King John Harkinian

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Bloink1 solid
This article has too much listiness.
While it would be great for someone with ADD, most people would be just fine if you turned those lists into paragraphs. If this page is not fixed in 30 days, it may become a candidate for deletion.

King John Harkinian (b. January 2, 1955, age 58) is a fat, hairy, but jolly king. He rules all of Hyrule, including its five regions. He is also a famous character on "YouTube Poop."

edit Appearance

In the Phillips Cd-I games and most YouTube Poops, he has blonde hair and a beard with a moustache. He also wears a yellow-orange robe and wears a small star on his crown. In the TV Show, he wears a red robe with a blue undershirt and has white hair, and has some sort of star or something on his crown instead.

edit Personality

The King seems to be very hot-headed and eccentric. He has obsessions with many things, especially dinner and scrubbing. He sometimes will repeat things over and over so Link will hear him, and has a severe case of pedophilism, alchoholism, and gluttonism.

edit Life

King Harkinian was born to Clythia and Leonard Harkinian on January 2, 1955. He is the oldest of their eight children. Anyway, he didn't learn to walk until he was six, and couldn't speak until he was 11 (explaining why he keeps saying "for" a lot to this day). After that, his teachers were bribed into moving him from nursery school all the way to 3rd grade. However, his father was exiled for bribing teachers to allow an "imbecilic eggface" to reach the 10th grade.
The King
The King and his Boi Joining Ganon.


From age 12 until 19, he lived with his mother, the Queen of Hyrule. He was fed to much breakfast, which disgusted him, and he ended up being overfed dinner, too. His mother died of a heart attack in 1970.

Forced to live on their own, John raised his siblings and did some self-discipline, such as not eating lunch ever again and telling people to attack him. By the age of 25, he was a ready king.

As he became King, he married Telda Schrob, the daughter of Impa Schrob. He then began to issue laws saying that anyone who refused their kids the right of eating dinner would be imprisoned. He also issued Dr. Robotnik Act, or the Peaces Is Not Greatly Angering Sirs Act, meaning that a special Parliament prevented unreasonable war declarations.

At age 35, Telda announced she had a child, and she was named Zelda, after her mother's planned name. He wasn't exactly a doting father; he'd often throw Triforces of Courage and attacked her whenever she expressed her freedom of speech. This was around the time King Harkinian was becoming a drunkard, so Telda hired a babysitter, her mother Impa, to aid her. She was a much more doting mother.

In 1991, he hired Link to attack Ganon. Two years later, he got his revenge by capturing the King and Link. Zelda defeated him, however, and the King's way of thinking changed forever.

Soon after, he ran for president of the United States, but lost to Bill Clinton, probably because of the King's lack of experience and his plans to move the capital to Flagstaff, Arizona (which is much like his home city). Defeated, he went to Hyrule and started KingPictures Co. This is the predecessor to modern YouTube Poop.

In 2005, YouTube bought KingPictures Co., meaning he began to appear in YouTube Poop. By now, he earns over 9,000 Hyrule dollars a week, or just over 1,280 a day and over 50 an hour. He also likes sports and doesn't care who knows.

edit Favorites

Boi: Link

Gorl: Zelda

Dinner: Onions (explaining his bad breath)

Game: I.M. Meen Wii U Even when he's 59

edit Sexual Orientation

The King is mostly straight, even showing signs of pedophilism on Zelda. He's sometimes gay, kissing Link or Gwonam. Sometimes he will even be attracted to hermaphrodites. He is basically bisexual, but recently he's had sexual orientation towards computers and animals.

edit Age

Some are not certain of his age, but many agree he is in his 50's or 60's. He celebrated his 54th birthday on January 2, 2009, so his age was confirmed for the first time.

edit Sanity Issues

King Harkinian is known to be mentally unstable, and certain things like bricks or refridgerators will make him lose his sanity or even his ability to think or speak. He also has alchoholism.

edit Family

Main Article: Harkinian Family

The king has four brothers and three sisters. His mother is dead, and so is his father. He is a bachelor (or widow?) since his wife died, too. He has a daughter, Zelda.

edit Atheism

King Harkinian is a devout atheist ("Link is under attack by the evil forces of God") but tends to celebrate Christian traditions like Christmas and uses the Christian calendar.

edit Occupation

The king has a variety of jobs other than just being a king. He was also a warrior, spokesperson for the War on Lunch, creater and CEO of King Harkinian Cereal Co., and has been a policemen. Sometimes he is unemployed, and other times he is a time traveler. He is also a lawyer, a writer, an inventor, and is part of a group that works to make warriors strive for peace. He is also a shoe saleman, a mustard tester, and a drink tester. For two months, he was also president of the United States of America.

edit Aliases

edit Illegal Actions

The King has been commiting crimes repeatedly. In 2008, he ended up littering his TV, running over Waldo in a street race, drunk driving, and insulting a police officer to his face. He also stole rupees, porn, dinner, and cakes. He is also former a Justin Bieber fan, meaning that if we still was, he would be fed nothing but magic balloons for the rest of his life. He also has tried to hit on Zelda and drug her (while she was a minor).

edit Death and Afterlife

See King Harkinian's Death and The King's Ghost for more information.

In 2015, in an act of treason, Fari attacked him with a knife. He died, and haunted Hyrule Castle for about 580 years until he got bored, and decided to inhabit the body of Jake the Dog. When Jake died, too, he went to reinhabit his old body which was preserved but he died in 2808. The ghost haunted Coney Island until it was destroyed in 3011.

edit Hobbies

The King has lots of hobbies, including, of course, eating dinner. He sometimes likes attacking people, and listens/dances to music, especially disco. He also likes reading, but it is mostly newspapers and brochures that he likes to read, not William Shakespeare or Writewell. He sometimes likes playing the Wii, but his keeps malfunctioning. Sometimes he looks to his friends like Gwonam or Stan Smith to entertain him.

edit Trivia

  • He drinks diarrhea.
  • His favorite color is light orange-ochre.
  • He tends to get drowsy when eating faeces.
    President Harkinian
    John as the 43rd president.
  • One of his kidneys is smaller than the other, explaining his frequent urination problems.
  • He tends to attack Link and Zelda a lot.
  • He likes getting massages from Gwonam.
  • His favorite TV show is Scrubs, his favorite TV character is Kenny McCormick, and his favorite band is KISS.
  • Between 1990 and 1992, he actually aged backwards. This is due to serious exposure to anti-uctions.
  • He marketed Munf Munf until it was declared illegal.
  • He once actually got mumps from Munf Munf.
  • If combined with a Dinner Blaster or a Dinner Blaster v2, he becomes very powerful.
  • He once oah'd Duke Onkled.
  • He has a serious obsession with cereal and spider meat.
  • He once accidentally attacked Barack Obama.
  • He can swim for months without stopping.
  • He sometimes peeps into Princess Toadstool's door to see what she's doing. This is a very anti-uctiony thing to do.
  • He hates meme replacement.
  • He got tired of Mah Boi and dinner a long time ago.
  • He has a wheat allergy, yet he eats a lot of wheaty things like dough and toast.
  • He likes passing gas.
  • He eats chocolate egg, but when Link ate his egg, he imprisoned him.
  • He has traveled into the future, the past, the 5th dimension, Hell, heaven, and the Earth.
  • He eats a lot of antacids to explode his anus.
  • He rubs his butt on the floor like a dog.
  • He kisses dogs.
  • He hates Bill Clinton for winning his election.
  • He often watches porn whenver he's on a computer.
  • He has AIDS, but the HIV is dead, meaning his blood is a cure for AIDS.
  • He has the power to shoot energy balls out of his hands.
  • He can see the second dimension of time.
  • He will be killed by Fari in 2015.
  • He licks people who hate him. It would be cool if he were a dog or a cat, but this is just disgusting!
  • Do not eat his dinner. He will kill you if you do. Sometimes he will eat your gonads if you do.
  • If he eats Reece's Pieces, he will go crazy.
  • He has made multiple attempts to create and capitalize from cereal, but most have failed.
  • He seems to have made an enemy with Mario Head.
  • Gnorris once gave him AIDS.
  • He once thought he was Billy Mays.
  • If you make him really angry, he will pull out his Penis Dinner Blaster and attack everyone in the room.
  • He starred in every YouTube Poop video game to date.
  • He is very conflicted on whether or not he likes his boy.
  • He once grew so huge he ended up eating Link.
  • He has been repeatedly killed, but he kept escaping the pit to come back to life.
  • He once had a gay affair with Link.
  • He is a Brony.
  • He got trapped in I.M. Meen's book, in which he met a fairy and ate it.
  • He has constant arguments with Mario characters.
  • He created the role-playing game "Morshu" starring Morshu.

edit Quotes

Personal tools
projects