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“Can that mouth swallow anything? Yes, please!”
“This is one soft fucking pillow!”
“I didn't inhale.”
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Kirby () was a morbidly obese, pink fatty and an award-winning singer/songwriter/guitarist who also is a living void. He had an interesting and varied life, and is buried in his Madrid villa. He had the strange ability to inhale things into his mouth. He once was the world champion of Kitten Huffing, but lost his title to Muhammad Ali in 1997.
The Life and Times of Kirby
Contrary to popular belief, Kirby was not a Pokémon. He was born some time in the 1800s, to King Dedede of the planet Popstar, and Meta Knight's younger sister, Veta Night. In a freak birthing accident, Meta Knight's younger sister was inhaled by Kirby, killing her instantly. This is why he is pink when he inhaled(ate)Veta Knight, she had too much make up on. In rage and sorrow, King Dedede picked Kirby up by one flabby arm, swung him around 37 times, and threw him into space. Kirby, however, proved to be immune to space's lack of air, and instead inhaled what was there anyway. When Kirby finally returned, it was apparent that Kirby had not eaten for around 3 years. He began consuming other beings that inhabited Popstar, such as waddle dees, bronto burts, and pretty much everything that he saw. He soon grew an addiction to these creatures, and developed an eating disorder. This is supposedly why Kirby is so fat, and why in most of the Kirby games, each world's name is named after a certain food, for example: Nutty Noon, Candy Constellation, Olive Ocean.
The Beginning of Rock
He shook things up by introducing rock and roll to Popstar, when he found a guitar lying on the side of the road (after having inhaled the person playing it). It almost seemed like Kirby had gained newfound powers the moment he touched the guitar. He soon went on to release his first album, "Dream Land" and went on to release several more albums, with catchy songs like Whispy Woods and Green Greens. Kirby owed much of his career to such alliterations.
Kirby revolutionized guitar playing in 10,000 B.C. with his debut guitar simulator "Kirby's Ultimate Happy Adventures" which was awarded 12 Grammy awards for being so freaking awesome. It was later noted that he inhaled Jennifer Love-Hewitt after receiving the awards from her.
Kirby was now actually in the middle of a lawsuit against Snoop Dogg for copy right infrindgement. As it turns out, the tune to Snoop Dogg's "Drop it Like Its Hot" is identical to Kirby's "Dream Land 64 Mix" song. Upon hearing this, it was immediately uploaded onto the internet. Links have been set up so that every time you watch this video, a small sum of money will be sent to kirby's fight against Snoop Dogg, which continues to this day. Please help support the cause.
Kirby was beginning to be a true pop icon at the height of his roundness, and even the great Mick Jagger claims to be inspired by him. To put his awesomeness in Kirby's own words: "Boing Boing".
The End of Rock
Kirby was arrested twice, once in 1996, and a second time later in 1999, the first time was on allegations of being under the influence of crack-cocaine whilst wearing a top-hat and eating three police officers while refusing to co-operate with police forces, and the second time was playing a quote "really loud rock n' roll" song which killed everybody else in a four-mile radius. Also, to worsen the situation, Kirby had previously released several songs with names such as "Kracko" and "Capsule J." After the decline of his presence in the music industry, he brought out his own biography, the "Harry Potter" series, which was disowned by his loyal fans. In the year 2000, he surprised everybody and pleased many people with his groundbreaking album, "The Crystal Shards." This refreshing and interesting new take on Kirby's style appeared to be his final outing before a breakdown. After a mysterious disappearance since the 2001 9/11 attacks on the Big Ben clock tower in London, Kirby was later thought to be killed. Fans worldwide expressed remorse in the loss, even to the point of teens cutting themselves. Meta Knight took his mask off for the first time in years and got drunk. Unfortunately for Meta kight, this was the perfect chance for the "Boys in Blue" to get him. It took twelve armed men to arrest him.
Kirby proved that the rumors of his demise were unfounded by releasing his latest album, "Nightmare in Dream Land" in 2002, with new tracks like Nig the Nog and Beaner Busting. The new album was wildly popular and reminded people of Kirby's earlier albums, before he got into drugs and 64-bit systems. It seemed as though all Kirby fans praised Kirby's unexpected comeback. Even King Dedede was happy to see his return. However, Meta Knight grew incredibly angry, as he felt he had betrayed himself for showing his face in Kirby's lifetime. He taped his torn mask back together and hid himself from general view, going off to who knows where for a "reflection". Some gossips say that Kirby actually faked his own death as soon as he heard of the terrorist attacks (Source 'Gossip Girl'). The reason was to increase sales, which is a rather desperate move if it proves to be true. Kirby denies it, saying that he was not in public too much as he was vigorously working on his new music.
Revenge of Meta Knight
Within a few weeks of Kirby's reappearence, he was attacked by a sword-wielding silhouette, which was Kirby's faggot brother. Kirby then went into a coma. Everyone who witnessed the attack agreed that the silhouette says that it looked just like Meta Knight. When Meta Knight was brought in for questioning, he denied the accusations.
Despite the fact that the only piece of evidence ever found pointed directly to Meta Knight, authorities were weary in prosecuting him due to several disillusioned teens suiciding in protest, so they let him off the hook. The attack had rendered Kirby in a deep coma that would last several months. During this time, mad scientists from around the world (who happened to be loyal fans of Kirby's works) rallied together and began a secret project to clone Kirby, as they believed the clone would produce music of the same (if not better) quality. Their plan was to pass this clone as the real deal as the original Kirby would be swiftly moved to their headquarters (In Transylvania) in better treatment. However, prototypes had to be created in order to test the reliability of the final product. When Kirby at long last awoke from his coma, the mad scientists quietly abandoned their project since they got what they wanted one way or another. The clones were eager to meet Kirby, so on one fateful day, they followed him to the racing event known as 'Air Ride'. Kirby was surprised at this story, and refused to believe it until Cook Kawasaki, a chef who was hired to prepare food for the gathering of mad scientists, stepped out of the shadows and admitted the truth. He was then eaten by Kirby because he looked like a potato.
Soon after, Kirby formed a band with three of his clones (Red Kirby, Yellow Kirby, and Green Kirby) and released an album called "The Amazing Mirror". Though it was popular, due to disagreements and fights between the band members, eventually ending when Kirby inhaled Red, Yellow, and Green, the band did not last very long. He went on to release a solo album in 2005 called Canvas Curse. It was embraced by some longtime Kirby fans, but not everyone was happy with it. Still, it was given good reviews for its use of revolutionary guitar technology.
A soundtrack releasing in 2005 called "Kirby's Adventure" was rumored to be hitting the markets. However, it had been cancelled when Kirby went into major depression for the poor performance by Canada in the 2004 Olympics. Since then, a revival of the disc was proclaimed to be coming out in 2011. He Is Currently Remixing DJ Tiesto's "Kaleidoscope" with his new set of Turntables and MacBook Pro. It Is Said That The Remix Album Will Be Coming Out Somewhere Around 2015.
Super Smash Bros. Career
One peaceful day, while he was strolling through some fruity rainbow place called Dream Land, Kirby received a very interesting message by the mailman from Zelda. He was invited to fight with Nintendo's greatest heroes and villians! The letter included a plane ticket to Bejiing, and he was off. He finally made his way to the Super Smash tournament, where he preceeded to lose in the first round to Dwight D. Eisenhower (who was subsequently defeated by Captain Falcon, shocking the world over).
The world expected Kirby to place higher in the sequels since Dwight D. Eisenhower had recently retired from the tournament due to an injury to his armpit, but then was defeated Michael Jackson in the final few seconds of the round. Surprisingly, he placed 3rd and 4th in the next two Super Smash Bros. tournaments, respectively (Michael Jackson, not Kirby). Kirby then proceeded to stray away from tournaments, until a new chance appeared, Kitten Huffing!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, he was beaten by Weegee in 2007 which ended his carreer
After Kirby had stopped his band, he settled with the new Mrs. Kirby, got down like jackrabbits and had over one hundred children. However, his wife and kids are very seldom seen. Some say that they, in fact, do not exist. The name "Mrs. Kirby" is also just as uncreative as the alleged "Ms. Pac-Man". Kirby repeatedly assured the media that they are real, just "camera-shy".
After the unimaginative roller coaster that was the "Squeak Squad" album, Kirby went into another depression. He decided it was time for him to leave the world of retards. After months of planning how to die, he decided he would eat until he had explosive diarrhea. He would then decide he would eat New Jersey. After eating the Garbage State, he had a heart attack and was laid to rest in Mushroom Land, whereas Mario ate his liver and then died too from explosive diarrhea.
After Kirby died, of course no one expected him to show up ever again after his week-long television tributes. In 2008, there was a surprise released in the Super Star Ultra album. While fans criticized it for the new material being "un-Kirby like," nevertheless it was still a big hit. This led to rampant rumors that Kirby had once again publicly faked his death, or that one of his clones were taking over his spot. There are even some who believe that Meta Knight dipped himself in pink paint and mimicked Kirby's voice after his death. Meta Knight, who reportedly had a hand in the album (and repeatedly slammed King Dedede in it), officially offers no comment. The album ends with a chilling song called "Marx Soul," which is along the lines of "0" and "Nightmare." It ends with a remixed version of Kirby's infamous death-inducing screech. Those who survived have noted that the production list of Kirby's company also lists a supposedly final new album for release in later 2009, which will apparently consist of unreleased material that was unmarketable in Kirby's lifetime.