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Kidney stones are diabolical masses of pure evil manifested in the form of a tiny rock-like object that a demon forms within the human kidney for the sole purpose of driving the victim into selling their soul to the Devil in an effort to stop the pain.
Anyone can get a kidney stone, even off Ebay, however, purchased ones don't quite have the same effect (which is not a bad thing). If given the choice, buying a kidney stone is much more advisable to growing your own.
People living in the Middle East are 200%-250% more prone to kidney stones than Americans. This obviously proves that obesity cures kidney stones and Burger King should be considered a medical clinic.
Kidney stones are tiny deposits of minerals that slowly form over time as more pieces are added by demons. Water hampers their efforts, as it tends to wash away the particles before they can be adequately assembled. This is why demons promote the consumption of diabolic beverages such as coffee and carbonated soft drinks, as the caffeine causes you to pee more, thus resulting in dehydration, thus making their job easier.
Kidney stones are usually made out of calcium oxalate, but could also be calcium phosphate, cystine, barbed wire, or molten lava.
Stones can form and pass without the victim ever being aware of their presence, they only cause pain and problems when they manage to grow large enough. Problematic stones can range anywhere from 2-3 millimeters to 12 kilometers across.
They can take on several different shapes, from a brick to a sea urchin, depending on just how evil your demon is.
- Entering fetal position
- Yearning for the serenity of peaceful demise
- Inability to pee (due to blockage)
- Peeing blood, pus, fire, or demon spawn
edit Causes and cures
Kidney stones are handcrafted by demons spawned from the deepest burning pits of hell, unleashed into the world. They are quite literally, pieces of hell on Earth, as any victim will attest.
Peeing less than one liter a day (due to dehydration) increases your risk of acquiring stones, so if a police officer catches you pissing in public, tell him you are doing it for your health and Uncyclopedia told you to.
While drinking water can help prevent kidney stones, it cannot cure them once they are already there. Attempting to do so anyway will just make the demons laugh and poke your innards with pitchforks, unless it is Holy water you are drinking, then they will laugh and point from a distance (it might also keep vampires away).
Although doctors can break down larger stones, or remove them if necessary, this will not stop the demons from putting them back, bigger and pokier than before. The only real cure is an exorcism.
edit Famous kidney stones
- Archeologists discovered a kidney stone in a 6000 year-old mummy. Since dehydration is an important part of the mummification process, this actually makes perfect sense.
- It is believed that Osama Bin Laden suffered from kidney stones. He may also have had rocks in his head, a similar, yet unrelated malady. Apparently they neglected to remove any rocks during his autopsy under the assumption that they would help him sink properly in his new grave.
- There is some unverifiable speculation that the Ten Commandments were written on two of God's kidney stones. There is also some speculation that some speculators are idiots.
- Link from The Legend of Zelda had a magic one that detected hidden holes in the ground aptly called the "Stone of Agony".