Kingskerswell

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edit Location

A Small Village in Devon - Situated just in between the Sanctuary for the misguided of Torquay and the long lost Exeter suburb of Newton Abbot.


edit People

The population of this tranquil village is made up of just over 4,000 people. 97.9% of the population are over 87 years old. The remainder all attend the local nursery, which is housed between a high speed train track and a grave yard. In a recent poll when asked what it was like to live in the village all responses were "You will have to speak up, I am a bit deaf".

It is compulsory for all women in Kingskerswell to wear large brimmed hats decorated with a couple of flowers and the remains of Sundays Lunch. Once a year all ladies get together and parade around in a large white marque, where they engage in a mass game of hide and seek. The local vicar who is often surrounded by these ladies is initially well lubricated and then given just 10 minutes to hide amongst various piles of bric a brac. A large collection of jars are collected and can be seen converted into smoking vessels by the local guide group.

The male population are divided in the village. Those whose partner is a proud owner of a large decorated hat are only allowed to speak on a number of rare occasions these being.

1. When no closer than 7 steps behind there broad brimmed partner. 2. When holding a chocolate biscuit. 3. When distributing buff coloured raffle tickets.


edit Shops

Kingskerswell is crammed full of shops, between numbers 7 and 9 of the main street. Here you can buy anything that a busy village like Kingskerswell needs. The main shop sells small toys for just a few pounds and some home made lemon curd. Finding small toys in lemon curd is a popular past time of young people in Kingskerswell.

Next door to the home made lemon curd shop. There is another fully stock shop. With 5 colours of different wool and free range eggs. Its also a great place to buy tickets to the 6 events that go on each year. Although as of yet no one has yet to venture in the 78 years it has been in existence. It was reported in local records that someone did want to buy the Sofa thats on sale but was put off when told the story of lady grey who frequently adorns the sofa watching everyone that goes passed.

Further up the street. There is a well known chain store which does sell a wide range of groceries and is filled with the most amazing team of staff. You need a mortgage to actually shop there. Many a child can be seen waiting outside just for the chance to watch the unsold food head straight into the skip.

edit Events

Each year there are 6 events that make up the social calendar. These are all run by different committees but all contain the same people. Most are either Women or retired Scout Leaders who still wear there khaki shorts instead of traditional underwear.

In January Kingskerswell Hosts the annual - Cram as much stuff as you can in a hanging basket competition. Here women who did not qualify for the broad rimmed hat parade from the previous year. Spend their time shoving soil and various garden ornaments stolen from neighbouring gardens into wire baskets.

March sees the annual spot the ball competition. Where local members trying to save the sticklebacks hide an invisible ball somewhere around the village. Three prominent male members then try and place 3 crosses around the village, trying to guess where the ball was hidden. Due to health and safety concerns for the last 27 years the ball has always been hidden within the church.

In June the two sexes have their own festival. One Thursday in June the women climb into another white tent waving flags. Whilst the men wait outside drinking small amounts of mild ale, allowing the women to drink large amounts of Asda own brand pimms before passing out in the Church stream. Recently this has had to been drained again because of health and safety concerns. Meanwhile on the Saturday the men invite their other friends and sing songs about Condoms before walking home and dropping their glasses around the village.

At random points through out the year. Another committee decides to have a quiz with most questions based around hats, flowers and Irish Country Music. This is well attended by the Allotment Society nobody knows why. They just seems to like it. Again tickets for this can be purchased from the wool and sofa shop or by ringing the local massage parlour who also sells beer apparently.

August is the highlight of the social calendar when the big white tents comes out again. Children are not encouraged to these events and any that do attend are either placed in a large food blender or stuffed full of candy floss and used for sofa filling.

September sees the annual pat on the back ceremony. Where all the people who belong to the "Committees" get together and say how fantastic they are. They also decide on who want to be on next years committees and spend the evening reciting highlights from previous minutes.

December is a time for children so the village gets together at a time of joy to sing about a 2000 year old child forgetting the ones that are sat next to them. They then have a mini pat on the back party. Just to remind them how great they are. It is traditional to give children who dare to come out at this time a small orange.

edit Places to go

There are just two places to go in Kingskerswell. The Church is the main place sometimes attracting crowds of over 90,000. Where if you are lucky Men from the village are known to hide large amounts of alcohol used during summer events to disguise the smell of polos or werther's original on their breath.

The other place is the slipway by one of the local pubs. People have been known to run down here shouting weeeeeeeeeeee. Although please be aware that if trying this you may have to wait whilst the local running team member makes there way up. SO you might not always get a clear run.


edit Pubs

Kingskerswell has 17 Pubs. 15 pubs often compete for the dirty dish and cutlery award, which has been won by a Pub in Kingskerswell for over 120 years.

The other two pubs are acquainted by one of the UK's most famous sailors, who is pretty harmless. It is also home to the UK's most ambitious female darts team. So far they are trying to beat the local record for the whole team still being able to stand up before they get the first double top.

The other pub constantly has re-runs of Germany's 5-1 defeat to England on loop.

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