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King Arthur is the famous Britishe king of Arthurian Legend, well-known as both a Protector of the Britishe Isles from people not usually considered to be Britons and the man responsible for the foundation of the aforementioned Arthurian Legend that was spoken of before.
During his possible reign from 356-1023AD (in which he may have been alive for some or all of the years credited to him), he is rumoured to have done a great many things, things involving swords and sorcery, wizards and warriors, and dungeons and dragons. As opposed to the current political malaise faced by the British Isles, wherein the most exciting political developments revolve around the nuances of the UK's involvement with the European Union or whether Tony Blair is a blackguard or merely a blighter, King Arthur's political developments revolved exclusively around sex and violence, and thus make for a rollicking good read.
A Kinge is Crowned, and There Was Much Rejoicing
Having watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail nearly a dozen times and seen some kind of special on the History Channel about his reign, Uncyclopedia can offer one of the most complete, accurate, and revisionist pictures of King Arthur that we are aware of.
We understand we should probably read more. File complaints here.
In any case, Arthur was once a peasant boy, and he was probably filthy, as all little boys in the Middle Ages invariably were. He may or may not have seen the Romans come and go from the Britishe Isles, though it's much more likely he watched them go. And go they did. Had he known that his future predecessor of the past, Boudicca, had perished trying to protect the Britishe Isles from the Romans, he might have applied himself a little bit more in Little Filthy Peasant Boy Academy.
As it was, he befriended a creepy old man known as Randy Merlin, esq., who taught him how to become a fish (among other things). Then, there was the matter of a sword stuck in a pile of dung, though it was left there on account of the awful smell. A different sword, one stuck in better-smelling stone, was then selected by pranksters as the One Sword to Unite Them All, though it is unclear who Them were. History, as it is, points to the Britons, though it could also be the Saxons, who were taking longer and longer holidays in Britain around this time.
Once he had secured the sword, Arthur proceeded to unite Them all, and conversely, Them were all too happy to crown him Kinge of Angle-land. So, at the tender age of 17 or so, Arthur found himself King of all he surveyed, and even things beyond his field of vision.
A More or Less Informed Take on The Knights of the Round Table and All of That
Every King needs his knights, or so it seems, and Arthur was no different. Was there some kind of knight sign-up that he orchestrated to attract the best knights in the land? Or, did he simply appoint his relatives and lackeys to choice positions?
Somebody knows. And that somebody may be you. Then why, exactly, are you reading this? Smart ass.
Regardless, after a time, Arthur assembled what was almost certainly a bunch of men with armor and swords. Due to the fact that he was an unimaginative git, the round table that they sat around, drank excessively and passed gas upon would bear their name. In conversations, it might sound a little like this:
Some Nobleman: So, what have you been up to?
Lancelot: Actually, I got a new job.
Some Nobleman: Really! Where are you working?
Lancelot: Over in Camelot.
Some Nobleman: Come again?
Lancelot: You know, for King Arthur. I'm part of his Round Table.
Some Nobleman: Really. That's great for you.
Lancelot: Yeah, it's not bad.
Some of these knights had names - famous names - like Sir Lancelot, Sir Gawain, Sir Didymus and Sir Not Appearing in this Article. And as sure as no one ever actually practiced the code of chivalry, they rode around the land doing various things, possibly for the benefit of ordinary citizens. For Arthur was a good king, not one of those bad ones, such as that Herod character in the Bible, or the nefarious King Friday. No, King Arthur was all about helping old women cross the street, holding the door open for you, and requiring your services annually to serve in his army after the harvest season concluded.
The Fall of King Arthur
Drinking. Womanizing. Some woman named Gweneveire. Or Geneveve. All these things, and perhaps the unchecked insanity of Merlin led to the ultimate downfall of Arthur and Camelot in general. When all was said and done, Arthur looked back on his reign and said thusly, "Well, it was a good run. I fucked a lot of hoes, capped a lot of mark-ass fools, and walked the pimp walk as it should be walked. Hear me well, my homies, and bury me with all the Cristal and Hennessey in the Kingdom."
King Arthur was survived by his son, Charlemagne, and his Mexican housemaid, Lupita.
Awards and Achievements
During his reign, King Arthur:
- was crowned 0 times
- launched 0 ships
- opened 0 supermarkets
- built 0 bridges
- fought 0 wars
- changed 0 religions
- died 0 times (sort of - he died before his reign really, not during it)
- got married once (sort of - see above)
- succeeded in the genocide of 0 clans of Ireland or Scotland
- used 0 wishes
- had 0 hits on his webpage
|Protector of the British Isles|
356 - 1023