Kitten hurling battle

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[[Image:Kittenscruff.jpg|thumb|Kittens are most easily thrown by the scruff]]
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[[Image:Human.jpg|thumb|right|A special human variant of Kitten Hurling has proven less popular due to the high price of the cranial toilet-paper required.]]
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An ancient and dangerous sport from which modern day [[curling]] is derived, the '''Kitten Hurling Battle''' originated in the steamy jungles of what is now [[Quebec]] as a mating ritual of the [[Aztecs]]. Men would attempt to establish dominance over each other to impress [[females]] by measure of how vicious a kittening he could receive.
An ancient and dangerous sport from which modern day [[curling]] is derived, the '''Kitten Hurling Battle''' originated in the steamy jungles of what is now [[Quebec]] as a [[mating ritual]] of the [[Aztecs]]. Men would attempt to establish dominance over each other to impress [[females]] by measure of how vicious a kittening he could receive.
 
   
 
The object of the sport is to force one's opponent into submission using nothing but [[kittens]]. Today, the sport is enjoyed by both sexes and has risen dramatically in popularity, narrowly beating out [[Gerbil Tennis]] as the national pastime of both [[France]] and [[Poland]].
 
The object of the sport is to force one's opponent into submission using nothing but [[kittens]]. Today, the sport is enjoyed by both sexes and has risen dramatically in popularity, narrowly beating out [[Gerbil Tennis]] as the national pastime of both [[France]] and [[Poland]].
   
 
== Materials Required ==
 
== Materials Required ==
[[Image:Human.jpg|thumb|A special human variant of Kitten Hurling has proven less popular due to the high price of the cranial toilet-paper required.]]
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[[Image:Kitten.jpg|thumb|right|Dunking adds +5 Aggressiveness]]
   
 
A proper Kitten Hurling Battle requires the following:
 
A proper Kitten Hurling Battle requires the following:
Line 15: Line 15:
 
*Dunking Bucket (optional)
 
*Dunking Bucket (optional)
   
[[Image:Kitten.jpg|thumb|left|Dunking adds +5 Aggressiveness]]
 
 
== How to Play ==
 
== How to Play ==
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[[Image:Kittenscruff.jpg|thumb|right|Kittens are most easily thrown by the scruff]]
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Players decide upon a number of [[kittens]] to play with, generally around 25 to 30, or more if they're small. After loading their Kitten Belts, Players stand atop their pedestals and face away from each other. One ([[metric]]) minute of silence must be observed to honor [[Felix]], king of the felines, timed by another person (known as the KatMaster). The KatMaster then initiates each round (called a "Fur") by blowing a clear, shrill note on an ivory whistle. This enrages the [[kittens]], preparing them for battle. After the whistle has been blown, the players may choose to further enrage the kittens (thus giving them +5 Aggressiveness) by dipping them in the Dunking Bucket, or they may immediately commence hurling.
   
Players decide upon a number of [[kittens]] to play with, generally around 25 to 30, or more if they're small. After loading their Kitten Belts, Players stand atop their pedestals and face away from each other. One ([[metric]]) minute of silence must be observed to honor [[Felix]], king of the felines, timed by another person (known as the KatMaster). The KatMaster then initiates each round (called a "Fur") by blowing a clear, shrill note on an ivory whistle. This enrages the [[kittens]], preparing them for battle. After the whistle has been blown, the players may choose to further enrage the kittens (thus giving them +5 Aggressiveness) by dipping them in the Dunking Bucket, or they may immediately commence hurling.
 
[[Image:Karate kat.jpg|thumb|Mid hurl]]
 
 
== Rules of Play ==
 
== Rules of Play ==
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[[Image:Cat borg.jpg|thumb|right|Mechanically enhanced]]
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# You do not talk during a Fur
  +
# If someone says "stop" or falls off his pedestal, the Fur is over
  +
# A Fur will go on as long as it has to
  +
# At no time may either player step down off his pedestal
  +
# Kittens may only be thrown by hand. No mechanical means of throwing [[kittens]] (catapults, slingshots, [http:// addictinggames.com/kittencannon.html|cannon]) is allowed, nor is any kind of [[telekinesis]].
  +
# All disputes are settled by the KatMaster
  +
# Players must remain conscious.
  +
# Altering kittens chemically, physically or genetically is both allowed and encouraged.
  +
# The best hand any player can get is "go johnny go-go-go-go" it is advised that a player goes all in if this hand comes out.
   
2. You do not talk during a Fur<br>
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Breaking any of the rules results in immediate loss of the Fur for the player and a [[Spanking the monkey|spanking]].
9. You do not talk during a Fur<br>
 
H. If someone says "stop" or falls off his pedestal, the Fur is over<br>
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>. A Fur will go on as long as it has to<br>
 
eleventy. At no time may either player step down off his pedestal<br>
 
שׂ. Kittens may only be thrown by hand. No mechanical means of throwing [[kittens]] (catapults, slingshots, cannon) is allowed.<br>
 
®. All disputes are settled by the KatMaster<br>
 
њ. Players must remain conscious.<br>
 
۩. Altering kittens chemically, physically or genetically is both allowed and encouraged.<br>
 
 
Breaking any of the rules results in immediate loss of the Fur for the player and a [[spanking]].
 
   
 
== Winning Kitten Hurling Battle ==
 
== Winning Kitten Hurling Battle ==
[[Image:Cat borg.jpg|thumb|Mechanically enhanced]]
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[[Image:Karate kat.jpg|thumb|right|Mid hurl]]
In most places, Kitten Hurling Battle is played to the [[death]], yet some Battles end after a certain number of Furs. A player is announced the winner of a Fur if his opponent is unable to continue (a KO) or breaks any of the above rules. The winning player traditionally does a victory dance which may or may not include [[kitten huffing]]. A celebratory dinner including [[fairies]] is also common.
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In most places, Kitten Hurling Battle is played to the [[death]], yet some Battles end after a certain number of Furs. A player is announced the winner of a Fur if his opponent is unable to continue (a KO) or breaks any of the above rules. The winning player traditionally does a victory [[Pelvic thrust|pelvic thrusting]] dance which may or may not include [[kitten huffing]]. A celebratory dinner including [[fairies]] is also common.
   
 
Kitten hurling is one of the main sources of [[Kitten-related human fatalities|kitten-related human fatalities]].
 
Kitten hurling is one of the main sources of [[Kitten-related human fatalities|kitten-related human fatalities]].
  +
  +
As [[cat]]s have nine lives, the kittens come back and take revenge.
   
 
== Related Sports ==
 
== Related Sports ==
 
 
*[[Gerbil Tennis]]
 
*[[Gerbil Tennis]]
 
*[[Curling]]
 
*[[Curling]]
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*[[Kung Fu]]
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{{FA|date=8 May 2005|revision=43170}}
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{{Hurts Kittens}}
   
[[Category:Sports]]
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[[Category:Battles]]
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[[Category:Combat sports]]
 
[[Category:Kittens]]
 
[[Category:Kittens]]

Latest revision as of 09:58, August 23, 2011

Human

A special human variant of Kitten Hurling has proven less popular due to the high price of the cranial toilet-paper required.

An ancient and dangerous sport from which modern day curling is derived, the Kitten Hurling Battle originated in the steamy jungles of what is now Quebec as a mating ritual of the Aztecs. Men would attempt to establish dominance over each other to impress females by measure of how vicious a kittening he could receive.

The object of the sport is to force one's opponent into submission using nothing but kittens. Today, the sport is enjoyed by both sexes and has risen dramatically in popularity, narrowly beating out Gerbil Tennis as the national pastime of both France and Poland.

edit Materials Required

Kitten

Dunking adds +5 Aggressiveness

A proper Kitten Hurling Battle requires the following:

  • Two Pedestals approximately 7.3 meters apart (these may be rocks, or boxes, or even tree stumps)
  • Two Kitten Belts (these store kittens to be thrown)
  • Ivory Whistle
  • Kittens
  • Dunking Bucket (optional)

edit How to Play

Kittenscruff

Kittens are most easily thrown by the scruff

Players decide upon a number of kittens to play with, generally around 25 to 30, or more if they're small. After loading their Kitten Belts, Players stand atop their pedestals and face away from each other. One (metric) minute of silence must be observed to honor Felix, king of the felines, timed by another person (known as the KatMaster). The KatMaster then initiates each round (called a "Fur") by blowing a clear, shrill note on an ivory whistle. This enrages the kittens, preparing them for battle. After the whistle has been blown, the players may choose to further enrage the kittens (thus giving them +5 Aggressiveness) by dipping them in the Dunking Bucket, or they may immediately commence hurling.

edit Rules of Play

Cat borg

Mechanically enhanced

  1. You do not talk during a Fur
  2. If someone says "stop" or falls off his pedestal, the Fur is over
  3. A Fur will go on as long as it has to
  4. At no time may either player step down off his pedestal
  5. Kittens may only be thrown by hand. No mechanical means of throwing kittens (catapults, slingshots, [http:// addictinggames.com/kittencannon.html|cannon]) is allowed, nor is any kind of telekinesis.
  6. All disputes are settled by the KatMaster
  7. Players must remain conscious.
  8. Altering kittens chemically, physically or genetically is both allowed and encouraged.
  9. The best hand any player can get is "go johnny go-go-go-go" it is advised that a player goes all in if this hand comes out.

Breaking any of the rules results in immediate loss of the Fur for the player and a spanking.

edit Winning Kitten Hurling Battle

Karate kat

Mid hurl

In most places, Kitten Hurling Battle is played to the death, yet some Battles end after a certain number of Furs. A player is announced the winner of a Fur if his opponent is unable to continue (a KO) or breaks any of the above rules. The winning player traditionally does a victory pelvic thrusting dance which may or may not include kitten huffing. A celebratory dinner including fairies is also common.

Kitten hurling is one of the main sources of kitten-related human fatalities.

As cats have nine lives, the kittens come back and take revenge.

edit Related Sports

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Note: Many kittens were harmed during the creation of this article.
We just wanted to brag about it.
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