Kingdom Hearts III

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Doctor Tim: Sexy, suave, and now....evil?

edit The third kingdom hearts game: not to be known as Kingdom Hearts III

Following the success of the kingdom hearts series and the massive amounts of royalties flowing in from the juggernaut known as the Final Fantasy franchise, Tetsuya Nomura has been announced plans for another Kingdom Hearts game and many many many spin offs to come, one being Ansem the Wise is acually an escaped mental patient, but hey we all saw that coming. The fandom that follows his every word has also realized that by playing the previous game in "kiddie mode" and managing to finish the game by:

  • collecting all the dalmatians
  • finding the secret recipe for sea salt ice cream (a euphemism for cum?)
  • reviving aeris
  • collecting 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 roses
  • finally getting Goofy to kill himself
  • figuring out the plotline
  • passing GO and collect 200 dollars
  • beating the final boss in 10 hours or less
  • Climbing Mt Ordeals and becoming a Paladin by beating Anti-Sora
  • and by obtaining the keyblade made from items so rare they aren't even in the game

they could see a small 1 minute preview of KHIII at the end of the game. Unfortunately this was in Japanese which left the American audience at a loss until someone received a Japanese Pikachu over the GTS who was holding some mail written in both Japanese and English. This letter dubbed the "Rosetta Stationary" was used to decode the kanji allowing Americans to know the following message which the Japanese had known all along: "stooopid americanz KEYBLAZ are BUDDHAZ ;) swordz and keyz yo, unlock the lock of DEATH kachow!" Later smarter gamers found out that by beating the game in "not a pussy mode" you could automatically see the secret ending without going to any great lengths unless you count sitting through the credits. All this and more have made fans waiting at the edge of their seat for a release date to be announced. Unfortunately it doesn't look like it will be finished anytime soon from this recent interview with Nomura:


Buy a PSP...or else?

"Yes I do plan to make another KH game in my lifetime, I mean it's good stuff, look at how much we were able to milk out of Final Fantasy? And of course this game is mine...all mine...every bit of the profits...kukukuku... Ahem, anyway I'm busy now doing Final Fantasy XIII and Final Fantasy XIII-II as well as the DS and cell phone spinoffs...oh and I am designing the hats, it's my latest project so look forward to FFXIII hats near you. Ah, and then there is a plan to introduce an exclusive Final Fantasy game for the PSP. Sony is really trying to get us to do that one, I mean I know they want to find a way to get them to sell, I mean it's the same concept as with FFXIII and the Playstation 3 really...but I'm not sure if I want too...sorry said too much...people wonder where I got my inspiration for the Turks from...*shudders* Anyway, I'm just way to busy for KHIII right now but there are plans for it to be released on the Playstation 3xtr3m3 (or between you and me...if Sony doesn't make it...the Wiiiiiiiii. Oh and I promise it will come out complete with handheld games, a manga series, a small Kingdom Hearts Gameshow and a series of collectible softdrinks. I haven't got around to working out a plot yet, why do you ask? "

edit Plot Speculation

Leaving fans to fend for themselves on the nature of the next game has only led to mass chaos and confusion among gamers worldwide. The shear amount of mind blowing material in the one minute trailer has led to a number of different theories spanning a wide number of themes. However, Hezekiah Merkaba a recent graduate from the college of St. Silver John who upon obtaining his B.A. in both Communications and Economic Studies could not find a job and decided to find for himself what the truth behind the matter was. After hours of intense googling and watching the secret ending on youtube between very nice fan videos of Axel singing "The Sore Feet Song" he finally discover a theory that unified all the fan speculation into what is believed the "true plot" of KHIII. This plot known as the keyblade representation of the mother goddess unification theory has won over all fans and is now the hot topic of all KH fans except for a small group of christian emo vampires who refute this theory on the claim that "you suck, it sucks, and the world sucks" but no one pays attention to them anyway. The keyblade representation of the mother goddess unification theory bases it's main argument on the fact that in the preview there is what appears to be a large number of keyblades stuck into the ground. Previous gamers thought this was just a generic mass slaughteryard of war like in most games. Hezekiah took a different approach: "What if they keyblades where growing?" At first this doesn't seem like much of a statement but if know anything about the current gaming world then you would notice that:

  • The Japanese love crazy games that make no sense which is why the original games did so well.
  • Mundane games are cheap to make and gain large cult followings that make lots of profit.
  • Kingdom Hearts is a crossover game between Disney and Square so they must be looking for another franchise with no problem releasing terrible spin offs.
  • The next game possibly takes place in Universe 2(Or X).

These three observations can only lead to one thing, the reason why KHIII is not just another KH game: HARVEST MOON AND THE KINGDOM OF HEARTS. That's right, this will be a new look on the hack and slash children's game and the farming dating sim. The story possibly starts with an older and much cooler version of Sora being sent to a barren, desolate field where he will need balance tending his seasonal keyblade crops while fighting creepy evil things with no souls or hearts or bodies and stuff while trying to bring back the princess goddess to the world.

edit Pharmaceuticon XIII

But who would the antagonist be? Fan speculation has only been able to come up with one answer: Doctor Tim of previous Harvest Moon fame. And why not? He's cold, distant, a fangirl favorite, plus he's a doctor who overcharges for checkups. Many think Square is trying to make the game deal with real life issues such as the failing health care system and the evilness of the Pharmaceutical industry or "Pharmaceuticon XIII" as the fans now know it as. A possible connection with 9/11 was also considered but the current copyright on the word now owned by a select few politicians and comedians make it almost impossible to the gaming industry to use without shelling out quite a large chunk of their large excesses of cash. AIDS was another possibility but it is on Disney's "list of no-no words" so it is unlikely to appear in the next game as well. Also, doctor uniforms as we all know, look really really cool.

edit Dating

Since Sora is older and more mature and since "bending over backward to get the girl" has always been a big part of Harvest Moon games a courting function is likely. Although many believe this to most likely an unimportant side bit and not an integral part of the gameplay others believe that the girl you marry may be able to join your party, but we all know that would just be too cool and too useful for it to actually happen in a harvest moon game after so many other disappointing marriages. The evil driving force in this game will of course probably have more plot twists than a soap opera. Sora says ahhhhahhhhhohogh yeahh!!!!!!!!!sparks will happen soon in #3.

edit Doctor Tim's level of kickass

While Doctor Tim certainly seems to be the main evil it is unknown to what part he will play exactly. Some believe that he will come to his senses and become good or otherwise just be way too damn evil. Either way he is going to be way too much of an object of fan adoration to get rid of so he is likely to have either a revival like Axel or just be way to damn evil to kill like Sephiroth. Another theory has that he will try to become a god by going to the moon after telling you that all previous religions were just a ruse and that he will now become the only true god, maniacal laughter, and so forth. This of course will likely piss off many religions since this video game must be talking about them. This is also likely to push previously mentioned fangirls to create a religion known as "doctortimism".

It is also thought that a few months after the original release a second game allowing for you to play as the female Kairi will come out in order to get more money from gaming women who originally paid for the first game. Current fan thought believes this game to probably end early due to Kairi falling into a coma, disappearing again, or being made into a puppet of evil through a really evil guy whose superpower is to be able to attach marionette strings to people.

edit Possible Gameplay

Gameplay is likely to consist of repeatedly planting and harvesting keyblades much in the same manner as the last bazillion Harvest Moon games. Moogle helpers may be able to take care of the tedious work while you are out smashing things up with your keyblade however. Battles are likely to be a continuation of the button-mashing-magical-combo-making system as seen in the last games along with basic magic, the waste of space that were the summons, and some sort of limit break that they give a fancy name and make annoying rules for. The possibility of mining for materials in order to use them for item synthesis has already occurred to most fans and that long hours that await us ahead will surely be the cause of many suicides in order to find the ultra-mega-orichalium-and-a-half in to make the Beyond-the-End-and-Over-the-Edge-and-Outside-of-Nirvana keyblade. The RYNO II Keyblade is earnable by getting An OVER 9000% Complete then starting a new game.

edit Mickey-Yoda Theory

Before the keyblade representation of the mother goddess unification theory the Mickey-Yoda Theory was gaining popularity with a small number of fans, hobos, Scientologists and the like. This would include a tie-in with LucasArts to finally solidify the fact that Mickey kicks major ass. However a major flaw in this is that the combination of Lucas and Nomura would create a fanbase so large that it's mass would reach a critical point and implode in on itself creating a major black hole and destroying at least our part of the universe which science has proven beyond a doubt is "the best part of the universe by far due to it's overwhelming concentration of mini Heath bars in the area". (See "Fanbase Implosion Theory" and "mini Heath bars are proof of higher power") Indeed many religions have set aside their differences between themselves and science due to the overwhelming popularity of mini Heath bars among all people except the atheist vampiric emo who do count.

edit Worlds

Worlds most likely to return:

  • Hollow Bastion-which has become a large number of fields and farmlands for some reason.
  • Final Fantasy World-you are paying some good money to see this shit, hopefully no more characters turn out to be blatantly underdressed homosexuals just to please the fandom like the disappointments that were Setzer and Seifer.becuase Black people cant get enough final fantasy, damn you all!!!!!!!
  • Pirates of the Caribbean-The tie-end from the last game that started the Fanbase Implosion Theory and as of now still makes enough money to be included again.
  • Under the Sea-Because they hate us sooooo much they want to make us swim again. Also, it is likely that this will be the only place to obtain thunder gems.
  • Olympus Coliseum-Because it is hell and it has Auron in much more badass can it get? Plus you get to kick Hercule's ass, sweet! Eh, where's my keyblade !
  • Twilight Town- The town that came before that pitful excuse for a movie. "twilight". how gay. you cant even say "twilight thorn" anymore.
  • Halloween Town- Taking money from you Hot Topic bitches since 1993.
  • Project Hollywood- Super secret level that charges $2000 to get into! A mansion in Hollywood that gets invaded by the heartless, and you help the whole PUA community pick up all their women! special quests: lindsay lohan on crack and paris hilton... also on crack
  • Deep Dive Skyscraper-Most likely, the Suicide Attempt will become a big key point in the plot. After your death, you will most likely come back as a heartless(yet again); Probably stuck collect your body parts, and head to the nearest hospital; all in hopes to have yourself reassemble and your bosy fixed. Of course, the main objective of this level is to find kairi(and finding her usually takes up most of the game, as we all now), but that plot may be dropped in hopes for a very dramatic reunion at the hospital where your body may or may not have been put back together correctly(this mostly depends on where Goofy is at the time, and whether or not you can last that long as a heartless... Again). *Spoiler* You come back to find out your body wasn't assembled correctly, so your ass is where your face is meant to be, and then you die in the waiting room- whether this is from the deformity, or the fact that Riku busts through the window like Mr. T and beats the ever-living-hell out of you, has yet to be decided.
  • Song of the South
  • Corey in the House - Wut wut
  • Spider-man
  • Menstruation - Your Precious Gift

edit Possible Generic Enemy Swarms

It is likely that the heartless and nobody's will return along with another annoying monster type that will have some generic name such as "souless" or "nonexistants". Expanding from the success of the last game it is probable that there will exist certain levels where you have to fight off mobs and mobs of them by simply using commands. This will probably be like the last game where although there are many enemies they will be relatively easy to kill but still be time consuming.

edit New Developments for PSP

While Kingdom Hearts III still does not exist new news has come to the attention of the gaming world. Nomura himself has released information on three new Kingdom Hearts games. Of course these games are so new that they aren't even considered to be a part of the series. Indeed according to press reports they are each a whole new series! ...Just with recurring characters from the last games...that fight with keyblades like the last games...and contains Disney intellectual property like the last games...Sora sounds like a girl in the first one because his name means "sky" what the HELL!

It has been reveled that the secret trailer as discussed earlier may of been actually apart of a handheld spin off game for the PSP and not actually a continuation of the series itself. The story is about three outlandish looking young children who wield keyblades and have stupid names that mean shit...just like the last games...except on the PSP. Finally a use for that shiny paper weight, unless you were smart enough to not buy one in the first place, in which case you will be forced to buy one now to find the secret of Kingdom Hearts.

edit Other Handhelds

Games for the DS and for mobile phones also are said to be in progress. However, it seems that recent attacks on anime hosted by Youtube has broken down the fragile truce between America and Japan leading Nomura to release these games in Japan only. Gamers everywhere of course believe this only to be an empty threat and believe that when Nomura feels like it and wants to earn a quick couple hundred thousand million bazillion Yen in order to support his outrageous crack habit he will release the games to the American audience.

edit Criticism

Along with these announcements recent criticisms have been popping up in the blogs of whiners, bitches, and emos alike that maybe Kingdom Hearts has now degenerated to nothing but a quick profit making scheme. Nomura of Final Fantasy fame responded to such comments with simply giving a small speech about how this series is both important to himself and it's loyal fanbase, how he simply wants to see where this series can go, and how he thinks he owes it to the fans to elaborate on the deep and compelling story that is Kingdom Hearts, and how friendship can overcome all obstacles, and that the one true power in this universe is love, and how keyblade or no Sora will always carry a special place in the hearts of the people because of the power of his true feelings, and how if you don't buy the games you will be spurring all things good in this world and therefore you would be supporting terrorists, communists, and hippie hobo scum...and how no one wants that...not even the scummy communist hippie hobo terrorists. Following these announcements all bad comments about Nomura were retracted except by the emo community but no one cares about them anyway. Also Nomura gained 10 points in the popularity polls and may become the next Governor of California. To help show your support for love and all things not terroistic please send check or money order to Tetsuya Nomura at 36 Lost St., City of Numbers, Japan 105997. Or to show support email at What's a PSP?

Official Info Nothing. With Nomura Jacking off tooooooo...etc. much about the money he already made from all the other games and with him being busy making some FF Crap he doesn't have the time, only because he spends his free time Jacking off.

Speculation Revised Sora searches for some dude to give him back his heart but that just means that they'll have sex and this other dude we thought was Xehanort will join them leaving out the first good looking girl in the series because they are all gay.

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