King Arthur, more or less.

King Arthur is the famous British king of Arthurian Legend, well-known as both a Protector of the British Isles from people not usually considered to be Britons and the man responsible for the foundation of the aforementioned Arthurian Legend that was spoken of before as well as the inventor of the circle.


Born as Arthur Penpusher, son of Uther Pendragon and Igraine. Uther had sneaked into Igraine's furry bed whilst her husband was out bashing Saxons. His sister were Migraine who was also the mother of Arthur's only son Mordred. It was a tight family.

Possible reignEdit

During his possible reign from 400 AD, to 600, to never (more or less placing his mystic Christian reign as contemporaneous with Muhammad; and Xuanzang's Journey to the West). Arthur is rumoured to have done a great many strange things, things involving swords and sorcery, wizards and warriors, and dungeons and dragons. As opposed to the current political malaise faced by the British Isles, wherein the most exciting political developments revolve around the nuances of the UK's involvement with the European Union or whether Tony Blair is a blackguard or merely a blighter, King Arthur's political developments revolved exclusively around sex and violence, and thus make for a rollicking good read. Also with his Knights at The Round Dinner Table.

A Kinge is Crowned, and There Was Much RejoicingEdit


This is what King Arthur would look like if he was made out of metal, in this case bronze. Some cultures in the world make these sculptures, called "statues" so that they may one day fashion an unstoppable army made out of metal and stone.

In any case, Arthur was born the sole male heir to Uther Pendragon and Igraine thanks to the king's wizard wingman turning him into her husband; allowing for a night of surprise shape shifting sex. Uther went on to slay many more of his enemies until falling ill and riding into combat propped atop his horse; the half dead king still won the battle, but was killed by Saxons. As sole heir, Arthur was taken away and hidden from the eyes of the many warlords wishing to fill the vacant throne. He was raised as a squalid stable boy and squire to his adopted brother Sir Kay. Wart was probably filthy, as all little peasant boys in the Middle Ages invariably were and most gamers nowadays continue to be. He may or may not have seen the Romans come and go from the Britishe Isles, though it's much more likely he watched them withdraw. Had he known that his female forerunner, Boudicca, had perished trying to repel the Romans from the Britishe Isles, he might have gotten along better with all the women in his life whom didn't live in lakes.

As it was, he befriended a creepy old man known as Randy Merlin, esq., who taught him how to become a fish (among other oddities enabled by magic potions and learning to read). Then, there was the matter of a sword stuck in a pile of dung, though it was left there on account of the awful smell. A different sword, one stuck in better-smelling stone, was then selected by pranksters as the One Sword to Unite Them All, though it is unclear who Them were. History, as it is, points to the Britons, though it could also be the Saxons, who were taking longer and longer holidays in Britain around this time.

Once he had secured the sword, the boy king proceeded to Unite Them All, and conversely, Them were all too happy to crown him Kinge of Angle-land. So, at the tender age of 13 or so, Arthur found himself King of all he surveyed, and even things beyond his field of vision.

A More or Less Informed Take on The Knights of the Mesa Redonda and All of ThatEdit

Arthur and patsy

Patsy, what's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Every King needs his knights, or so it seems, and Arthur was no different. Was there some kind of knight sign-up that he orchestrated to attract the best knights in the land? Or, did he simply appoint his relatives and lackeys to choice positions?

Regardless, after a time, Arthur assembled what was almost certainly a bunch of men with armor and swords. Due to the fact that he was an unimaginative git, the round table that they sat around, drank excessively and passed gas upon would bear their name.

Some of these knights had names - famous names - like Sir Lancelot, Sir Gawain and Sir Didymus. And as sure as no one ever actually practiced the code of chivalry, they rode around the land doing various things, possibly for the benefit of ordinary citizens. For Arthur was a good king, not one of those bad ones, such as that Herod character in the Bible, or the nefarious kings such as King Friday, Larry King, and Nat King Cole. No, King Arthur was all about helping old women cross the street, holding the door open for you, and requiring your services annually to serve in his army after the harvest season concluded.

Fall of King ArthurEdit

Drinking. Womanizing. Some woman named Guinevere. All these things, and perhaps the unchecked insanity of Merlin led to the ultimate downfall of Arthur and Camelot in general. When all was said and done, Arthur looked back on his reign and said thusly, "Well, it was a good run. I fucked a lot of hoes, capped a lot of mark-ass fools, and walked the pimp walk as it should be walked. Hear me well, my homies, and bury me with all the Cristal and Hennessey in the Kingdom."

Well he was killed by his son Morbid whom he had fathered on a grouchy sister, the medieval predecessor of the modern Trailer Trash. King Arthur was survived by his son, Charlemagne, and his Mexican housemaid, Lupita.

See alsoEdit

Preceded by:
Protector of the British Isles
356 - 1023
Succeeded by:
King Harold