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King Harkinian Hyrule otherwise simply known as The King is the obese, unintelligent, but
lovable obese ruler of Hyrule. Although he starred in two obscure CD-i games, The Legend Of Zelda: The Faces of Evil and The Wand of Gamelon, he is chiefly known for his appearances in thousands of YouTube Poops.
King Harkinian is the rather jolly, yet gluttonous and incompetent ruler of Hyrule. Renowned for his great obesity and simple mind, he is widely regarded as the least inspiring video game character ever. His hobbies include getting drunk on wine and various other alcoholic beverages, eating dinner, forcing his enemies to scrub all the floors in Hyrule, pondering what's for dinner, wearing a dress, saying "Mah Boi", and eating dinner, which he commonly orders from Hyrule Take-Away. It is rumored that he also enjoys smoking weed, but this is unconfirmed. Despite his jolly and gluttonous demeanor, the king is noted for having some courage. Unfortunately, having no magical powers or combat skills, and being a middle aged lard-arse, this only results in him being defeated or captured by his enemies. On a related note, the king is also rather fond of dinner and spends countless hours feasting
on alongside his loyal subjects.
edit Early Life
The eldest and portliest son of the mighty Burger King, his father attempted to give King Harkinian a proper education, enrolling him in expensive private schools. However, the king benefited little from this, receiving very poor grades and spending his time drinking, partying, fornicating, and wondering what's for dinner. Despite his lack of ambition and intelligence, the king did manage to graduate, most likely because of his father's "gifts" to the school.
Born with a rare disease known as "Bearded Baby Syndrome" (BBS), Harkinian was often looked at with scorn. Instead of joyous cries of, "What an adorable baby!" the Burger King received remarks such as, "Could you shave your baby, please?" and "Wow, I bet when he grows up he'll be fat and wonder what's for dinner all the time." about his first born son. This disease eventually led into the King having a rough teenage life, and eventually forced him into having plastic surgery later in life. However, due to Hyrule's poor medical treatment, the plastic surgeon somehow ended up darkening the King's skin tone along with removing his beard. He was black to about age 16.After that he started getting white patches on his face, which probably were caused by bad dinner. At about 19 he just got treatment to make all of his skin white instead of having the white patches.
As a child, the king was quite effeminate, preferring to play with girls and do such girlie actives as jumping rope, playing with barbie dolls, wearing dresses, going shopping, painting fingernails, and wondering what's for dinner. This obviously displeased Harkinian's father, the Burger King, who attempted to make his son more manly by exposing him to more masculine recreations and "beating teh ghey" out of him. This proved successful, and by the king's teenage years, Harkinian became a noted womanizer, having several mistresses.Barry White.
Under the Burger King reign, Hyrule was quite prosperous, but the people grew displeased with many of the Burger King's autocratic laws. The Burger King had outlawed all fast food restaurants beside the Burger King, and heavily regulated sit down restaurants and food stands to protect the royal monopoly on fast food. Additionally, the Burger King outlawed any attempt at unionization in his restaurants, on the grounds that it was a government enterprise.
The last straw came when the Burger King instituted conscription for his restaurants, to deal with a labor shortage and keep wages down. Naturally, the time was ripe for Harkinian to lead a rebellion against his father. However, he was too busy feasting and fornicating to realize or care. Despite, or perhaps, because of his utter incompetence and complete indifference to the welfare of the kingdom, the rebel leaders offered Harkinian the crown if he supported the rebellion.
Initially, Harkinian was hesitant to rebel against his father. To incite Harkinian, the rebels introduced him to McDonald's, KFC, Wendy's, and other outlawed fast foods. The young prince Harkinian became addicted, and joined the rebels.
After several years of civil war, the rebels proved successful, and the Burger King fled the country. His despotic laws were repealed, and new fast food restaurants appeared in every city, much to the new King's pleasure.
edit The Invasion of Koridai
While King Harkinian was in his throne room drinking wine (as usual) and musing about the long-term ramifications of avant-Koridianism on post-colonial academic thought, Link made a rather strange comment about being "bored" with the peace in Hyrule following his countless beat downs of Hyrule's nemesis Ganon. The King in his infinite wisdom explained that peace is what all true warriors strive for. Since Link wasn't pleased with the boredom brought about by THIS piece of peace, that logically means he isn't a true warrior.
Link then wondered what Ganon was up to, since he had foolishly let Ganon live the last time.
By unrealistic coincidence, Gwonam (or has he better known by his hundreds of fans, "Squadala Guy") arrived on his magic carpet (which is every Arab's choice of transportation) and let everyone know that Ganon was indeed up to something. In fact, that devilish pig had seized the island of Koridai! Link just grinned, as usual.
The King, who was particularly fond of Koridai's exotic dinners, with Link and a thousand-man army at his command, wondered if there was anything he could do to help. Gwonam looked at Link as if to ask, "Is he serious?" then said to the King, "You can help by defeating Ganon."
"No," said Gwoaman. "There is no time. It is written: Only Link can defeat Ganon." Link decided to grab his best items, including his Burnination Rod, Nukes, and Level-2 Sword, which would enable him to go straight to Ganon's castle without having to go through lots of tedious traveling and puzzle-solving in order to gather the necessary items elsewhere. But Gwonam said there was no time for him to run upstairs to his room, for Ganon would become ruler of everything in a matter of minutes. Thus, Link set off on his quest with nothing but his clothes and his sword to save Hyrule.
The King decided to stay at home and ponder such deep philosophical questions as "What's for dinner?" and "What makes a good dinner?" and "Is there an objective standard by which all dinners are judged?" Zelda was ordered to endure his thinking aloud for refusing to kiss Link, and she nearly lost her mind.
edit The Rebellion of Duke Onkled
After Link single-handed defeated the army of Ganon, Harkinian received a desperate distress signal from his richer and much less obese cousin Duke Onkled, whose island of Gamelon was under attack by the evil forces of Ganon. Getting off his lazy ass for once, Harkinian decided to go to Gamelon to aid him. Zelda questioned his actions, but the King claimed he would take the Triforce of
Courage Dinner to protect him and that his ship would sail in the morning. Impa also assured Zelda the fat oaf would return. Before the day of the big battle in which hundreds of lives would be slain, the King looked out the window at his small kingdom and wondered, "What's for dinner?" He spent the rest of the night stuffing his face with various foodstuffs, just like every other night.
And so, the King's
shit ship sailed in the morning. Unfortunately, a month later Zelda was crying because there was no word of her father or his dinner buddies, even though Impa was certain he was alright. Link cheered her up, saying that the "old evil wizard monster who shoots lightning bolts from his hands is no match for a middle aged fat man." (This was complete bullshit, but everyone was too stupid to realize it.) Zelda then sent Link to find her father, but in a bizarre twist of fate, Link didn't return either. Sensing a plot device, Zelda grabbed a sword for the first time in her life and set out to defeat Ganon herself (HA!) even though it was written that only Link can defeat Ganon.
In the end, the King was rescued thanks to the efforts of his loyal subject Fari (the resident Mexican and Don Quixote impersonator). Somehow, Zelda learned that Duke Onkled had betrayed them, but Onkled was brought to justice. Onkled begged for mercy, but Harkinian said that he must scrub all the floors in Hyrule.
Oh, and Link apparently got himself stuck in a mirror, from which he was freed.
Realizing he had made the worst mistake of his life, the King applied to Swiss Chalet. When he had the interview he was given the job of scrubbing all the floors in their restaurants. The King called his new manager a doo doo head and was kicked out right after. The King drowned his sorrows at the local Cluckin' Cuckoo family bar and grill, and asked Ganondorf who was just ending his shift to go off to pilfer the Triforce,"I wonder what's for dinner?" Ganondorf simply replied "Fat-ass bitch",and stormed out.
edit Stroke and Recovery
Shortly after is rejection of the Dark Side, the King suffered a massive stroke. Some say this was due to the evil midichlorians leaving his body after his rejection of the Dark side. Others say it was a punishment from the Heavens for the wicked deeds of the king. However, the King's doctors generally agree that it was due to cholesterol clogging the king's arteries because he's a fat lazy bastard. Though the truth behind the truth was that the event that ultimately led to Harkinian's seizure is Ganon's evil plan to feed him a triple meat triple cheese greasy burger.
For several days, the king would repeat the same phrase and motion over and over, for up to 9 minutes, 59 seconds, or in severe cases, 14 minutes, 59 seconds. Many of these instances were recorded for medical purposes, and even more were recorded by Link because he found the king's suffering quite hilarious. Fortunately, the king somewhat recovered, and is now able to function normally. He has gone back to his daily dinner routine and so far things are going
After which, the King decided he would do more with his life than ever before. Which included having nice
fistfights chats with Link about his roles in the newest Zelda games. He decided to start a charity fund towards sick children in Africa. But the damn bastards mugged him and stole all his lunch money. Thus causing the King to go on a rant and constantly ask the sick and hungry children, "I wonder what's for dinner?" Leading to his attempted assassination by the constitution of Africa. Shortly after, the King had a seizure after watching Dora.
The King decided after his stroke that he wanted to do something more with his life than just be a king and do nothing but gorge himself on feasts all day and wonder what was for dinner. So he decided to run for President of the United States in 2012, leaving Hyrule to be ruled by Ganon. He also decided he'd get more support if he was black.
Like Obama, he had an operation to bring him back to his nigger self. He promised all of America free dinner and that all crimes will be punished by "scrubbing all the floors in AMERICA!" People were amused by the King's simplicity, someone they'd want to have a beer with (in Harkinian's case, wine) and he won the election by a landslide. Harkinian did run into some trouble when it was determined that he was not a natural born U.S. citizen, but it turned out, like with the Kenyan born Presidents Obama, Clinton, and Ford, nobody cared.
Everyone was moved by Harkinian's Presidential Inauguration speech, "MAH BOIS, THIS PEACE IS WHAT ALL TRUE AMERICANS STRIVE FOR!" even though we were already in 2 wars. Unfortunately, the King's presidency went down as the worst presidency in the world, since America went into a great depression and shortage of food thanks to Harkinian's "free dinner for all" law. Also, criminals were thriving since they were able to be released after scrubbing all the floors.
Harkinian also declared war on the whole world because he wanted to take all the dinners for himself and gorge on different ethnic feasts. He also brought back slavery to have all non-whites help the criminals scrub on the floors. Unfortunately for Harkinian, his new law backfired on him, and since he was now African American, he would have to do what he feared most, scrub all the floors!
Unable to cope with the scrubbing, Harkinian said "ENOUGH, my shit sails in the morning". He left America in utter turmoil to go back and rule Hyrule once again, getting an operation to return him to the white fat drunken bastard we all know and love. Hyrule's people were much less than pleased, for they found Ganon was a much more competent leader than Harkinian would ever be.
The king began writing his memoirs in late 2008, after the end of his presidency. In the memoirs, he discusses his traumatic childhood, how his Father beat him on a regular basis, and how his mother tried to kill him, his stint as a Transvestite, his rape by Drew Motherfucking Pickles, the gayest man in the world, his depression, his drug and alcohol addiction, his attempted suicide, and his stints in therapy that lead him to become the phenomenal and inspirational leader that he is. The novel was released in early 2009 under the title "The King's Speech: The Life and Trials of King Harkinian. Upon the novel's release, it became a worldwide phenomenon, with people claiming that The King was a " lost soul", and an "inspiration to everyone who has dealt with abuse, addiction, and depression"
edit Film adaptation
Upon reading the book, some dude that no one had ever heard of before, going by the pseudonym "Tom Hooper", optioned the book to be made into a movie. His first order of buisness was casting infamous British romantic lead Colin Firth as The King, and Geoffrey Rush as his therapist, Dr. I. M. Meen. Apparently, Guy Pearce makes a cameo as Drew Pickles. The film premiered in December of 2010, and Firth immediately won praise for his incredibly convincing portrayal of the tortured King. The film was nominated for several Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Actor for Firth, best Supporting actor for Rush, Best Director for "Hooper", and best screenplay. The film won all of these awards, except for Best Supporting Actor, which went to Mama Luigi for his convincing portrayal of the drug addicted brother of legendary Boxer "Italian" Mario Mario in "The Fighter".
edit War on Disney
After losing to Mario Mario in the Oscars, the King stopped acting entirely. Until he was visited one day by Walt
Deshit Disney. But unfortunately for King, Walt was not there to support him, what he wanted was to buy him from Nintendo. The bastards there took a break from celebrating the Wii's success in printing money to defend against the cult of Disney. The war raged on until The Jungle Book started production, when Walt suddenly died of AIDS he contracted from Baloo. (The fat-ass bear who dances like a gay porn star and tries to rape a man-child).
edit Obsession with Dinner
It is theorized that, as a child, Harkinian was grossly underfed. The Burger King hoarded all the food to himself while his helpless son questioned him about what's for dinner. The Burger King got annoyed by this; he eventually suffered a breakdown, yelling at his son to "ASK SOME OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE WHAT'S FOR DINNER IF YOU'RE SO FUCKING HUNGRY!!" Young, impressionable Harkinian had nowhere else to turn so Rosie O'Donnell took the innocent youth into its care. All day, Rosie fed him whatever he wanted... Harkinian was living his dream. He would never question about dinner again... or so he thought. Rosie became an alcoholic and left its adopted son in the streets. Harkinian, alone and confused, was back to his old self; starving and alone. He eventually starting pillaging towns and raping their women just to get a meager dinner for the night. As he showed his dominance, he would yell out "I WONDER WHAT'S FOR DINNER!" The townspeople had a breakthrough and started feeding him, but it was in vain. Harkinian just kept asking. Eventually, the people made him King since he'd already proven his dominance over them. The King appointed a helper, Link, and made a child, Zelda. When Zelda should've been making him sammiches, she was off doing some other stupid feminist shit. King Harkinian would then be fated forever to tell his only true remaining friend "I wonder what's for dinner."
The Legend of Zelda - Link's Arousal - Ocarina of Time - Majora's Mask - The Wind Waker - The Midget's Crap - Twilight Princess - Phantom Hourglass - Spirit Tracks - The Wand of Gamelon - Faces of Evil
|Characters:||Link - Princess Zelda - Ganondorf - King Harkinian - Tingle - Vaati - That Old Man from The Legend Of Zelda - Lord Jabu-Jabu|
|Somethings:||Hyrule - Link is a Tree - The Legend of Zelda Link theory - Rupees|