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“I'm a little despot, short and stout.”
Kim Jong-un, also referred to as Kim Jong Number-Un and Launcher Of Failed Missiles, is the son of the world's greatest dictator of all time without a mustache, Kim Jong-il. He is the grandson of Kim Il-sung, the ever-shining sun and zombie-president of North Korea, and a future glorious dictator of the Awesomest Land in the World – The Korean Sun Empire.
The location and date of Kim Jong-un's birth is unknown because enemies of The People's Republic of Korea (over which he reigns) avoid imagining Kim Jong-il during coitus, but it is assumed that he did the deed while listening to Big in Japan, One night in Bangkok or (I just) died in your arms tonight. Kim Jong-un is known in North Korea as the greatest toy rocket shooter, and bans all toy rockets that will shoot higher than his home-made ones. He often likes to threaten world peace by firing his biggest rockets into the air and hoping they make it out of his backyard.
Kim Jong-un was hidden by his father in Switzerland, where he was forced to learn English, German, and a weird French accent. At the age of 14, a man with a large overcoat inside a public toilet introduced him to romantic candle-lit dinners, walks upon sandy shores and mass executions. Kim Jong-un holds the Guinness World Record for "Fastest Poo Trajectory Speed" at Mach 2. As a young boy, he grew a great interest in toy rockets, and even to this day his toy rocket obsession is strong.
edit The Prophecy
Kim Jong-un's father slowly began melting in the sun, so he decided it was time to present his son to the curious people all over the world. North Korea experts expected Kim Jong-Il's first son, Kim Jong-nam to succeed his father but 'Nam' disgraced himself to his family while visiting Disneyland in Tokyo and puking all over Space Mountain. Kim McJong-girl, the second son of Il, is also not good enough for a political career in the glory country of North Korea and now lives in Scotland as Ruth Davidson. Nevertheless, the leader of North Korea needs a penis, even if it's a short one! So Kim Jong-un was the only person left to take the lead after his father was gone.
When Kim Jong-Il was still alive, Kim Jong-un had control over the army and learnt how to dominate people who are less powerful than him. Once everybody in his country is afraid of him, he will take charge of the Korean nuclear program and bother his southern neighbour with subterranean atomic bombs just to shake the country and ruin their crockery.
When he took power, he appointed his previous position as leader of the army to Jean-Claude Van Damme, who was renamed to Kim Jong-Claude. The main function of Un is now organizing oversized military parades where the most beautiful potraits of him and his ancestors are shown. The painter of the best portrait is allowed to look ten minutes over the south Korean border.
On February 2010, a 5000 year old song was found in an old cellar in Pjöngjang which pays definitive homage to the birth and leadership of Kim Jong-un. All children learned this song — spontaneously and without being forced in any way! The song says that Un will reunite Korea as a communistic paradise for every human, except Americans. The USA will be banned from the Earth and sent to space just by his will!
edit Ascension to power
His father, glorious emperor Kim Jong-Il, died from a terrible heart attack. He publicly announced that all people in country need to show up on main square and divide themselves in groups of 10. They will be given 10 straws, but one is shorter than others. It is a sad day for a person who takes out shortest straw, because he will live, and the other ones will be sacrificed in glory of their great emperor. He also promised a new, clear future for North Korea.
edit A New Hope
It seems that we have lost. North Korea will crush us all and we'll live in suffering and pain. But there is hope! According to a boy in Switzerland who was visiting the same class, Kim likes Basketball and Michael Jordan. However, his favorite basketball player in the world is Dennis Rodman. Rodman, whom Kim assumed to be President Obama upon first sight, has swiftly become Kim's right hand man and personal maid, cook, plummer, powder room assailant, lover, among other things.
To promote peace between North Korea and the U.S.A., Kim and Rodman organized a basketball game between former NBA players and North Korean basketball stars, with Kim himself manning the point-guard position. It didn't end well, however. Though Kim might have been the guard, his only real experience with guards is calling them in to behead generals. This play is not found in the NBA rulebook, and Kim failed to reach the basket even once and wound up threatening a missile strike. He had to be taken off the court as a basket case. Kim is finished as a basketball star, but to everyone else's delight, he will remain in the public spotlight as a gifted and enthusiastic dictator.
edit North Korean war on food
Kim recently declared a war on food in North Korea. It has been reported that North Korea's McDonalds, as well as it's Crispy Creme Donuts and Chipotle restaurants have had a shortage of food as of late. Nobody knows the reason for this, but restaurant workers say a stout midget with a black hairpiece has recently been entering their stores with a large garbage bag and had ordered very large amounts of food. Kim cannot deal with this and has officially declared a war on food. Little did he know that he infact caused this food shortage.
edit Death (so far, everyone else's)
Kim Jong-Un's unheroic looks haven't stopped the 'fat kid' from unleashing threats and throwing tantrums. In 2012, his navy sank the South Korean fishing fleet when they crossed into disputed waters after a mackerel with a poor sense of orientation.
In 2013, Kim had ex-girlfriend Hyon Song-wol and her mates executed by firing squad when their home movies were leaked to China, showing a lot of free boobage. Elsewhere, this would have made them TV stars, like Kim Kardashian (no relation). But in North Korea, it made them corpses. Pudge gave a verdict of Guilt-by-Association regarding anyone related to the victims. Lynch mobs around the world could only watch and wish.
In December 2013, Kim had family mentor and rival for power Kim Jong Uncle executed. The news broke on what was the 12th to most readers in the English-speaking world, but it was certainly Friday the 13th for Uncle.
In the early months of January 2014, news began to leak of the death of Kim Jong-Il. The world listened for news with anticipation, which was met with a statement from Mr. Kim himself
|“||I'm not dead. My personal friend and bodyguard, Jong-Win, was mistakenly seen as myself and in effect was killed. American operatives began jumping and spinning on the spot, one firing his sniper rifle without even looking down his scope.||”|
The death of Kim's bodyguard later went without any repercussions from the regime.
edit On New Heights
In April 2014, Kim
was airlifted climbed the highest mountain in North Korea. He was accompanied by his personal army and baby. For Kim's own safety, anyone on the mountain at the time his helicopter he arrived at the top was thrown off the side. He was photographed in many dictator-esque poses before he was flown off left to climb back down the mountain.
edit Family deaths
Kim Jong-un was
overjoyed saddened at the death of his elder brother Kim Jong 'Fat Bear'-Nam died from inhaling Vietnamese perfume whilst waiting for a plan in Malaysia. Two women have since been arrested for the deadly assault. Both claim it was a YouTube prank gone wrong and not an assassination. Kim has asked Malaysia to return his brother's body so that it can be stuffed and placed inside North Korea's Enemies of the Revolutionary Patriotic Korean People museum, alongside other family members and ex-girlfriends of Kim Jong-un.
edit See Also
|Dictators and Tyrants|
|Adolf Hitler ~ Bashar al-Assad ~ Chairman Mao ~ Fidel Castro ~ Imelda Marcos ~ Josef Stalin ~ Kim Il-Sung ~ Kim Jong-il ~ Kim Jong-un ~ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ~ Muammar Gaddafi ~ Osama Bin Laden ~ Lee Kuan Yew ~ Robert Mugabe ~ Saddam Hussein ~ Vladimir Putin|