King Arthur

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{{British}}
 
{{British}}
{{q|Exactly, Who Cares|Uncle James Fonzarelli}}
 
{{Q|Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.|Dennis|King Arthur}}
 
{{Q|Magic in every hole|[[Merlin]]|King Arthur}}
 
 
__NOTOC__
 
 
   
 
[[image:Arthurking.jpg|thumb|right|200px|<small>'''King Arthur, more or less'''</small>]]
 
[[image:Arthurking.jpg|thumb|right|200px|<small>'''King Arthur, more or less'''</small>]]
'''King Arthur''' is the famous British king of '''Authoritarian Legend''', well-known as both a Protector of the British Isles from people not usually considered to be Britons and the man responsible for the foundation of the aforementioned '''Authoritarian Legend''' that was spoken of before.
+
'''King Arthur''' is the famous Britishe king of '''Arthurian Legend''', well-known as both a Protector of the Britishe Isles from people not usually considered to be Britons and the man responsible for the foundation of the aforementioned '''Arthurian Legend''' that was spoken of before.
   
 
==Possible Reign==
 
==Possible Reign==
During his possible reign from '''[[1776|356]]-[[1999|1023AD]]''' (in which he may have been alive for some or all of the years credited to him), he is rumoured to have done a great many things; things involving [[nerd|swords and sorcery]], [[nerd|wizards and warriors]], and [[nerd|dungeons and dragons]]. As opposed to the current political malaise called crap ass faced by the British Isles - wherein the most exciting political developments revolve around the nuances of the UK's involvement with the [[European Union]] or whether [[Tony Blair]] is a Blackguard or merely a blighter - King Arthur's political developments revolved exclusively around sex and violence, and thus make for a rollicking good read.
+
During his possible reign from '''[[1776|356]]-[[1999|1023AD]]''' (in which he may have been alive for some or all of the years credited to him), he is rumoured to have done a great many things, things involving [[nerd|swords and sorcery]], [[nerd|wizards and warriors]], and [[nerd|dungeons and dragons]]. As opposed to the current political malaise faced by the British Isles, wherein the most exciting political developments revolve around the nuances of the UK's involvement with the [[European Union]] or whether [[Tony Blair]] is a blackguard or merely a blighter, King Arthur's political developments revolved exclusively around sex and violence, and thus make for a rollicking good read.
 
Toward the end of his life, Arthur went through several intense sessions of chemo therapy to cure what was originally believed to be testicular [[cancer]]. However, the good king was actually growing a second set of [[testicles]]. Dude was just ''that'' ballsy. The chemo treatments were immediately halted, and the royal smiths added additional plates to his armour to make room for His Royal Majesty's Secondary Royal [[Scrotum]].
 
 
==Known Insignias==
 
"Damn Yanks" - written as early as the 1200s because American's were dicks even back then.
 
   
==A King is Crowned, and There Was Much Rejoicing==
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==A Kinge is Crowned, and There Was Much Rejoicing==
[[Image:Arthur3487.jpg|thumb|left|175px|<small>'''This is what King Arthur would look like if he was made out of metal, in this case bronze. Some cultures in the world make these sculptures, called "statues" so that they may one day fashion an unstoppable army made out of metal and stone'''</small>]][[image:Kingarthur.jpg|thumb|right|175px|<small>'''In his salad days, Arthur lived briefly with his mother and two others in Miami before giving up the ''easy'' life as a queen and becoming a full-on king.'''</small>]]
+
[[Image:Arthur3487.jpg|thumb|left|150px|<small>'''This is what King Arthur would look like if he was made out of metal, in this case bronze. Some cultures in the world make these sculptures, called "statues" so that they may one day fashion an unstoppable army made out of metal and stone'''</small>]]
 
Having watched ''Monty Python and the Holy Grail'' nearly a dozen times and seen some kind of special on the '''[[History Channel]]''' about his reign, [[Uncyclopedia]] can offer one of the most complete, accurate, and revisionist pictures of King Arthur that we are aware of.
 
Having watched ''Monty Python and the Holy Grail'' nearly a dozen times and seen some kind of special on the '''[[History Channel]]''' about his reign, [[Uncyclopedia]] can offer one of the most complete, accurate, and revisionist pictures of King Arthur that we are aware of.
   
 
We understand we should probably read more. File complaints [[dog|here.]]
 
We understand we should probably read more. File complaints [[dog|here.]]
   
In any case, Arthur was once a peasant boy, having been fathered by [[Richard Sharpe]] after an especially nasty experiment with his lesbian pile, and he was probably filthy and covered in [[shit]], as all little boys in the Middle Ages invariably were- notably those who came from Lesbians. He may or may not have seen the [[Romans]] come and go from the [[Mediocre Britain|Britishe Isles]], though it's much more likely he watched them go. And go they did. Had he known that his future predecessor of the past, [[Boudicca]] (Another Sharpe experiment), had perished trying to protect the Britishe Isles from the Romans, he might have applied himself a little bit more in Little Filthy Peasant Boy Academy.
+
In any case, Arthur was once a peasant boy, and he was probably filthy, as all little boys in the Middle Ages invariably were. He may or may not have seen the [[Romans]] come and go from the [[Mediocre Britain|Britishe Isles]], though it's much more likely he watched them go. And go they did. Had he known that his future predecessor of the past, [[Boudicca]], had perished trying to protect the Britishe Isles from the Romans, he might have applied himself a little bit more in Little Filthy Peasant Boy Academy.
   
 
As it was, he befriended a creepy old man known as '''Randy Merlin, esq'''., who taught him how to become a fish (among other things). Then, there was the matter of a sword stuck in a pile of dung, though it was left there on account of the awful smell. A different sword, one stuck in better-smelling stone, was then selected by pranksters as the '''One Sword to Unite Them All''', though it is unclear who Them were. History, as it is, points to the [[Britain|Britons]], though it could also be the '''Saxons''', who were taking longer and longer holidays in Britain around this time.
 
As it was, he befriended a creepy old man known as '''Randy Merlin, esq'''., who taught him how to become a fish (among other things). Then, there was the matter of a sword stuck in a pile of dung, though it was left there on account of the awful smell. A different sword, one stuck in better-smelling stone, was then selected by pranksters as the '''One Sword to Unite Them All''', though it is unclear who Them were. History, as it is, points to the [[Britain|Britons]], though it could also be the '''Saxons''', who were taking longer and longer holidays in Britain around this time.
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==A More or Less Informed Take on The Knights of the Round Table and All of That==
 
==A More or Less Informed Take on The Knights of the Round Table and All of That==
Every King needs his [[knights]], or so it seems, and Arthur was no different. Was there some kind of knight sign-up that he orchestrated to attract the best knights in the land? Or, did he simply appoint his relatives and lackeys to choice positions? There were rumours that King Arthur employed Peter Kenyon and attracted investments from a certain Russian Jew to help him complete his "Galaticos of the Rounnd Table Project". Yaa, and he supported gay marriage and whity tidy underwear. HE was really dumn
+
Every King needs his [[knights]], or so it seems, and Arthur was no different. Was there some kind of knight sign-up that he orchestrated to attract the best knights in the land? Or, did he simply appoint his relatives and lackeys to choice positions?
   
 
[[Nobody cares|Somebody knows.]] And that somebody may be you. Then why, exactly, are you reading this? Smart ass.
 
[[Nobody cares|Somebody knows.]] And that somebody may be you. Then why, exactly, are you reading this? Smart ass.
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'''Some Nobleman''': Come again?<br>
 
'''Some Nobleman''': Come again?<br>
 
'''Lancelot''': You know, for King Arthur. I'm part of his Round Table.<br>
 
'''Lancelot''': You know, for King Arthur. I'm part of his Round Table.<br>
'''Some Nobleman''': Really? That's great. That's great for you. <br>
+
'''Some Nobleman''': Really. That's great for you. <br>
'''Lancelot''': Yeah, it's not bad... Actually, wait, it ''is'' great for me. I get to fuck the boss's wife. Not really in my contract, you understand. But I think it falls under "Other duties, as assigned," or something.<br>
+
'''Lancelot''': Yeah, it's not bad.</code>
'''Some Nobleman''': Right, then. Well, good luck with that.<br>
 
'''Lancelot''': Well say, I'm off to "Lancer-Lot," if you get me.<br>
 
'''Some Nobleman''': Do shut it.<br>
 
'''Lancelot''': Never.</code>
 
   
[[image:notkingarthur01.jpg|thumb|right|100px|<small>'''Not King Arthur'''</small>]]
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Some of these knights had names - famous names - like '''Sir Lancelot''', '''Sir Gawain''', '''Sir Didymus''' and '''Sir Not Appearing in this Article'''. And as sure as no one ever actually practiced the code of chivalry, they rode around the land doing various things, possibly for the benefit of ordinary citizens. For Arthur was a good king, not one of those bad ones, such as that Herod character in the [[Bible]], or the nefarious '''King Friday'''. No, King Arthur was all about helping old women cross the street, holding the door open for you, and requiring your services annually to serve in his army after the harvest season concluded.
Some of these knights had names - famous names - like '''Sir Lancelot''', '''Sir Gawain''', '''Sir Didymus''', '''Sir Elton John''', and '''Sir Not Appearing in this Article'''. And as sure as no one ever actually practiced the code of chivalry, they rode around the land doing various things, possibly for the benefit of ordinary citizens. For Arthur was a good king, not one of those bad ones, such as that Herod character in the [[Bible]], or the nefarious '''King Friday'''. No, King Arthur was all about helping old women cross the street, holding the door open for you, and requiring your services annually to serve in his army after the harvest season concluded.
 
 
==The Crusades==
 
[[image:main.jpg|thumb|right|200px|<small>'''Scotch Egg '''and''' Not Scotch Egg'''</small>]]
 
The only known appearance of King Arthur in the crusades was during the [[battle of the lamp posts]], where in a tragic [[scotch egg]] related injury he lost 5-(Three, Sir!) ...3 of his 7 testicles.
 
   
 
==The Fall of King Arthur==
 
==The Fall of King Arthur==
Despite all of the greatness achieved in his life, King Arthur's demise was far from glorious...His early years were great, sure, but towards the end the dude started going a little crazy...okay screw that..he went APE-SHIT! Controversy plagued his short-lived career as a sidekick to the "Great Merlin"- an alcoholic magician who took to card tricks when all else failed - as Arthur started to abuse the rather popular drug at the time, Chrsytal Meth. The times with Merlin were fun, of course, late nights, late mornings. Drinking. Womanizing. Touching himself in front of a mirror. All such things were side-effects of his relentless drug-abuse. Walking naked through the streets in the long fall of 1845, Arthur was sighted to be rubbing baby oil over his nude form and singing the song "ba ba blacksheep". This was the last straw and his agent, Chuck Norris, forced him to check into rehab. In rehab he met a man named "Dick", kind of reminded him the celebrity "James Woods". In one confrontation with Dick outside in the rain, Dick professed his love for the troubled king, and they engaged in mutual felacio for approximately 7 hours, and this experience led to the enlightenment of the King! Seven years of rehab followed however as the King was still trying 2 overcome the horrible side-effects of what he had labelled "Daddy's Salty-Sweetness" (simply refering to the rock-like nature of his "sweet" drug of choice) Yet after the Seven years were done, enlightened, a little weary, and almost broke, Arthur looked back on the words Mr. Woods (that's what he used to call Dick) had whispered into his ear that cold, passionate night outside in the rain..."let go of the Meth, alcohol is the way to go baby, urgh THAT'S right...yeaaaaaaa".....
+
Drinking. Womanizing. Some woman named '''Gweneveire'''. Or Geneveve. All these things, and perhaps the unchecked insanity of Merlin led to the ultimate downfall of Arthur and Camelot in general. When all was said and done, Arthur looked back on his reign and said thusly, "Well, it was a good run. I fucked a lot of hoes, capped a lot of mark-ass fools, and walked the pimp walk as it should be walked. Hear me well, my homies, and bury me with all the Cristal and Hennessey in the Kingdom."
....
 
.......
 
So the years ensued with Arthur turning to alcohol to solve all his troubles, and it kind of worked really. Whiskey actually defeated the great Drangon Invasion of 1992, and many still alive this day can recall how Johny heinnekan the brave fought to to the death against a wild boar armed with super-lazers and samurai swords which had been terrorizing the streets of camelot for 11 straight weeks!
 
But alcohol had it's bad-side as well...it gave him a necrotic liver....
 
....and he died within about 7 days after checking out of rehab....
 
he like...literally drank himself 2 death...
 
james woods killed him
 
the meth wasn't even affecting him THAT bad physical...
 
in fact it made him kinda stronger to think about it...
 
...
 
like actually, a LOT stronger!
 
jeeze....
 
ANYWAY...
 
When all was said and done, Arthur looked back on his reign and said thusly, "Well, it was a good run. I fucked a lot of hoes, smoked my Lime Optimos, capped a lotte of marke-ass fools, and walked the Pimpe Walke as it shoulde be walked. Heere me well, my houmies miriade, and biury me with alle the Cristal and Hennessey in the Kingdome."
 
   
For those who can't quite decipher the above translation of the famous poem by Taelisyn, "title unknown," most conventional accounts of Arthur's death state that it happened at or after the battle of Camlann. None of the sources that mention Camlann have ever said exactly where Camlann is. But most agree that Arthur fought the vicious Medraut there. Some believe Medraut was a rebel who had sided with the Saxons Arthur had worked so hard to exterminate. Medraut had fled Britain and returned with his great horde of dirty, rapacious German sodomites, and set about rampaging and pillaging and a-raping. Arthur had at first the brilliant strategy of fighting the battle on Badon Hill, where he had won a great victory years before. At first the strategy worked brilliantly as his army remained unchallenged on Badon Hill for months, then Arthur finally realized Medraut was cleverly avoiding Badon Hill entirely. So Arthur set about finding Camlann, which even then nobody knew the location of, and before long Medraut approached with his degenerate Germans. The battle commenced and soon everyone was dead but Arthur, excepting of course everyone that ran away. Medraut was split in two and tossed in a bog, and his Germans were buried alive by Arthur's henchmen and never seen again. Taelisin vaguely suggests Arthur was eaten by a two-headed monster during the battle; others claim Arthur retired and lived till old age. But the evidence of his death is so scant that many doubt Arthur ever died at all, and call for efforts to locate him in the modern world and make him clear the whole mystery up.
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King Arthur was survived by his son, Charlemagne, and his Mexican housemaid, Lupita.
 
King Arthur was survived by his sons, Charlemagne, Bill Stickers, Bruce Dickinson, and Glenn Danzig, as well as his Mexican housemaid, Lupita.
 
   
 
==Awards and Achievements==
 
==Awards and Achievements==
[[image:notkingarthur02.jpg|thumb|right|175px|<small>'''Also Not King Arthur'''</small>]]
 
 
'''During his reign, King Arthur:'''
 
'''During his reign, King Arthur:'''
 
* was crowned 0 times
 
* was crowned 0 times
* got laid 0 times
 
* Invented the Chinese art and science of [[Hedgehog | acupuncture]]
 
 
* [[space shuttle|launched]] [[0]] [[ship]]s
 
* [[space shuttle|launched]] [[0]] [[ship]]s
 
* opened 0 supermarkets
 
* opened 0 supermarkets
Line 68: Line 57:
 
* used 0 wishes
 
* used 0 wishes
 
* had 0 hits on his webpage
 
* had 0 hits on his webpage
* Invented the [[Spear]] only to have his idea stolen several years beforehand.
 
* Won the war on terror
 
 
 
   
 
==See Also==
 
==See Also==
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* [[Martin Luther King]]
 
* [[Martin Luther King]]
 
* [[King Crimson]]
 
* [[King Crimson]]
* [[Origins of Chivalry]]
 
* [[Chivalry]]
 
* [[Knight]]
 
   
 
{{wikipedia}}
 
{{wikipedia}}
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| before = [[Boudica]]
 
| before = [[Boudica]]
 
| after = [[King Harold]]
 
| after = [[King Harold]]
|}}
 
{{succession box |
 
| title = [[British Line of Succession|Line of Succession to the British Throne]] | years =
 
| before = [[Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel Chatto]]
 
| after = [[You]] for now...
 
 
|}}
 
|}}
 
{{end box}}
 
{{end box}}
   
{{Britain}}
 
 
[[Category:Royalty]][[Category:British monarchy]]
 
[[Category:Medieval]]
 
   
[[de:Artus]]
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[[Category:Royalty]]
[[es:Rey Arturo]]
 
[[fr:Le Roi Arthur]]
 
[[it:King Arthur]]
 
[[ja:アーサー王]]
 
[[zh-tw:塞吧]]
 

Revision as of 00:42, August 9, 2009

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Arthurking

King Arthur, more or less

King Arthur is the famous Britishe king of Arthurian Legend, well-known as both a Protector of the Britishe Isles from people not usually considered to be Britons and the man responsible for the foundation of the aforementioned Arthurian Legend that was spoken of before.

Possible Reign

During his possible reign from 356-1023AD (in which he may have been alive for some or all of the years credited to him), he is rumoured to have done a great many things, things involving swords and sorcery, wizards and warriors, and dungeons and dragons. As opposed to the current political malaise faced by the British Isles, wherein the most exciting political developments revolve around the nuances of the UK's involvement with the European Union or whether Tony Blair is a blackguard or merely a blighter, King Arthur's political developments revolved exclusively around sex and violence, and thus make for a rollicking good read.

A Kinge is Crowned, and There Was Much Rejoicing

Arthur3487

This is what King Arthur would look like if he was made out of metal, in this case bronze. Some cultures in the world make these sculptures, called "statues" so that they may one day fashion an unstoppable army made out of metal and stone

Having watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail nearly a dozen times and seen some kind of special on the History Channel about his reign, Uncyclopedia can offer one of the most complete, accurate, and revisionist pictures of King Arthur that we are aware of.

We understand we should probably read more. File complaints here.

In any case, Arthur was once a peasant boy, and he was probably filthy, as all little boys in the Middle Ages invariably were. He may or may not have seen the Romans come and go from the Britishe Isles, though it's much more likely he watched them go. And go they did. Had he known that his future predecessor of the past, Boudicca, had perished trying to protect the Britishe Isles from the Romans, he might have applied himself a little bit more in Little Filthy Peasant Boy Academy.

As it was, he befriended a creepy old man known as Randy Merlin, esq., who taught him how to become a fish (among other things). Then, there was the matter of a sword stuck in a pile of dung, though it was left there on account of the awful smell. A different sword, one stuck in better-smelling stone, was then selected by pranksters as the One Sword to Unite Them All, though it is unclear who Them were. History, as it is, points to the Britons, though it could also be the Saxons, who were taking longer and longer holidays in Britain around this time.

Once he had secured the sword, Arthur proceeded to unite Them all, and conversely, Them were all too happy to crown him Kinge of Angle-land. So, at the tender age of 17 or so, Arthur found himself King of all he surveyed, and even things beyond his field of vision.

A More or Less Informed Take on The Knights of the Round Table and All of That

Every King needs his knights, or so it seems, and Arthur was no different. Was there some kind of knight sign-up that he orchestrated to attract the best knights in the land? Or, did he simply appoint his relatives and lackeys to choice positions?

Somebody knows. And that somebody may be you. Then why, exactly, are you reading this? Smart ass.

Regardless, after a time, Arthur assembled what was almost certainly a bunch of men with armor and swords. Due to the fact that he was an unimaginative git, the round table that they sat around, drank excessively and passed gas upon would bear their name. In conversations, it might sound a little like this:

Lancelot: Hey.
Some Nobleman: So, what have you been up to?
Lancelot: Actually, I got a new job.
Some Nobleman: Really! Where are you working?
Lancelot: Over in Camelot.
Some Nobleman: Come again?
Lancelot: You know, for King Arthur. I'm part of his Round Table.
Some Nobleman: Really. That's great for you.
Lancelot: Yeah, it's not bad.

Some of these knights had names - famous names - like Sir Lancelot, Sir Gawain, Sir Didymus and Sir Not Appearing in this Article. And as sure as no one ever actually practiced the code of chivalry, they rode around the land doing various things, possibly for the benefit of ordinary citizens. For Arthur was a good king, not one of those bad ones, such as that Herod character in the Bible, or the nefarious King Friday. No, King Arthur was all about helping old women cross the street, holding the door open for you, and requiring your services annually to serve in his army after the harvest season concluded.

The Fall of King Arthur

Drinking. Womanizing. Some woman named Gweneveire. Or Geneveve. All these things, and perhaps the unchecked insanity of Merlin led to the ultimate downfall of Arthur and Camelot in general. When all was said and done, Arthur looked back on his reign and said thusly, "Well, it was a good run. I fucked a lot of hoes, capped a lot of mark-ass fools, and walked the pimp walk as it should be walked. Hear me well, my homies, and bury me with all the Cristal and Hennessey in the Kingdom."

King Arthur was survived by his son, Charlemagne, and his Mexican housemaid, Lupita.

Awards and Achievements

During his reign, King Arthur:

  • was crowned 0 times
  • launched 0 ships
  • opened 0 supermarkets
  • built 0 bridges
  • fought 0 wars
  • changed 0 religions
  • died 0 times (sort of - he died before his reign really, not during it)
  • got married once (sort of - see above)
  • succeeded in the genocide of 0 clans of Ireland or Scotland
  • used 0 wishes
  • had 0 hits on his webpage

See Also

Bouncywikilogo9
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about King Arthur.
Preceded by:
Boudica
Protector of the British Isles
356 - 1023
Succeeded by:
King Harold
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