King George V

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George "Flying" V
King of the United Kingdom, Emperor of India, Emperor of Canada, Lord High Bruce of Australia, Most Merciful Sultan of Yorkshire
George V of the united Kingdom
"Fucking Germans! Oh."
Reign 1910 - 1936
Born 18something
Buckingham Palace
Died 1935
Buckingham Palace (he didn't get out much)
Predecessor King Edward VII
Successor King Edward VIII
Consort Queen "plum-in-my mouth" Mary
Issue Kaiser Wilhelm and his jackbooted hordes
“Was ist mit Ihnen falsch? Lesen Sie einfach den Gott verdammten Index, den ich schrieb! P.S. Wenn Sie dieses lesen, werde ich lachen, weil Sie Ihre Hosen scheißen!*”
~ William Hohenzollern on his cousin.
“When I grow up, I wanna be just like him!”
~ King George VI on his dad.

George "Flying" V was an important military-political leader and British monarch. He was born on 3 June 1865 and was the first British monarch to date Barbara Windsor, thus founding the House of Windsor. Because he founded the House of Windsor, he was one of the writers of The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, the other being his German first cousin. The two could not decide on a topic, and his first cousin declared war. His reign was tumultuous, as he tried to avert it. Oscar Wilde was particularly pissed off about the war, writing the play "100 Which-Ways to Buggery" about the King, although on closer inspection the play seems to be mostly concerned with buggery. He is also quite famous for topping Wikipedia's World Domination high score list.

Early Life

His early life seems to have been quite difficult for him, mostly because his birth age was 37 and he spent most of the time in a tree in Queen Victoria's garden, usually against his will. However, eventually the Queen threw a girl up into the same tree; the girl was Princess Mary-Champagne-Duchess-Princess-Sugarcake-Alexandria, who George promptly fell in love with. She was, however, his sister, as well as both his uncle's husband and his pet hamster's mother, although the conventions of the time considered it okay for rich people to shag family members, as long as one of the two had a foreign name.

Marriage

He proposed to Alexandria in 1910, and they married the following year. Their wedding reception was held in the same tree that he had lived in all his life (Victoria had assigned an entire regiment, The Queen's Own Bastards, to make sure he didn't escape) and was attended by the Heads of State of pretty much every country that had ever existed (this situation was possible because of the liberal use of time-travel in the 1910's). George's best man was Calvin Coolidge, who was truly the coolest person present; as a wedding gift, he taught George to moonwalk.

George and Alexandria were let down from the tree in 1911, when Queen Victoria died after getting into a fight with a whippet, and they immediately began work on creating an heir. Centuries of inbreeding meant that their offspring looked really really ugly, but most importantly they were stupid enough to be rich, which made them satisfactory royalty.

War

GeorgeV
King George V, striking his "startled" pose (eyes forward and moustache erect).

George began The First World War after an argument with his cousin, Nicholas II over whether Britain or Russia's flag was coolest. Ironically, George originally intended to ally with Wilhelm II's Germany, but accidentally phoned the wrong number, so ended up allying with Russia and France against Germany, which "was a bit of a bugger", according to Oscar Wilde[1]. Nicholas, who had always been a bit of a wimp, ended up losing the war and being shot by Communists. To rub beautifidelity salt into the wound, they then designed a flag that was way cooler than Britain's, which caused George to feel very miserable. In 1918, Wilhelm surrendered and abdicated, which left George the only one of the three left; his mother chided him with the words "you always had to take things too far with those two", which made him cry.

After the War

After the war, George didn't do much, spending most of his time hibernating in a box in a cupboard. He did, however, make sure he raised sons who loved the Nazis. Edward VIII was particularly good at this, at one point being paid by Hitler to lick his face.

In 1936, George lost a fight with a jar of jam. He returned to the tree that had nurtured him during his childhood, and cried himself to death (literally; he cried all the water out of himself).

Oscar Wilde reckoned his life was a "pretty buggering crap story". Which it was.

Noted British historian Alf Garnett said of his attempts to avoid war:

Cquote1 An look at old King George, round about the first World War. Look what he did for us. Did all he could himself, to avert that war. God rest his soul. One of the best kings we ever had, that man. He went to the trouble of inviting the Kaiser, who was his cousin, over to Buck House for dinner with him. An when he'd finished dinner he took off his white gloves - he always wore white gloves at dinner because he was a bloody gentleman - an he said to the Kaiser, Bill, he said, look Bill, we don't want a war between our countries an get a lot of our people killed, do we? If we got any differences, he said, let's go out in the back garden and fight it out bare fist. An he sparred up to him. But the Kaiser didn't do nothing. Wouldn't fight him. Cos he was a coward like all your bloody Germans. Well, I mean, all right, they're good soldiers, but they got one weakness - they got no taste for cold steel. Show em a British bayonet an they'll run like rabbits. Cquote2

Footnotes

  1. Not to be confused with his namesake Oscar Wilde although this Oscar was also an enthusiastic gay

*Translation: "What is wrong with you? Just read the God damned script I wrote! P.S. When you read this, I will be laughing because you shit your pants!"

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