Kim (sexy barista)

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“God, she must smell like mango-flavored peaches”
~ Men on Kim's flawless personal hygene
“She's so hot she's making me sexist. Bitch!”
~ Bret McKenzie
“I would fuck her hot ass and cum on her gorgeous face”
~ <insert name here> on Kim .


Kim1

"Hi! I won't be dating you!"

Kimberly Arnolda Young (or simply Kim)[1] is a sexy barista, working for the Starbucks Corporation. Born in a town no one ever remembers, Kim made her way to Starbucks after a string of similar positions, including employment with The Gap, American Eagle and Borders Books. Since then, Kim settled in a one bedroom apartment, procured a cat for companionship, and thoroughly disregards her raw sexiness.[2] Coincidentally, Kim is the most highly-tipped server at her Starbucks location.

The sultry allure of that stupid Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt pressed between her work smock and the rest of her drives shy, artistic losers crazy on a daily basis. These losers often contemplate suicide. Often. Very, regularly, often.

The male loser population that comes in contact with Kim can be broken down into two categories: those who admit defeat before trying, and those who admit defeat after failing. The outcome for each is nearly identical. Be it the polite let-down or the fateful glimpse of the complete asshole Kim is currently dating: the once-fanciful and love-struck male mind will turn to thoughts of instant seppuku. Kim's oblivion makes the knife that much sharper.

An Introduction to Kim

Kim grew up somewhere. This is a fact, as Kim is no longer an adolescent. However, the only people who know the location of this growth period are women. There has never been a single man worthy of his maypole that has listened to Kim's back-story. While Kim talks about the siblings she may or may not have, the farm she might've visited in the summertime, or the possible family trips to Mount Rushmore, there is but one solitary thought upon the male receiver's mind:

Kim2

Doomed.

Cquote1 God, she must smell like mango-flavored peaches Cquote2

No one knows that the hell a mango-flavored peach is. Perhaps it's some sort of mango fruit, miraculously imbued with a full-bodied peach flavoring. In reality, it doesn't matter. The words are a mere formality; a group of mental fragments hastily strung together, attempting in vane to express the pure hotness of this angelic coffee girl.

This is the progression of a fearless gent. A man who, though he knows there is no possible way this woman will be receptive to his advances, chooses to advance regardless. He is a righteous brother, and this author commends his soul, and his super bad-ness. While the already defeated comic book nerd will affix his eyes to the cash register and order his cappuccino under muttered breath, the bold and brazen metal geek soldiers on through the minefield.

"So, what can I get for ya?"

This question catches the bold loser off guard. "Quick!" he shouts within his mind. "Stop thinking about what it would be like to hold her close on a cold winter's morning! It's time to order the coffee that you have no interest in drinking!"[3] While the quiet, inherently sad loser already has his drink order ready, the delusional bold suitor clumsily fumbles down the overhead menu, eventually making his halfhearted decision. His interaction with Kim is nearing it's end; time to lay it all on the line.

As he digs through his pockets for $3.29, the bold man readies his plan of attack. It will be direct. It will be normal. It will not make this vision of beauty think that he wants to secretly smell her undergarments while she's sleeping. Later that night, in an apartment, two naked bodies were entertwined. He smiles, sexily. Kim giggles, blushing. Empty condom wrappers lay all over the floor. A torn Starbucks shirt covered the man's butt... As he took a deep breath to start making love again, Kim smiled and said...

The Proposal

After the romantic element is introduced, Kim prepares for the eminent shutdown. There is no contemplation or consideration, nor is there ever even a glimmer of question in Kim's mind as to whether or not she'll accept this man's affection. Mathematically, Kim's equation reads: Kim = No. Because of this, some experts argue that the shyer, muted individuals who fall for Kim are actually better off in the long run. They narrowly avoid the heartache of the brazen man's endeavors.

Though there are many variations, the shut-down generally manifests itself in one of two ways.

Kim3

Why Kim? by Arthur Logan (pictured above)

Shutdown Plan A

Like a lilting flower, delicate and unassuming, Kim kindly tells this bold gentleman to get lost. This is achieved via indicator messages, such as "you're a really nice guy," "we can definitely be friends," or "the boner you're sporting leaves much to be desired."[4]

As Kim belongs to a kindly strain of aesthetic superiority, this is the more gentle brush-off. And in comparison to its alternative, Shutdown Plan A is often the more desired pitfall.

Shutdown Plan B

Plan B involves very few words. In fact, when it is Kim's will, Plan B can involve no words whatsoever. All Plan B requires is a simple point of Kim's index finger, in the direction of a man named Spyder.

That's correct. Spyder. On job applications, this monumental human being writes the name "Spyder." Covered from head-to-toe in tattoos and piercings, Spyder sits by himself at a corner table with a perfect view of the counter, patiently waiting for situations that call for the Plan B Shutdown. The true image of everything the average loser feels is wrong with his existence, coming to fruition in the middle of Starbucks. In this instant, Kim makes it known that Spyder is in fact, her boyfriend.

Plan B is painful. Plan B is the plan that makes that average loser spill boiling hot water directly into his lap just to calm down. Plan B is the bane of the dweeb existence; the thorn in the craw of compassionate men everywhere.

Continuation

Both plans cause great distress to Johnny Averageseed. As such, Kim has been classified as "Potentially Dangerous" by the Ad Council for Human Health Relations.[5]

But, like the losers they are, many of these men choose to continue their patronage of Kim's Starbuck's location, just view her perfect features once more. And though they know they'll eventually end up with a fat girl, these men endure. Waking up once more, if only for the comforting embrace of Kim, somewhere in the depths of their minds.

Annotations

  1. But NEVER Kimmy. She hates that.
  2. Which of course, only makes her hotter.
  3. Studies have confirmed that 58% of men who enter Kim's Starbucks have a slight or strong disdain for coffee and other coffee-related productions.
  4. The latter is a rare case, generally reserved for those men who actually have erections at the time.
  5. Co-chaired by Michelle Obama.

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