozen in number.

Kitty Porn

Not to be confused with kiddy porn, is what Cats get off on in their spare time. Kitty porn is widely to believed to be the second least looked at kind of porn and illegal in the 76 states of America and most of the undeveloped world. It is however hyper-legal in New Zealand, but frowned upon by the locals who firmly uphold the traditional viewership of sheepshagging, or colloquially, ramrooting. Kitty porn is usually photos of two or more cats in a clothing optional salon showing off their bodies.


See Also


Footnotes

  1. This ENTIRE article is full of conflicting information because of time travel temporal paradoxs. Contradictions about Cat origins, abilities or movement through space and time contained in this article should be taken at face value as ALL OF THEM ARE TRUE! Please enjoy your life free of change before a time traveling cyborg erases you from existence. Thank you.
  2. Physics in relation to Cats: F_c is used to reference Cat's feet because Cats like soccer.

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