# Kill

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Killing was happily discovered in mid-1930's by Doctor Cain Killing (well done for that), who also invented the lie by lying about his name in the first place and coined the world killing hence to not let the world forget how uber-great he was. It was obvious that the public wouldn't come to see people standing on hoses and trains coming out of tunnels anymore; this is why, for the second time in history, the World Trust For Problems With Not Earning Dollars (WTFPWNED) met. After about two months of debating and drinking more than twenty seven thousand litres of coffee, vodka and other boosting liquids, Someone finally said 'Jesus, we're screwed.'. These noble words started Wilhelm's train of thought, which was as follows:

$Jesus - Christ - bananas - monkeys + japan \times mosquitos + terrorists - university of Cambridge + vodka + kittens - puppys - honeymoon - \sqrt{ \mbox{tom cruise} + b - 4a \sqrt{ \delta * \epsilon * \bigodot}} - Jesus = Kill$

The Conception Of Movies About Killing (COMAK) was announced shortly after its invention, and said to be used as soon as possible. Using the standard trick of suspense, Hollywood made people see every movie coming out and kept them in anticipation for 93 years, finally releasing the first movie about killing, The Matrix, in 1999. The tension was so great, it earned more than \$27bilion in the first weekend. After not more than two weeks everyone on earth had seen it at least twice, giving 16 dollars of income. Of course, it was still not enough for Hollywood, and the WTFPWNED was gathered again; after short discussion the bigwigs decided to travel back in time, there finding a lot of new audience, and making the income grow and grow, quickly making its way to infinity. One of the spectators, called Kain, felt so deeply impressed with the movie, he decided to share his feelings with his brother, Abel. Unfortunately Abel was eating breakfast by this time and choked on some bacon after hearing the inspired news, which caused his death. 'Just like in the movie' thought Kain, thus becoming the first man to kill. Being very emotional, he shared this experience too, causing the tracks of history to change enormously, and become just as we know it now.

## Tools for Killing

Some tools used for killing are pencils, notebooks and pie. Just follow the directions as used and tada!

## Fun for the family

Killing is a great family activity, especially for particularly large families where you cannot afford all your children. It's just so adorable the way that children kill each other. My 8-year-old son tried to kill his 16-year old sister with a spoon! It was a great laugh. Obviously my daughter disemboweled my son with a knife. It really is one of the best ways to spend quality time with the family!If you can read this-You found a secret! (Go look in 'News' Next)

For full details, consult our guide - HowTo: Commit The Perfect Murder

## Killing in science

Before Hollywood's travel in time, after watching the revolutionary movie for twenty seven times over and over again a team of computer science & mathematics geeks succeeded to reveal that basically,

$\mbox{to kill} = {\left ( \mbox{give birth}\right)}^{-1}$.

That theory caused a great wave of suicides among men all over the world, because it is a well known fact, that when it comes to something connected with giving birth, men can't do shit. The crisis was mitigated by another reaserch that said that

$\mbox{a man} = \mbox{actually} {\left ( \mbox{a woman}\right)}^{-1}$, which implicates the fact that men can do ${\left ( \mbox{things that women can do}\right)}^{-1}$, and, in the end, that men can kill. The joy was so great, about ten thousand people were killed almost instantly. Still, all this research and stuff didn't ever happen, because shortly after it happend, Kain killed Abel in the past, and everything in the presence, being now the past, or the future, if you read this from a spacecraft that travels faster than light for more than seven minutes, has changed. Aliens came and touched the planet and devoured all life forms.

## Reasons for Killing

There are many reasons for the wanton destruction of your fellow human beings. For one, they take up a lot of valuable space, and waste precious oxygen with their cries of "DON'T KILL ME, I WANT TO LIVE! LIVE!!!". Secondly, they've been known to log onto internet repositories of utterly factual information, and pollute it with articles like these. Thirdly, killing is an excellent method of exerting aggression in a manner that is safe, productive, and state-approved. Why, there are few things more satisfying than coming home after a long day hacking through fibrous muscle, hardy bone, and yielding brain matter! Really, nothing is more American than killing! And if you're not American, then you're a communist! Be careful of tesseracts. They will kill you.