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Act I, scene i
Gloucester: I wonder who Lear will give his kingdom to. By the way, this is my stupid bastard son.
Lear: I am going to split my kingdom in three so I can live more easily.
Goneril: I love you a lot.
Regan: I love you more.
Lear: Yay, my kids love me... (to Cordelia) What about you?
Cordelia: I cannot say how much I love you.
Lear: Fuck off, then.
Kent: Calm down, you're being unreasonable.
Lear: You can fuck off too.
Burgundy: Wait, I don't want to marry Cordelia now. I won't get any money.
France: I'll take as many chicks as I can find. I am French, after all.
Exit all but Goneril and Regan
Goneril: Lear is a tool.
Regan: Let's screw him over.
Act I, scene ii
Edmund: I hate my brother. Hmm... I know, I'll tell my dad that he's trying to overthrow him!
Gloucester: I believe you. I will kill Edgar.
Edmund: Dad is trying to kill you, run away!
Edgar: Gosh, Dad is starting to be a bit of a turd lately.
Act I, scene iii
Goneril: Oswald, piss off Lear.
Act I, scene iv
Kent: I will disguise myself.
Kent: Lear I want to serve you. (trips Oswald)
Lear: You're awesome!
Fool: Hey Lear, you're an idiot.
Lear: Come say that to my face.
Goneril: Yo Dad, I'm taking some of your knights back.
Lear: Screw you, I'm off to Regan's.
Act I, scene v
Fool: Lear, you're still an idiot.
Lear: Shut up.
Act II, scene i
Edmund: Run Edgar. (cuts himself) Dad, Edgar tried to kill me!
Gloucester: I believe you. Edgar must die!
Act II, scene ii
Kent: Oswald, you are a massive cunt. (beats him)
Regan: Kent, what the hell?
Kent: Uh, oh.
Act II, scene iii
Edgar: That's it, I'm getting naked and changing my name to Tom. (strips) Alright!
Act II, scene iv
Lear: I am angry. No I am not. Yes I am.
Regan and Goneril (together): Now you can't have any knights.
Act III, scene i
Kent: Lear is in a storm... Shit!
Act III, scene ii
Lear: I hate you, rain! I hate you so much that I hate my daughters. Do your worst.
Fool: Go indoors.
Act III, scene iii
Gloucester: French people are coming to kill us. Oh yeah, and I'm going to look for Lear.
Edmund: I'm telling.
Act III, scene iv
Lear: My daughters are bitches.
Edgar: I'm Tom.
Lear: Hey, you're pretty cool.
Gloucester: Lear, come with me.
Lear: Only if we get to bring the naked guy.
Act III, scene v
Endmund: Gloucester is Frenchie.
Cornwall: Let's get him.
Endund: Oh, my poor father. How could you do such a thing? (aside) Sucker!
Act III, scene vi
Lear: Let's all act like crazy people.
Lear: I sentence you all to eat my boogers! Take that, you sucky daughters!
Edgar: And I thought I was a weirdo.
Act III, scene vii
Regan: Take that!
Gloucester: Stop that. Ow ow ow!
Servant: Hey, you meanie!
Gloucester: I'm blind, you monster.
Regan: No one cares. Now, go smell your way to Dover.
Gloucester: Oh, good comeback.
Act IV, scene i
Edgar: I will lead you to Dover.
Gloucester: Naw, just take me to a giant cliff.
Edgar: Yeah, that makes more sense.
Act IV, scene ii
Goneril: I want you Edmund.
Edmund: Ew, no.
Albany: You're a horrible person.
Goneril: You're a coward.
Albany: I know you are, but what am I.
Messanger: Cornwall is dead.
Act IV, scene iii
Gentleman: Cordelia's sad.
Kent: Lear is a whackjob.
Act IV, scene iv
Cordelia: (to soldiers) Find Lear.
Doctor: Oh, he's probably hiding in a cornfield like a crazy person. We should give him drugs.
Messenger: The British are coming! The British are coming!
Cordelia: Let's kill the English!
Act IV, scene v
Regan: I want Edmund in my pants.
Act IV, scene vi
Gloucester: I'm gonna kill myself. (falls down)
Edgar: You survived. What a miracle! The gods must love you.
Lear: Me like flowers! Fie, fie, fie! pah! pah!
Oswald: I'm gonna kill you, Gloucester!
Edgar: Oh no, you don't.
Oswald: I'm dead.
Act IV, scene vii
Cordelia: Oh, my father.
Act V, scene i
Regan: Edmund, you're hot. Sleep with me.
Goneril: No, sleep with me.
Edgar: Psst, Albany. Everyone wants to kill you.
Albany: Well, this sucks.
Exit everyone except Edmund
Edmund: All the ladies love me... I'm so cool.
Act V, scene ii
Everyone fights. The French lose (what a surprise).
Act V, scene iii
Lear: We've been arrested.
|The complete works of William Shakespeare|
|Tragedies:||Antony and Cleopatra | Coriolanus | Hamlet | Julius Caesar | King Lear | Macbeth | Othello | Romeo and Juliet | Timon of Athens | Titus Androgynous | Titus Andronicus | Troilus and Cressida|
|Comedies:||A Midsummer Night's Dream | All's Well That Ends Well | As You Like It | The Comedy of Errors | Cymbeline | Love's Labour's Lost | Measure for Measure | The Merchant of Venice | The Merry Wives of Windsor | Much Ado About Nothing | Pericles, Prince of Tyre | Taming of the Shrew | The Tempest | Twelfth Night | The Two Gentlemen of Verona | The Two Noble Kinsmen | The Winter's Tale|
|Histories:||King John | Richard I | Richard II | Henry IV, Part 1 | Henry IV, Part 2 | Henry V | Henry VI, part 1 | Henry VI, part 2 | Henry VI, part 3 | Henry VIII | Richard III | Richard IV | Richard V | Richard VI | Richard VII | Richard VIII | Richard IX | Richard X|
|Poems and Sonnets:||Venus and Adonis | The Rape of Lucrece | The Passionate Pilgrim | The Phoenix and the Turtle | A Lover's Complaint | Sonnet 18|