Kitten Huffing

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Orange Kitten

The orange ones fuck you up real good.


Kitten huffing in action


Kitten huffing is a great alternative to normal street drugs and vitamins. It is well known that ingesting kittens has its side effects, so please, don't huff more than two or three a day. Kitten-related human fatalities are no joke.

The technique that works the best tends to be the 'cupped hands approach'. This technique, developed by Santa Claus, quote, "...gets you high as a motherfucker!"

Step-by-step Instructions

1. Catch a live kitten.
2. Cup hands around kitten's head leaving a small hole for you to put your mouth around.
3. Inhale strongly until you have sucked the soul from the kitten.
5. Ride the snake. Don't fight it. You feel'n that shit yet? Yeeeeaah.
f. Discard the kitten at your closest Kitten Recycling Center. Don't be a dick. Recycle.

Theories on Effects

Some say that the high you feel from kitten huffing comes from absorbing the soul exiting the body. Others say it is the post-mortem gases that the kitten expels that give the practice its euphoric effects. The truth is we have the combined efforts of the RIAA and the MPAA to thank for the practice and effect of kitten huffing. Without their tireless research, not only would we be without a great pastime, but we'd also have wasted hours of time reading factual data instead of their skewed data on music and movie sales.

Additionally, kitten huffing risks eternal damnation, as it is one of the Seven Deadly Sins...but man, the experience is WICKED.

In case of emergency contact your nearest Poison Control Centre. And for God's sake make sure you're huffing the correct end of the kitten.

Where to find kittens


As with all recreational animal use, there are tell-tale signs that a person has inhaled too much kitten: furballs. A furball, when dealt with by a cat, is a disgusting sight and sound, but when humans start doing it, justifiable homicide is the only cure. Don't bother patting them on the back as they hack up a pound of ginger hair, shoot them squarely in the face. It's for their own good.

The Fight Against Kitten Huffing

To be honest, there's not much of a fight going on; most of society now accepts kitten huffing (though not the furballs it can create). However, in the 1950s, the BBC did try to champion the notion that kitten huffing was a bad thing. A series of radio messages were recorded and played during Children's Hour. Here is a surviving part of that series: Uncle Bertie's message to the children.

See Also

Kittens Huffing

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