From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| Catgirls, Hentai and furries, Oh my!|
This page contains catgirls, hentai and/or furries and is not safe for human consumption.
If caught reading this page, roll over and play dead.
“Kitsune are the third cutest thing in the world. Second is a hot chick with nice big round tits. First? The second, but as a kitsune.”
“You never saw that.”
Kitsune is simply Japanese for fox, but outside Japan it has come to mean anthropomorphic fox beings that are rather more than simple foxes. They're are found all over the world, but Japan has the dubious pleasure of being the place they are best understood.
The very first one is known as The Lady. Apparently one of the incredibly powerful Hindu “magical” psychic beings that thinks of its self as a god gave high intelligence, strong psychic powers and an anthropomorphic build to a female Vulpes vulpes, a vixen in India some time around the dawn of civilization. She will not give any specifics even when asked really tactfully. Perhaps if Terry Gross got her on Fresh Air, we might find out something really interesting. The being gave her the traditional Hindu deity multiple limbs to her so she ended up with ten tails. [Possible TMI (Too Much Information) warning for the rest of the paragraph.] She does look good with nice breasts with sensitive black nipples and areolae, the kind that are well proportioned without being too big. She also has the typical kitsune lanky digitigrade legs.
The furverted god that made her kitsune tried a little too hard to persuade her to be his mate. Just look for the god in the Hindu pantheon noted for the large vixen bite mark.
Being the only one of her kind, she got lonely. She tried to change another fox into what she is but found him a lousy conversationalist. He did get the hang of speech after 300 years. He also got her pregnant taking care of other needs. She found humans made better kitsune converts at least initially. It works especially well if it is voluntary on the part of the human.
She came up with an arcane yet kinky transformation ritual for humans of which there are now numerous versions floating around. [Possible TMI for the rest of the paragraph.] Most evolved into the spiritual equivalent of a gangbang (having sex with multiple partners in quick succession, not two street gangs fighting). If you meet up with any kitsune, be careful. You may not want to live a particularly exotic lifestyle (or have your soul eaten if they are not particularly nice!). The ritual sort of feels like that hopeless state of deep arousal and sensory overload some people go through the first time they have sex, where the person enters a disorienting altered state and if the person is male, they can not ejaculate if their life depended on it.
Seeing the sun come up after that much hard physical activity all night, feeling more awake and alive than the person did at bed time would be odd enough but for the really odd sensation of being in a completely different kind of body and mind and having remarkably well developed senses and a wagable tail! If you ever smell a foxy (skunk like) odor at the the mad scientist, science fiction or furry convention, one or more people will probably leave rather different from when they showed up. Someone will get stuck with the cleaning bill to make the room stop smelling like a fox ranch at breeding season. Fortunately they usually “passed the hat” and made sure to give the room renter (usually one of the initiates!) enough money to cover the post ceremony cleaning. It can be remarkably entertaining if hotel staff walk into the room at many of the more interesting climactic periods of the process.XD
edit Powers with a Science Tangent
A kitsune can shoot hot fire, rays or bolts of lightning from its eyes, mouth or hands, much like the evil emperor in the Star Wars movies. Kitsune can set the bolts to different kinds and energy levels like a phaser, anything from “instant ash” to “tickle”, with or without the fancy light show. They can give particularly interesting backrubs using these powers.
Within the cosmos kitsune can make a local distortion in space-time, creating a little microcosm with its own rules of nature. They like to hide the doorways to them behind furniture, in closets, or out in the open like that Klingon ship Kirk stole and parked in the 20th century. Putting them in old refrigerators with the door that can not be opened from the inside or in a car trunk can be a remarkably bad idea. A door that is easy to open from the microcosm side into a vehicle can be remarkably useful. The microcosms make good safe rooms if irrational or bigoted people and/or Homeland Security finds out there is a family of kitsune in a particular home and burst their way in. The distance between doorways is often quite different from the distance outside the microcosm so some are as simple appearing (try making one!) as a doorway to a place in some other part of the Universe. Microcosm safe rooms often have multiple doorways in places like the home of friends or relatives a long distance away, so kits too young to teleport can get themselves to safety. Putting a microcosm behind a door with a window on it can attract unwanted attention, especially if it is a car door. Before the entrances can be stabilized, building ones with entrances on different parts of the world can be complicated by their tendency to try to link up with some sort of anomalous space-time flux in Cheyenne Mountain.
Some of the microcosms are ostentatious shows of kitsune powers. Some have a personal solar system with a world in it that has flying palaces, amusement parks, vast throngs of faithful serfs, sushi bars, rather odd specialty houses of prostitution, etc. Sometimes kitsune slow down time in their microcosm so a day in there is seven years out here. God knows why. It would seem more logical to speed time up so someone could take a long vacation in a microcosm but no, they have to slow time down.
Kitsune can also create discrete objects anywhere from a quark up to a complete solar system if they are powerful enough. (If the following does not make much sense, just remember “It will not be on the test”.) The objects and microcosms are real to most kitsune and anyone who you can pull "These are not the droids you are looking for." style tricks on. If someone deeply spiritual who can see through the Veil of Illusion or just the presence of a deeply skeptical person like The Great Randy can make the psychic constructs melt like Styrofoam packing peanuts in acetone. (Try that some time, its fun!). Someone simply realizing or finding out they are not real can undo things too. It takes a remarkable amount of deep belief to hold their little semi-imaginary objects and mini-cosmoses together. The observer as part of the strong consensus of most everything else has the weight of most of the cosmos on their side when they realize the kitsune constructs are not real. The quantum entanglement they have with the objects essentially rips the things apart at the most fundamental level. Quantum entanglement also causes the kitsune to have a serious mental breakdown when someone causes their things to come undone. One kitsune does not loose hir mind and hir constructs spring back when the skeptical observers stop looking. Most kitsune use their deeply egotistical personalities to hold their constructs together. The resilient kitsune knows that observing reality is rather subjective and that all we have is our own point of view when it comes to reality. This is a direct result of being a Unitarian Universalist (UU), a religion full of people who can not make up their minds as to what they do believe.
If they have enough life experience under their belt, a kitsune can become just about anything. (Showoffs!). Some have a fetish where they like to seduce human males while pretending to be an attractive human woman. Sometimes they end up in love with the guy and enjoy looking like a human woman anyway so the kitsune shacks up with the fellow. In imitating humans many kitsune have fallen for and started families with humans. This has had an effect on the human gene pool and human cultures mostly around East Asia and Japan especially. Whether this is good or bad is an ongoing line of speculation.
Kitsune can also teleport great distances and pass in and out of the dimensions between the different cosmoses. They can fly through space at warp speed sans space suit. For beings with such burning curiosity, it is odd they have not done scientific surveys of what is found out there or even appreciate science.
There is a vast fractal made of innumerable cosmoses in the dimensions between cosmoses so beautiful, it moved one recent kitsune convert to tears. Someone would think they would want share it with other kitsune. Someone would think they would at least set up a scenic overview. But no, that would involve effort, like cleaning a foxy smelling hotel room with "magic".
According to credible sources a kitsune can possess a person (usually a woman) either under her finger nails or through her nipples. Now, this of course brings up interesting questions. As you can already tell, the weirdest part about the whole thing is that they enter under the fingernails half the time. Why would they even bother going under the fingernails? Is it perhaps that their hosts are usually fashion models? If so, this brings up the question whether or not they would have a bad reaction to going through infected fingernails. This has lead scientists to believe that they are in fact the leading cause of Onychomycosis.
Now about the not too odd other part of the possession. But that part is up to some other guy to edit the article about this. But if you didn't notice, they seem to also go through boobies. However, this tends to ruin a woman's prized possession resulting in lawsuits. Unfortunately kitsunes often do not have any money.
Outside of female possession there possibly exists one notable male that has been possessed. His sudden superhuman strength and seemingly impervious unbreakable body leads one researcher to believe somewhat, kinda, a bit, certainly he is indeed a kitsune. But he fears to say it out loud for certain reasons.
The possessed are called Kitsunetsuki. After the said person has been possessed by a Kitsune they start acting feral and randomly raid houses in the nude for tofu and aburaage. When a Kitsune possesses someone they become a lump on a breast and moved when poked. If the Kitsune leaves the host than the victim will never again be able to eat tofu, azukimeshi, or other foods favored by foxes.
edit How to Possibly Spot One
Unfortunately for kitsune they can be spotted a number of ways. Being “human” is one of those psychic constructs they can have trouble with. Sometimes they cast a shadow in the shape of an anthropomorphic fox or show their natural form in a mirror, much like Vampires and their issues with mirrors. They can also show their true nature when observed with cameras. Some new kitsune who do not know about that have had some odd encounters with humans via web cams. Family photo shoots can also be a source of embarrassment. As they get more experienced or have strong wills they can overcome the whole camera, shadow, mirror thing, nonsense. Most novice kitsune can at least take on the form they had before becoming kitsune, but some can not even look like anything other than the anthropomorphic fox they are now. That is obviously a rather awkward situation to be in.
The people that monitor security cameras often spot kitsune but they have an unwritten “if we leave them alone they don’t seem to cause trouble” consensus. The ones that tactfully ask kitsune what they are often make good kitsune themselves. Kitsune telepathy and other psychic skills can make their job that much more straightforward.Alcohol use, tiredness or other mental impairments can also mess up a kitsune’s ability to hide its natural form. Other photographic devices that can expose its true nature are scanners and copy machines. Other humans often also under the influence of alcohol, aroused by what they see of the drunken kitsune's true nature have chosen then and there to become kitsune. Oddly, alcohol can make the transformation go much more quickly (but it is much more fun sober
Many kitsune let their trickster natures get the better of them, and act rather odd and hyperactive (for a human). They often can make odd noises and/or have an off the wall sense of humor. Bobby McFerrin, Charlie Callus, Mel Blanc, Roger Miller and Robin Williams are good examples of possible kitsune. (also Jim Carrey, but everyone knows that)
Most embarrassing, especially in Japan, is neglecting to make the fox tail vanish while looking human. Still, it is embarrassing enough in a Japanese restaurant while friends and Japanese staff and customers stand around laughing. Turning into a non-anthropomorphic fox and bolting from the scene has been a traditional response to being recognized as kitsune in public, but that only compounds the situation. It helps to be a rude occidental and not give a wet rat's ass if people are going to be so crass as to laugh at your misfortune.
Often tactfully asking around works if you are curious who is kitsune. It is fun to get them paranoid by acting like you see a tail behind them.
Often they are found indulging on bottle upon bottle of sake. Removing said sake from one Kitsune might lead to
- Unexplained loss of money
- Space travel
- Sore testicles
edit The Kitsune's Ball
On a side note-Kitsune have a small ball or purl. They glow; if taken away from them, or removed from them for too long they will die. They keep them close to them at all times. The kitsune guards it's ball closely, and if you can get your hands on the kitsune's ball, you can have the kitsune promise to aid you in return for it's ball. It's called a "Hoshi no Tama," not to be confused with "Tama" the maker of drums, and not to be confused with "Hoshi," the Japanese strip dancer down at the place you like so much across town. Let it be known she also might be a kitsune, because she is foxy and shags like a minx. ...or so they say.
edit Recruiting Humans
Kitsune like to find promising candidates for kitsunedom at The International Mad Scientists’, furry and science fiction conventions. It is a pain weeding out the promising candidates from the not so promising nerds and fanboys. Oddly, while most volunteers are male, enough of them have gender issues (and being kitsune allows one to freely choose what gender to be!) the sex ratio tends to work out right in the end anyway. Other good places to look for candidates include work, some of the more open-minded religions such as UUism, the UCC (Unitarians Considering Christ), liberal Quakers, many of the New Age style religions, and the more liberal sects of everything else (Hindus are especially open to anthropomorphic critters, just look at the gods Ganish and Collie). Avoid Scientology! Having the same feel as a science fiction, furry or especially the mad scientist convention, the yearly Unitarian Universalist General Assembly would also likely be a good place to look for candidates to be kitsune. Many a UU would be loathe to turn down the opportunity to try a new way of being. Laundromats, grocery stores and health food or food co-op kind of places are good, too.
If someone decides to become one, it is best for them to ask to have the transformation performed in a secluded wilderness area. Just the ambiance helps, especially if things start about the time a full moon is rising. No one has to clean a hotel room or house afterwards. A more powerful kitsune can teleport the initiate to the site in the early evening before the other kitsune arrive and transport them back the next morning in time for breakfast.
edit Why the Extra Tails
As far as the tails, it seems a kitsune adds a new tail every one hundred years, although they can get a new one before then if they brown nose or have connections. It is thought the number of tails indicates how mature and powerful it is but that is not as true as they want you to believe. As with humans, kitsune do not all mature at the same rate. Some 60-year-olds, behavior wise, could pass as 1000 and some ancient kitsune act like they should get a swift kick just below their lovely nine tails.
Often the number of tails a kitsune has goes to its head. Many nine-tails are particularly snooty, as that is the maximum a kitsune can have other than the first kitsune, The Lady herself. She's a hoot! She likes to hang out with the kitsune that actually have some humility, manners and tact.
Some kitsune age to the point where their numerous tails make it impossible to move without ample assistance, in which case he or she will hire "tail carriers" for increased mobility.
The references on the subject of kitsune often talk of nine-tail kitsune as having infinite wisdom, omniscience, basically, whether they are evil or good. (Remember the “it is not on the test” rule if the following does not make much sense.) That is just not true as a being with infinite wisdom would have its yin and yang in balance, the more eastern thinking as to what constitutes a good being, not an arrogant ass like so many of the nine-tails. Good beings just have to be less destructive and more creative and conserving in a cosmos of increasing entropy. Maybe if they actually do eventually get infinite wisdom, once evil kitsune are just dishing out karmic justice like Chuck Norris. It seems however that the nine tails do no good to human's interlect or ability to percieve colours if they were possesed by a Kitsune (e.g. Naruto, seriously, what sort of ninja wears oranje. Its like screaming "Look at me!!! I've got a bitching gender confused demon in me that may/may not molest me in my mind!")
edit Odd Tail Lights
Sometimes, a bi can get stuck in a house and beat against windows like a confused flying insect. Just grab it and take it outside. It can find its way home. Bi, thought it means fire in Japanese, do not actually get hot unless the kitsune can will it to. They just look really cool with that sparkly, flaming thing going on. Some initiates often spend way too much time just staring into their new bi. "Sparkly, ooh!"
Bi can make any sound imaginable when they are not being creepy quiet and will fly to where their owner wills them. It can be rather pleasant if someone is playing the full orchestral piece they just composed, giving full surround sound from all their bi hovering around the person’s head. Sadly more often kitsune use those abilities to stick bi making rude noises in peoples’ ears. Some suspect this is behind the odd times a person will wake up with a start about the time they drift off to sleep. Kitsune can also pass thoughts to each other when their bi are in contact. It can be the psychic equivalent of playing footsy, quite often resulting in the horrible pun “bi sexual”.
edit Kitsune as Tricksters
Kitsune are tricksters for the most part. In North America fortunately there is Old Man Coyote to be a bad example. Many just sort of watch him and think being a trickster may not be a particularly appealing life style after all. One particular kitsune is his best friend. The Nez Pierce Indians talk a lot about him in Coyote stories. It seems Fox always gives Coyote tactful good advice Coyote ignores and gets into real trouble. Fox has to bring him back to life when he gets killed. What are friends for?
Most being tricksters, many kitsune get killed before they get all their tails. Getting killed is a remarkable “accomplishment” for a being that can do things like grow back a severed arm, missing frontal lobe or kidneys. It is kind of sad. The bi fly around looking for their owner after the kitsune dies before they run out of spiritual energy and fade out or get huffed by demons. It is really nasty when the demons huff still living kitsune souls. The high death rate might be a good thing, otherwise we could be up to our asses in kitsune.
Also, if ever they are caught in a scheme, it's always their dumber accomplice that's to blame. Unless it's a particularly good scheme.
edit Kitsune Vampirism
Kitsune feed on the life force of others. This nasty succubus, incubus vampiric thing is not mentioned very prominently in the recruitment brochures. If they are not thoughtful of their human sexual partner hosts, the kitsune can end up eating the human sexual partner's soul. (Eew!) Human huffing analogous to kitten huffing in other words! Some kitsune are evil icky vores that like to eat souls the way Hannibal Lector would eat human flesh, really messing up the fun and reputations for the rest of the kitsune. Most kitsune would rather not talk about them and avoid the neighborhoods they frequent. Most kitsune try not to suck their spiritual energy sources dry like that. If they do not get enough psychic energy from friends and people they seduce, a kitsune ends up tapping into the life force around them slowly killing all their houseplants and pets, then the draining starts up on the yard, then the neighbor’s yard, the neighbor’s plants and pets, the neighbors, the local ecology, etc. For some reason they stop doing that if they fall in love or have close family or friends.
Hey guys, maybe love is a more powerful energy that taps you directly into higher energies like the Infinite on High? Perhaps that peaceful feeling in holy places is proper spiritual kitsune chow? Just a thought. Someone really should talk to the UU kitsune’s church about the feng shui of the sanctuary.
edit The Good, the Bad, and the Inari, with a Food Tangent
Kitsune are often divided into Inari kitsune or myobu and nogitsune. Myobu are often portrayed as good and nogitsune as potentially evil free agents. Actually myobu tend to be stuck up asses and nogitsune tend to be flaky nutcases that can not make permanent commitments not counting the icky nogitsune that intentionally eat human souls. It is reported that demons that huff myobu souls find them much more “tasty” than nogitsune souls. (Eew!)
Many myobu hang around temples to Inari, the Shinto deity of rice for the offerings of food. This can give them that arrogant sense of entitlement. That and the fact the temple males are often a smashing black and the temple females often stunning white does not help. Of course good kitsune do have to declare they are myobu and behave themselves simply to get respect and the good jobs.
Apparently the first myobu where some kitsune that took sanctuary in one of the temples of Inari while being chased by the mostly male mob of people, many of whom they had seduced, wielding sharp implements and blunt objects. Inari calmed down the mob, enforced the rules of sanctuary on holy ground and promised to make the kitsune behave. Sie then helped them come up with reasonable rules of consenting sapient entities' interspecies sexual conduct. Sie let them hang around as long as they promised to be good, protect hir holy rice from yummy rodents and the truly willing did consensual sexual favors for hir and hir more deserving followers. Sadly, creatures that prefer meat had to develop a taste for temple rice offerings. The little cups of sake are okay though.
Rice is often offered in Inari’s temples along with other foods kitsune are willing to eat. Rice does not have the right ratios of the different amino acids as well as being hopelessly bland. Kitsune are basically meat eaters for God’s sake. They also will eat fried tofu, buckwheat noodles (Soba), and rice with red beans to try to balance the amino acid issue out. Tofu is usually soft and slimy but fried it sort of becomes honorary meat. The sandwiches made with fried tofu at the Moscow Idaho food co-op are rather nice. Many kitsune are also avid mushroom hunters, another source of differing amino acids. North Idaho is a wonderful place to mushroom hunt. There are even matsutake! In North America, they have a fondness for peanut butter. The good kind made only from pulverized peanuts and a bit of salt. The kind that separates and the oil has to be stirred back into it.
Inari is odd, the least of it hir being androgynous. Sie likes to be one, the other or both sexes at once. It is kind of nice meeting someone who understands both sides of gender issues. Inari can also be kitsune and likes to yiff hir myobu. Sie seems to grok the fact sie is just some sort of psychic byproduct of the worship of hir as apposed to an actual deity. Sie does claim to have met the real God who art in Heaven. No, the sad thing with hir is that as Japan gets more and more secular, fewer people believe in hir and so sie is sort of fading away and has moments of bat shit insane dementia. That is kind of scary in a being who still has enough psychic power do serious damage, especially when sie gets to the sacrificial sake before the temple myobu do.
edit Kitsune Androgyny
Some references mention that kitsune are essentially female in nature. Actually, they are just androgynous. Most sexist people simply can not tell the difference between androgyny, being female, and simply being effeminate. Due to the androgyny, many males are gay so there are that many more vixens for the straight todds. Being a breeder’s a fun job but someone has to do it. Actually, that is a rude thing to say. Sorry. (Possible TMI.) Being androgynous kitsune straight sex is more "I’m an inny, you’re an outy, lets play snaps!" than any sort of usual gender interaction. Many kitsune simply like the way complimentary genitals fit together.
Kitsune being able to morph and choose gender combined with hopeless androgyny often change gender or choose to be both at once. This gives them insights beings living in a state of gonochorism might not understand.
Straight kitsune males seem to understand human and kitsune lesbians. Being much like lesbians themselves, their reaction is "I'm basically a lesbian in a male body. I wouldn't want to sleep with me either." (Upcoming possible TMI.) Most male kitsune understand the difference between hot bisexual action and two lesbians wanting some privacy while they yiff. He will feel like a party crasher if he stumbles upon lesbians going at it. He will not expect to join in on or get turned on by the "hot lesbian action" unlike many of the denser male round pupils.
Many kitsune choose to be (Potential TMI ahead!) hermaphrodites. Two herms can yiff each other at the same time. They simply let their members pass ghostlike though their partner until they line up in each other’s vaginas. It is disconcerting at first, but remarkably pleasant sensation (they tell me). If you find that odd, you are just a round pupiled gonochorist who can not comprehend the idea of someone being both genders at the same time; none of this 50/50 BS, but fully both (in the opinion of many kitsune).
edit Finally, an Odd Little Incident
There are a few religions that do not automatically assume someone who is an anthropomorphic fox with powerful psychic abilities is some sort of demon, Unitarian Universalism among them. UUs will ask all sorts of strange, pointed and personal questions in their enthusiasm to find out more though. They seem to be as curious as kitsune themselves.
Often during the week of Coming Out Day, UUs hold a special service given by someone from the gay, lesbian or transgender community, often the minister. UU services usually have a comment period near the end of the service when people can come up and say whatever they feel like, up to and including telling everyone they thought the service was complete and utter nonsense or deconstructing it in terms of Marxist-Feminist theory.
On Coming Out Sunday during the comment period a kitsune went before a UU congregation and announced she had something to share with the congregation and reverted to hir natural form. The poor creature faded from view when the congregation’s atheists did not believe it. Fortunately, enough agnostics were glad to have their child like fancy tickled to help pull hir back from the edge. The neo-pagans, Christians, Buddhists and Jews in the congregation did most of the pulling. The philosopher of theology, Jain, Taoist, Moslem (she figured the kitsune was just some sort of jinn) and two Hindus helped. Of course after nearly vanishing completely because too many people in the church were skeptics, the poor kitsune has to put up with having the nickname Tinker Bell. The kitsune did add a whole new dimension to the usually relatively uneventful Coming Out Sunday! The transgendered lesbian minister was taken aback and is reputed to often talk about that event if the subject of coming out comes up among her fellow ministers. Much of the congregation looks forward to hearing what spiritual insights a kitsune might have if sie gives a sermon. Others are still trying to figure out “how that sleight of hand was pulled off”.