Kingdom Hearts II

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Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that

ROXAS IS SORAS NOBODY, THERE ARE TWO (2) TWILIGHT TOWNS IN GAME, ANSEM IS THE GOOD GUY, AND YOU CANT BEAT SEPHIROTH, CLOUD BEATS HIM!

may follow. Read on at your own discretion.


“DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE LEAD ROLE?”
~ Roxas, on being a plot device.
Axelchibi

The Protagonist

Plot Summary

Set a year after the events of the first Kingdom Hearts, Sora wakes up from a deep sleep. Sora then finds an old "Weirdy Mcbeardy" called Yen Sid, or DISNEY backwards, who gives him some new clothes because his are way too small and totally stupid-looking. They were too small because Sora went through massive puberty; including a hundred wet dreams and the development of a deep man voice. Yen Sid then tells him that he has to stop yet another set of evil buttheads with his huge car keys. Sora then travels around various Disney (Registered TM) worlds and is assisted by various colourful characters including a bipolar duck named Donald and a mutt named Goofy, who all try to find and destroy Organization XIII. In the end, Sora findsRiku and together they defeat the dumbee nothings and skip merrily off into the sunset eventually finding kairi on their home world. After you experience the ending of Kingdom Hearts II, you will feel like going limp because the games' ending is so soft-core it made anyone who played it TEAR THEIR HAIR OUT, BEAT THEIR HEAD INTO A WALL AND WRITE A NOTE SAYING "GODDAMN IT WHY WON'T SORA KISS KAIRI?!" The reason for this being, that Sora was beginning to question who he was as a "person" and was beginning to see his best friend Riku in a whole new light.

Gameplay

The gameplay has drammatically changed since the first game. Now, With a whole SECOND COMMAND MENU!!! For one thing, Haley Joel Osment's voice changed between games.

Drive Gauge

One of the cooler features. This allows Sora to absorb fellow party members, and turn into another form of himself. For some reason, he gets stronger, However suffering from a problem simmiliar to premature ejaculation, he can't keep the forms up for too long before he reverts.

Reaction Command

The power of the almightly triangle button has been increased. If the player manages to press the triangle button at the right time, they can peform attacks that would otherwise be unavailble to them. This includes (but is certainly not limited too) Being able to climb up massive skyscrapers in an attempt to stop another suicide attempt, and, If the player presses the triangle button for the duaration of the game, they will unlock-wait for it-the chance to replay the game!

Magic Abilities

Sora's magic spells from Kingdom Hearts have been modified. MP (Magic Points) are now measured in a rainbow coloured "high" bar and starts at 100, with slight increases after certain story events are completed such as the first time Sora meets his dealer or the time when Kairi gives him magic mushrooms, candy and some white powder. Maybe some crystals too. When MP is depleted, an automatically filling pink bar appears and the character goes through withdrawal symptoms such as believing he has the power to draw magnetic objects close to himself through the force. It's also worth noting that the magic in this game is ENTIRELY USELESS!!!

Mickey's Hepl

In certain battles, if Sora is killed and if Goofy and Donald are dead for the 20th time, there will be a second option called "I Won't Give up" where you get to use King Mickey(Yoda). Mickey has lots of moves up his sleeves(this is because he's mouse Yoda) but is unable to actually kill anyone due to a restraining order from Disney. Once the player has pushed the all mighty Triangle key 42 times, Sora shall be resurrected without the need of a Phoenix Feather.If King Mickey's Health bar drops to zero before that(which happens every f***in' time), then you've pretty much fucked up the rest of the game by killing him.

Medic Please

In this game Sora's great drug abuse in the first games comes back to haunt him as he experiences multiple personality disorder and will in some portions of the game look and act like someone else refusing to believe he is destined to defeat the 13 hairdressers and open the door to the unisex hair saloon and will instead force the player to go about mundane activities like delivering mail to birds.

Settings

Among worlds visited in the game are;

  • Nazi Germany
  • Lower East Side
  • Magic Mountain, from Puff the Magic Dragon
  • The Arch window
  • The Round window
  • The Square window
  • The Door
  • The Cupboard UNDER the stairs
  • Your mom
  • Stifler's mom
  • Band Camp
  • Shroomville
  • Walmart
  • Britney Spears' Head
  • Neverland Ranch
  • The 60's
  • The 70's
  • The 80's
  • The Mushroom Kingdom
  • Sora's Butt
  • Mirrodon
  • Poland
  • Paris Hilton's house

Plus return to:

  • Castle Oblivion - A central American private school whose alumini includes a sexually confused boy, a freak, a fuck and 13 nobodies. Now THAT's sounds like a good school.
  • Traverse Town - For all your homeless needs.
  • Germany - meet the popuklace who are 10% angrier then in any other world
  • Hollow Bastion - same as last time except the castle is in ruins cos Leon and Aerith got pissed and had a fight, and heartless habitually view the world as a giant litterbox (if you were wondering what they meant by 'cleaning up Hollow Bastion'). It is also known as Poland as you get to be a builder while you're there.
  • 100 Acre 'Hood - Gang area. Winnie the Pimp and his homies chill there.

The World That Never More Than Once - When Sora finally up and killed himself as a result of his knob-ass existance, his inner knickerbocker torment and sexual transgressions fused with a large bowl of porridge to form massive city, home to Marvin the Martian. Other notable residents include Hayden Pantierre (who owns a penthouse at the House of Fuggery), Hayley Joel Osment (exporter of generic anime poses, jailed for feather faggotry) and Jesse McCartney (who?)

Crazyfatkid

One of the slightly harder bosses in the game, other than Sephiroth. Although he isn't fat, so he isn't as funny.

Enemies

Shadow's Victory Dance

The Shadow's Victory Dance.

The main enemies Sora faces are:

  • Heartless - these yellow-eyed, stumpy fuckers are reputed to be Tom Cruise in disguise for the fact that they are small and try to fuck Sora (as he bears an uncanny resemblance to Katie Holmes). Almost all Heartless are keen advocates of cosplay, and in the game A Sore, Fucking Retard, and Donald (that's a shit enough name) will encounter Aerith Heartless, Chuck Norris Heartless, Adol Hitler Heartless (able to make almost anyone die just by eating lots of liquorsquish) and Yu-Gi-Oh. The most powerful of all Heartless is a Sephrioth cosplay reject in shit latex pants who spent too much time on the tanning bed, and as a result looks like a cross between a West Side pimp and my old gym teacher.
  • Nobodies - ripoffs of Nobody. They are just Heartless who give full vent to their satin-laced kitchen sink tendencies and time-paradox fetishes by dressing up in silver latex jumpsuits, moving around like Mick Jagger and stealing pictures of boys with wank hair to wank over them wankerishly. Thankfully, a certain porcupine headed boy with a certain suggestive, mouth-watering 'weapon' can defeat them.
  • Sexless - don't worry, they'll appear in Kingdom Hearts III. What are the Sexless, you may wonder? Well, stifled by KH's Disney Trappings, the sexual frustrations of nearly everything in the universe manifested themselves as these grotesque yet oddly familiar beings. What do they look like? Well, take a large bowl of potato soup and dump it over Angelina Jolie: give it at least four days for the mixture to harden. Surgically attatch a pair of magic stilletos (preferably gold in colour) to her, slick back her hair with a large vat of testicular bodily fluid. Wrap a ten ton purple octopus around the whole thing and you have...Angelina Jolie? WTF!

Bosses

There are a hell of a lotta bosses in this game, so here's a few of the main ones:

  • Organization XIII - Also known as the other thirteen Men in Black. Only the last few members are facede because the rest of them were raped by Riku previously. However, the remaining few are annoying and all are poofy, so watch out.
  • Sephiroth - This crazy hair punk-rocker make a return, with his massive fuck-off sword and annoyingly long hairstyle. Run and hide, asshole.
  • Chuck Norris - The ultra-super-mega-secret boss of the game. He's unbeatable, but nobody has realized that yet.
  • Hider Mushroom - The token third-party in any and every game. He's not fun enough.
  • David Hasselhoff - After defeating Mansex, the player is giving the option to fight him. His moves include motorized legs, expanding chest bones, and Your Mom.
  • Mansex - The final boss off the game, using his homoabilities.
  • Pence - Makes Sephiroth look like shit, in terms of power. Once again, run and hide, asshole.
  • Selphie - Selphie hears rumors of a relationship between Sora and Kairi (her love interest), although this rumor is only partly true. Her weapons include her giant-ass flame thrower, her heat-vision eyes, and the wooden stick thing Tidus fights with in the first Kingdom Hearts. The reason she doesn't use her jumprope is because she brought it to a sleepover at Kairi's house one night and it broke for reasons you can probably guess.

Reception

During the first second of availibility in japan, Kingdom Hearts II sold 727,591 (X1) copies, Which was considered a great achievement considering Square Enix forgot to ship the covers with the discs. No refunds where given. However they did make it upto the now hurt Japanese RPG'ers by re-releasing the game with the discs, Causing everyone to pay 99.95 Munnies, again. After much raving and ranting from the vicious and now hostile fanboys, Kingdom Hearts II was released in North America a Year later, And the people of North America confined themselves in solitude to play. After a confusing 2 months, People started to come out of solitude. Europe doesn't have electricity.

Unfortunatley, a group of cosplaying fanboys went missing on there way to the cosplaying party of the year, and when there dead bodies where found by the search party of a missing search party of the fanboys, Police stated that they had all been cosplaying as Sora, when a massive outbreak had happened on the subject of whether or not it was possible to complete the game in the time it takes to complete the tutorial on your first playthrough (2-3 hours.) When suddenly a cosplayer whipped out his 'Keyblade' and tried to 'Seal' an oncoming female pedestrian. This proved dangerous as the female was actually someone who had completed the game on Proud Mode, and was level 99.

KH2 was also awarded 'Most Shiny Cover' and the coveted 'Has more Yaio then Hentai and/or Yuri' award. When it was considered a candidate for 'Best RPG on the PS2 thats not a Final Fantasy game directly' award, the panel went missing during testing the game. It was speculated they went missing at about the point in the game where you select 'New Game', which had proven to be the hardest part of the game by the unsuspecting masses.

Square Enix also cashed into the Japanese fanbase again by re-re releasing the game as a 'Final Mix'. This Final Mix included Pot,Crack,Ice,Speed and the worst of them all, Panadol Rapid. It was estimated that Japan's Population will never get over the brutal and swift attack Square Enix has brought upon the fanboys.

The Real Reasons for KH2

It's really a big scheme by Square Enix to secretly bring forth that people who are Light (White) can overcome the Darkness in other people (Black.) A sequel would have never been created if it wasn't for the millions of crazy fangirls who get their parents to spend a million dollars on every piece of Kingdom Hearts merchandise. KH2 made parent's lives worse because of the new existance of Axel and Roxas - whom spawned a fanfiction breakthrough where millions of horny teenage girls sat in their basements writing and reading boylove sex fics where the two are mushy, gushy, fluffy, sappy, rapist freaks that are all over each other, the worst of these written by authors like kurosora1984, His Last Walk, City Girl Dreamer, Rose Riku, and Naive-Symphony - who all should be smacked in the head for not realizing that they're wasting their time writing sappy love stories about fictional video game character BOYS with a pedophillic relationship. But hey, Disney loves fanfiction writers - they're the ones who spend the most money on their half-assed games.

See also

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