George III
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| George III | ||
|---|---|---|
| King of Great Britain and Ireland, King of Hanover, | ||
| ||
| "King George III; popular in the USA" | ||
| Reign | 1760 - 1820 | |
| Born | 1738, the Royal Brothel | |
| Buckingham Palace | ||
| Died | 1820 | |
| Buckingham Palace Lunatic Asylum (only inmate) | ||
| Predecessor | King George II | |
| Successor | King George IV "the fat" | |
| Consort | Some Blue-blooded tart | |
| Issue | Damned Yankee swines pulling down his statues | |
“George III? Fuck that nigger! I'll fucking kill that motherfucker!!! ”
~ Oscar Wilde on George III
George III, or George 3.0 as he was known in Silicon Valley venture capital circles, is best remembered as being the King of England at the time the British lost control of the 13 colonies that became the United States.
George was later awarded India as a consolation prize. Although George became fabulously wealthy subletting cheap Indian labor to American call centers, he never got over the American Revolution, and died of a massive coronary while desperately dreaming of having makeup sex with Ben Franklin.
[edit] Early life
King George was born to prince Frederick who was in line to be king of England until he met his end in a deadly cricket incident involving 47 chavs (the entire population of England at the time) and a howler monkey. After he died his father George II also died when a howler monkey jumped out of Fred's grave and proceeded to chew off his head.
George became king after he applied for his steam car license. Upon becoming king he set about boiling shrimps, losing the American colonies and forgetting to breathe.
[edit] The War
The problem arose when George III discovered that the colonists were telling the other kings that nobody liked him. In a huff, George ordered troops to the colonies, where they summarily administered wedgies and wet willies to all the opposition.
The reaction among the colonies led to the Boston Tea Party, generally considered the third dumbest-named event in human history, after World War II and Operation Iraqi Freedom. The colonists dumped tea shipments into the harbor of Boston.
Being an upright Brit, this really pissed George off. Who were these coffee-drinking rat bastard evangelical pricks to be dumping HIS precious tea into HIS precious harbor?
George ordered more troops to the colonies. And they did bad things, or at least that movie with Mel Gibson said so. Honestly, The Patriot sucked. Also, wasn't there a Steven Segal movie by the same name?
And this led to the Boston Massacre, the Boston Cream Pie (not as sexual as it sounds), Boston Market and eventually the Boston Red Sox.
Once the colonist had to suffer the Boston Red Sox and their goddamned fans who will never shut the fuck up about the New York Yankees, the war took on a new dimension. With the assistance of the French, the colonists surrendered to the Germans. Then George got really pissed, because they were giving away HIS shit!! Come on, that ain't cool!
So, George ordered the New York Yankees to conduct a second Boston Massacre. The Yankees, riding atop horses the breathe fire, leveled the city of Boston, killed its men and boys of fighting age, carried away it women and boys young enough to pass for women, and retreated to the Green Zone for the duration of the war.
Maybe that was fictionalized in that movie? What was that? Was that like the dream sequence at the end of the Newhart TV show? Was the whole war just a dream?
Maybe that was in Johny Tremain. I don't know. I mean, there was that Howard Zinn book... but, did anyone ever actually read that, or did we all just piss it off and tell our professor, "Yeah, sure... whatever ... uh, huh... it was good... sure."?
Next time, don't assign shit you heard about in a movie... Christ? What has this academic world come to?
So, eventually the British lost to the Americans.
~Please do not believe a word this says, it isn't historically accurate and exaggerates multiple events. It's just plain stupid, and is irrelevant to the article sub-title.~
[edit] Later Life
After losing the war, George went about as usual but slowly grew ever more insane due to the fact he drank lemonade out of a lead bowl. Soon George 3.0 went completely bananas. Being King of Britain, his orders still had to be obeyed. One of the many changes he did was the ban of toothbrushes and showers. He died in 1820 when he choked to death on thin air in the Buckingham Palace mental Ausilum at the young age of 82.
His acts of insanity (and sanity) Included:
- Thinking London had flooded and ordering a seive to sail away in.
- Ending every god damn sentence with the word Peacock.
- Adopting a handbag as a son when his fat bastard son George the IV took over as regent.
- Arguing with trees and dead invisible people.
- Giving George Stevenson lots of money and telling him to do something with it (he died before it was completed).
George's legacy still remains today.
Barmy British Stuff 
