King Harkinian
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“I wonder what's for dinner”
~ King Harkinian on the meaning of life
“He was my prisoner.”
~ Ganonon King Harkinian
“That old Gannon is no match for the King!”
~ Link on King Harkinian's Dinner Blaster
“Mah Boi, this piece of shit is what all true Warriors strive FOR!”
~ King Harkinian on His favorite word
“He's not the king. I am the king.”
~ King Dedede on King Harkinian
“Fuck you.”
~ the Nerd Community on King Harkinian
King Harkinian Hyrule otherwise simply known as The King is the obese, unintelligent, but lovable ruler of Hyrule. Although he starred in two obscure CD-i games, The Legend Of Zelda: The Faces of Evil and The Wand of Gamelon, He is chiefly known for his appearances in thousands of YouTube Poops.
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[edit] Personality
King Harkinian is a rather jolly, yet gluttonous and incompetent ruler of Hyrule. Renowned for his great obesity and simple mind, he is widely regarded as the least inspiring video game character ever. His hobbies include getting drunk on wine and various other alcoholic beverages, eating dinner, forcing his enemies to scrub all the floors in Hyrule, pondering what's for dinner, saying "Mah Boi", and eating dinner. Despite his jolly and gluttonous demeanor, the king is noted for having some courage. Unfortunately, having no magical powers or combat skills, and being a middle aged lard-arse, this only results in him being defeated or captured by his enemies. On a related note, the king is also rather fond of dinner and spends countless hours feasting on alongside his loyal subjects.
[edit] Early Life
The eldest and portliest son of the mighty Burger King, his father attempted to give King Harkinian a proper education, enrolling him in expensive private schools. However, the king benefited little from this, receiving very poor grades and spending his time drinking, partying, fornicating, and wondering what's for dinner. Despite his lack of ambition and intelligence, the king did manage to graduate, most likely because of his father's "gifts" to the school.
Born with a rare disease known as "Bearded Baby Syndrome" (BBS), Harkinian was often looked at with scorn. Instead of joyous cries of, "What an adorable baby!" the Burger King received remarks such as, "Could you shave your baby, please?" and "Wow, I bet when he grows up he'll be fat and wonder what's for dinner all the time." about his first born son. This disease eventually led into the King having a rough teenage life, and eventually forced him into having plastic surgery later in life.King Harkinian was also african american.However,he had the disease michael jackson had which was vitiligo which made his skin turn white.He was black to about age 16.After that he started getting white patches on his face.At about 19 he just got treatment to make all of his skin white instead of having the white patches.
As a child, the king was quite effeminate, preferring to play with girls and do such girlie actives as jumping rope, playing with barbie dolls, wearing dresses, going shopping, painting fingernails, and wondering what's for dinner. This obviously displeased Harkinian's father, the Burger King, who attempted to make his son more manly by exposing him to more masculine recreations and "beating teh ghey" out of him. This proved successful, and by the king's teenage years, Harkinian became a noted womanizer, having several mistresses.
[edit] Rebellion
Under the Burger King reign, Hyrule was quite prosperous, but the people grew displeased with many of the Burger King's autocratic laws. The Burger King had outlawed all fast food restaurants beside the Burger King, and heavily regulated sit down restaurants and food stands to protect the royal monopoly on fast food. Additionally, the Burger King outlawed any attempt at unionization in his restaurants, on the grounds that it was a government enterprise.
The last straw came when the Burger King instituted conscription for his restaurants, to deal with a labor shortage and keep wages down. Naturally, the time was ripe for Harkinian to lead a rebellion against his father. However, he was too busy feasting and fornicating to realize or care. Despite, or perhaps, because of his utter incompetence and complete indifference to the welfare of the kingdom, the rebel leaders offered Harkinian the crown if he supported the rebellion.
Initially, Harkinian was hesitant to rebel against his father. To incite Harkinian, the rebels introduced him to McDonald's, KFC, Wendy's, and other outlawed fast foods. The young prince Harkinian became addicted, and joined the rebels.
After several years of civil war, the rebels proved successful, and the Burger King fled the country. His despotic laws were repealed, and new fast food restaurants appeared in every city, much to the new King's pleasure.
[edit] The Invasion of Koridai
While King Harkinian was in his throne room drinking wine, as usual, Link made a rarther strange comment about being "bored" with the peace in Hyrule following his countless beat downs of Hyrule's nemesis Ganon. The King replied that this peace is "what all true warriors strive for". What warriors the king referred to, nobody knows nor really cares. At that moment, Gwomam (or has he better known by his hundreds of fans, "Squad-Allah!") arrived on his magic carpet (which is every Arab's choice of transportation) and informed that Ganon had seized the island of Koridai.
The King, being the ruler over Koridai, believed that for some unknown reason, it was his responsibility to liberate Koridai. Being perplexed by this issued, the King asked how he could help. Gwomam informed him that only Link could defeat Ganon, which was fortunate as the King was planning on sending an "army" and a "navy" to reconquer the island. Fortunately, Gwomam banished such foolish thoughts from the King's mind.And thus, Link was off on his magical adventure to save Hyrule. The king decided to stay at home and ponder such deep philosophical questions as "what's for dinner."
[edit] The Rebellion of Duke Onkled
After Link single-handed defeated the army of Gannon, Harkinian received a distress signal from his apparently richer and much less obese cousin Duke Onkled whose island was under attack by the evil forces of Ganon. Getting off his lazy ass for once, Harkinian decided to go aid his cousin. Zelda questioned his actions, but the King claimed he would take the Triforce of Dinner to protect him. Impa also assured Zelda the fat oaf will return. Before setting off on his adventure, the king asked whot was for dinner. He spent the rest of the night stuffing his face with various items, like every other night.
And so, the king left for Gamelon in the morning. Unfortunately, a month parssed and the others are rarther surprised the king has not reeturned. Zelda was worried, but Link assures her that, "that old Ganon is no match for the king." (This was complete bullsh*t.) Zelda then sent Link to find her farther, but was shocked when even Link doesn't return, so she set off to find her obese father and effeminate boyfriend herself.
In the end, the king was rescued thanks to the efforts of his loyal subject Farri (the residing mexican), and the treasonous Duke Onkled was brought to justice. Onkled begged for mercy ,and much to his surprise, Harkinian merely forced him to scrub all the floors in Hyrule (unlike sentencing him to a slow and excruciating execution, as other kings would do). Link then somehow was released from a mirror and arrived just in time for him to join the king is his hourly feast.
[edit] Sith Lord
After the defeat of Duke Onkled, the King began to be attracted by power of the Dark Side. Eventually, Darth Meesa chose the King as his apprentice, giving the King the title of Darth Gluttonous, and trained him in the ways of the dark side. Eventually, the King grew powerful enough that he was able to force even the most powerful of Jedi's to scrub all the floors in Hyrule. He was even able to make Mace "Samuel L. 'Mother Fucking' Jackson" Windo yield to his awesome power, although doing so required the use of several snakes and a couple planes.
Fortunately, the King was immune to the corrupting powers of the Dark Side, similar to how the Hobbits of Middle Earth are more or less immune to corrupting power of the Ring of Sauron. It turned out that the king's sloth, gluttony, and near constant drunken made him immune to the hatred and power lust of the Dark Side.
The King, after realizing that his lacked the power of the force, how horrible he was with the lightsaber, and that all the floors in Hyrule had already be scrubbed by Jedi several times over, gave up on the whole "Sith Lord" thing. Additionally, he had also come to believe that Darth Meesa was not the real Master Dark Lord of the Sith, but a lame impostor.
[edit] Stroke and Recovery
Shortly after is rejection of the Dark side, the King suffered a massive stroke. Some say this was due to the evil midichlorians leaving his body after his rejection of the Dark side. Others say it was a punishment from the Heavens for the wicked deeds of the king. However, the King's doctors generally agree that it was due to cholesterol clogging the king's arteries because he's a fat lazy bastard.
For several days, the king would repeat the same phrase and motion over and over, for up to 9 minutes, 59 seconds. Many of these instances were recorded for medical purposes, and even more were recorded by Link because he found the king's suffering quite hilarious. Fortunately, the king somewhat recovered, and is now able to function normally.
[edit] Recent Events
Recently, the king has been running short of funds, partially due to the world wide recession, but mostly due to his extravagant and excessive feasting. To support the royal treasury, he has since become an actor on YouTube, starring in several YouTube Poops. In these multiple videos, the king as well as his subjects and Ganon, engage in repetitive unfunny "humor" that is generally only funny for the inebriated. Also, many of the scenes show the king shortly after his stroke. Eventually he was joined by the likes of Mario, Luigi (otherwise better known by his alias Mama Luigi and Gay Luigi), Dr. Rabbit Vegeta and Nappa, and countless others.
In addition to his acting career, The king is also a part time gangsta rapper, and has released numerous albums.
[edit] Discography
- Party -1993
- MAI BOI!! - 1994
- True Warriors - 1999
- DINNER - 2000
- Wonderin' what's for dinner? - 2003
The King's first music video.
The King is also good at Opera.
The King has also recently produced his new hit single "Sing Like the King"
[edit] See Also
| Games: |
The Legend of Zelda - Blink-182 is Passé - Link's Arousal - Ocarina of Time - Majora's Mask - The Wind Waker - The Midget's Cap - Twilight Princess - Phantom Hourglass - The Wand of Gamelon |
| Characters: | Link - Ganondorf - King Harkinian - Tingle - Vaati - That Old Man from The Legend Of Zelda - Impa |
| Somethings: | Hyrule - Link is a Tree - The Legend of Zelda Link theory - Rupees - UnBooks:A UTP: Link Gets Pregnant and Dies - UnBooks:A UTP: Dating Adverts From Hyrule |
