King Diamond

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“King Diamond? Best band ever.”

~ David Bowie on King Diamond

“Black metal rules!”

~ Jay from Clerks on King Diamond

One of King's early job prospects. Unfortunately he was fired for placing gypsy curses on 17 children and making Christian heads explode.

King Diamond is a timetraveller, member of a famous metal band, wears his trousers too tight, stole Gene Simmons face, solo artist, monarch and jeweler. But he is a king, and he is rich enough to afford even the most valuable diamonds.

King was born in a cemetery, under the sign of the moon. Raised from his grave by the dead, he was made a mercenary in the legions of Hell, now he's King of Pain, he's INSAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaane!!!!!!!!

Diamond enjoyed a childhood of privilege as a member of Copenhagen's most respected family of jewelers. Upon hearing Deep Purple in his teens, Diamond determined that a life of procuring, cutting and polishing precious gems didn't appeal to him as much as one of playing rock 'n' roll. A rare skin condition rendered the skin on King's face especially sensitive to sunlight. As a result, King had to apply full-face makeup whenever he went out in public.

After moderate success with the band Black Rose, King met up with members of the punk band Bratz to eventually form the legendary metal band Mercyful Fate.

[edit] As a Solo Artist/Tormentor

King Diamond's redone facepaint, after being forced to change by the UN.

On his own King Diamond released many hit CDs that allowed him to gain a great influence and travel the world. His followers were known as the "Diamond Bangers". This badass following spread Diamond's music by playing it really loud in their vehicles, house, public events, hell, heaven, and anywhere else you can think of. Soon, the divinity of the "Diamond Bangers", or "Diamond Blasters" as some called them, was growing.

King Diamond also met up with Oscar Wilde and recorded a duo record in the Thomas Edison Radical Recording Studio. Unfortunately, when King Diamond travelled back through time in his Temporal Coffin, the master recordings were wiped due to a field interface stabilizer that failed to shield electromatic recordings. Also, the macro-mac field intergrator burned out and the thermo modulator on the temporal dampers would have to be replaced, severely limiting time travel to just 2 months.

But the rest as they say, is Menopause.

[edit] Discography

[edit] With Mercyful Fate

• Down with Mercy -(1980)
• Is that you, Melissa? (If so, please bring me a beer from the refrigerator) -(1982)
• Don't Take Them Both (Protect My Balls) (1984)
• The Return of the Vampire Clown (From Downtown) -(1992)
• Tea Time -(1994)
• Neine!!! -(1999)

[edit] Solo

King's first solo release was a nice little family Christmas album.

• Fatal Peanut -(1986)
• Evil Little Undead Bitch pt. 1 -(1987)
• Grandma, Let Me Touch You -(1988)
• Grandma, Sorry I Killed You -(1989)
• One-Eye The Wonder Weasel -(1990)
• Hoodoo Voodoo: The King Goes Cajun -(1998)
• House of Pancakes -(2000)
• Evil Little Undead Bitch pt. 2: The Bitch is Back -(2002)
• The Puppet Masturbator -(2003)
• Another Evil Little Undead Soulsucking Bitch -(2007)
• I'm Going to Paste that Colorform Right onto the Fucking Background, You Stupid Bitch, So NOBODY can EVER Get it Off! -(2009)

[edit] Trivia

King once tried huffing a pug. The dog would later develop a severe abandonment complex.

• Diamond's music was used to increase the morale of soldiers in the Vietcong.

• King Diamond is father of Dustin Diamond, best known for playing "Screech" on Saved by the Bell.

• If King Diamond were an actual diamond, his karat weight would be more than 1,000k.

• Diamond Holds "Bass Angler of the Year" title for 1989, 1991 and 1995.

• His ill-advised country and western project with Buck Owens was a commercial failure.

• Before joining the forces of evil as an early teen, King was a star member of the Vienna Boys Choir.

• King's microphone stand is made of Mickey Dee.

• Diamond settled his legal dispute over his make-up pattern with Gene Simmons in an old-fashioned bitch-slapping contest.

• Has recurring role as Det. Pedersen on Law and Order SVU.

• He's the world champion of air guitar, 1983, 1984, and 1989.

• Neil Diamond is actually King Diamond without make-up.

• King Diamond is believed to be behind the dispaearence of a young Miss Madeline McCann

• In 2007, he threw out his back humping your mom and has been unable to tour as a result.

• Guitarist Andy LaRocque is actually a demon conjured by King to perform on his albums.

• King Diamonds vocal style is derived by sucking his balls up into his scrotum. This technique is unique because, while others such as Rob Halford cut off their balls to get this technique, King Diamond did not have to mutilate himself in any way.

• His recently released autobiography, Of Moustaches and Corpsepaint, is the best-selling book of all time in Denmark.

A commercial for King's very own brand of aftershave:

[edit] See Also

• People who are less than King Diamond