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“Dad? Is Bruce the Shark my real family?”
“Dad? Why are there no McDonald's in North Korea?”
“I'm a little despot, short and stout.”
Kim Jong-un, also referred to as "Kim Jong Number-Un", "Kim Jong-Uncyclopedia", "Launcher Of Failed Missiles", is the son of the world's greatest dictator of all time without a mustache, Kim Jong-il. He is the grandson of Kim Il-sung, the ever shining sun and zombie-president of North Korea, and now a future glorious dictator of the Awesomest Land in the World – The North Korean Sun Empire. He was born, somewhere someday, although the capitalist nations avoid imagining Kim Jong-il during coitus. It is assumed that Kim Jong-il's semen left his penis between 1982–1984. Possible songs played during the sex are Big in Japan, One night in Bangkok or (I just) died in your arms tonight. Kim Jong-un is known in North Korea as the greatest toy rocket shooter, and bans all toy rockets that will shoot higher than his home-made ones. His hobbies are to threaten world peace by firing his biggest rockets into the air and hoping they make it out of his backyard, among others.
Not much known about the life of Kim Jong-un. He was hidden by his father in Switzerland where he was forced to learn English, German, and a weird French accent. At the age of 14, he became sexually active after meeting a man inside a public toilet. He likes romantic nights by candles,walks upon sandy shores and mass executions. Rumors also surfaced that Kim Jong-un holds the Guinness World Record for "Fastest Poo Trajectory Speed" at Mach 2. As a young boy, he grew a great interest in toy rockets, and even to this day his toy rocket obsession is strong.
“The world's most dangerous projectile, is not a bullet or an arrow but Kim Jong-un's poo.”
edit The Prophecy
His father slowly began melting in the sun, so he decided it was time to present his son to the curious people all over the world. North Korea experts expected Ils first sun, Kim Jong-nomnomnom. But he made him self unpopular while visiting Disney Land in Tokyo and puking all over Space Mountain. Kim Jong-girl, the second son of Il, is also not good enough for a political career in the glory country of North Korea. Instead of him, Il appointed his more masculine sister to the political comitee. Nevertheless, the leader of North Korea needs a penis, even if its a short one! So Kim Jong-un is the only guy whos left to take the lead after his father will be gone.
As long Il is still alive, Un will get control over the army and learn how to domineer people that are less powerful then himself. After everybody in his country is afraid of him, he will take charge of the korean nucular program. He will bother the southern neighbour with subterranean atomic bombs just to shake the country and ruin there dishes in the cupboards.
After his dad will be dead, he will appoint the army to Jean-Claude Van Damme, who will be renamed to Kim Jong-Claude. The main function of Un will then be organizing oversized military parades where the most beautiful potraits of him and his ancestors are shown. The painter of the best portrait is allowed to look ten minutes over the south korean border.
At February 2010, a 5000 year old song was found in an old cellar in Pjöngjang which is definitively glorifies the birth and leadership of Kim Jong-un. All children learned this song — spontaneously and without being forced in any way! The song says, that Un will reunite Korea as a communistic paradise for every human, except Americans. The USA will be banned from the Earth and sent to space just by his will!
edit How he came to power
His father, glorious emperor Kim Jong-Il, died from a terrible heart attack. He publicly announced that all people in country need to show up on main square and divide themselves in groups of 10. They will be given 10 straws, but one is shorter than others. It is a sad day for a person who takes out shortest straw, because he will live, and the other ones will be sacrificed in glory of their great emperor. He also promised a new, clear future for North Korea.
edit A New Hope
It seems that we have lost. North Korea will crush us all and we'll live in suffer and pain. But there is hope! According to a boy in Switzerland who was visiting the same class, Un likes Basketball and Michael Jordan. SO maybe he can be tempered down with a special edition of Space Jam on DVD.
edit Death (so far, everyone else's)
Kim Jong-Un's unheroic looks haven't stopped the 'fat kid' from unleashing threats and throwing tantrums. In 2012, his navy sank the South Korean fishing fleet when they crossed into disputed waters after a mackerel with a poor sense of orientation.
In 2013, Kim had ex-girlfriend Hyon Song-wol and her mates executed by firing squad when their home movies were leaked to China, showing a lot of free boobage. Elsewhere, this would have made them TV stars, like Kim Kardashian (no relation). But in North Korea, it made them corpses. Pudge gave a verdict of Guilt-by-Association regarding anyone related to the victims. Lynch mobs around the world could only watch and wish.
In December 2013, Kim had family mentor and rival for power Kim Jong Uncle executed. The news broke on what was the 12th to most readers in the English-speaking world, but it was certainly Friday the 13th for Uncle.
In the early months of January 2014, news began to leak of the death of Kim Jong-Il. The world listened for news with anticipation, which was met with a statement from Mr. Kim himself
|I'm not dead. My personal friend and bodyguard, Jong-Win, was mistakenely seen as myself and in effect was killed. American operatives began jumping and spinning on the spot, one firing his sniper rifle without even looking down his scope.|
- Kim Jong-Un
The death of Kim's bodyguard later went without any repurcussions from the regime.
edit See Also
|Dictators and Tyrants|
|Adolf Hitler ~ Bashar al-Assad ~ Chairman Mao ~ Fidel Castro ~ Imelda Marcos ~ Josef Stalin ~ Kim Il-Sung ~ Kim Jong-il ~ Kim Jong-un ~ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ~ Muammar Gaddafi ~ Osama Bin Laden ~ Lee Kuan Yew ~ Robert Mugabe ~ Saddam Hussein ~ Vladimir Putin|