King Jeremy the Wicked

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King Jeremy the Wicked of Prussia at the height of his reign.

Jeremy the Wicked was a ruthless King of Prussia in the early 19th Century. He is remembered for both his cruel and violent mannerisms and his many reforms that helped bring Prussia into the modern era.

edit Childhood

Young Jeremy Edward von Vedder was born to his aristocratic mommy and daddy in a small castle in the Black Forest of western Prussia in 1783. He didn't play well with others. Instead, he spent his days at home drawing pictures of mountain tops with him on top. Servants and caretakers reported that young Jeremy's mother didn't care about him, and that his daddy didn't give attention. When asked about King Jeremy many years later, one man who had been a servant boy at the castle at the time was quoted as saying, "Clearly I remember pickin' on the boy. Seemed a harmless little fuck." Young Jeremy was intellectually curious, however, and his teachers reported that he regularly spoke in class.

edit Rise to Power

Battle of Koniggratz by Georg Bleibtreu

King Jeremy's Army Reserve evicts the forces of Napoleon at the Battle of Severed Hand (artist's rendition circa 1880).

In 1803, Jeremy von Vedder was a 20-year old aristocrat. Mommy and daddy had died of the Spin the Black Circle Plague and he was now the holder of the small castle. With the legitimate King of Prussia, Eddie Van Halen, distracted by the Napoleonic Wars, Jeremy seized the day. The death of his parents and the invasion of Napoleon Bonaparte had unleashed a lion, and Jeremy gnashed his teeth. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth throughout Europe as Jeremy raised an army, deposed Van Halen, expelled Napoleon, and bit into the very breast of lady Europe. By 1805, Jeremy was crowned King and Noble Protector of Prussia, as well as Duke of Lithuania and Count of the lesser Antilles. The coronation was a splendid affair, with Jeremy standing on a mountain top, arms raised in a "V," while Pope Urbane MCCXIIVI laid the crown on his brow.

edit Consolidation of Power

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King Jeremy's mountaintop castle. Pools of maroon blood lie just below.

King Jeremy understood statecraft and realized that his work could quickly be undone. He therefore began systematic purges of all those who might be considered loyal to the old regime of Van Halen, or to the ideals of Napoleon. Jeremy instituted a new legal system more akin to martial law than civil law. Using a system of "street judges," he employed officers who would patrol their given areas with the power to investigate crime, arrest offenders, and execute them on the spot. The street judges were literally judge, jury, and executioner under King Jeremy. The highest performing street judge, Judge Dredd, became King Jeremy's top adviser and Royal Vizier. The system, however, was brutal: by 1807, the dead lay in pools of maroon blood at the bottom of Prussian mountains.

edit Rebellions and International Conflict

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Jeremy really let himself go later on in his reign.

By 1808, King Jeremy had gained the moniker of "the Wicked" as a result of his ruthless consolidation of power. He was forced to read his people the Riot Act when they rose up against his violent ways and the arbitrary "justice" of the Street Judges. He also seemed to go at least partially mad. His behavior included biting women on the breasts and wearing the flag of the fledgling United States while prancing through burning forests at night. This latter behavior led to a war with the United States, in which the USA sent its Navy frigate Constitution into the Baltic sea and bombarded Prussia's coast. King Jeremy the Wicked got the message and stopped wearing the flag-cape.

edit Reforms and Legacy

By 1815, King Jeremy the Wicked became concerned about the legacy he would leave. He knew he would not rule forever and he wanted to have a lasting impact on Prussia. One thing he did was to empower his female subjects with his "Don't call me Daughter" campaign. Girls were shown from an early age that they could do anything men could do, and sons lost their status as favored children in Prussian households. Daughters gained the right to inherit equally with sons, for example, and also gained the right to own property. This change went down in history as one of Jeremy's famous "Prussian Reversals."

King Jeremy the Wicked also began to institute widespread educational reforms. He set up a public school system and made school attendance compulsory through grade 4. By doing so, he ensured that he would not be erased from the blackboard of history.

edit Death

In 1818, King Jeremy the Wicked was on his estate hunting grues from horseback when a terrible accident occurred. A grue spooked the King's horse and he was thrown to the ground by surprise to the left. His jaw was torn wide open and it hurt so much that King Jeremy the Wicked died instantly of the pain.

Preceded by:
Eddie Van Halen
King of Prussia
1805-1818
Succeeded by:
Fredrick of Hollywood

edit See Also

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