Kevin Trudeau

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Illuminati Seal FNORD!
This article is too close to the TRUTH!
Citizens should begin to feel uneasy or bemused now. Fnord.

Kevin Trudeau (born February 6, 1963) is a world-renowned medical doctor and politician. He has served, at different times, as president of the American Medical Association, the Federal Trade Commission and the Food and Drug Administration. He is an outspoken advocate for the medical practices of surgery and the use of pharmaceuticals to help cure disease, even though these practices are currently not mainstream.

Trudeau has published numerous books on his beliefs, including Chemotherapy: Why Does it Work Better for Cancer than Oxygen Supplements? (Clue: It Doesn't!!) and Exercise and Good Diet--The Fundamentals of Successful Weight Loss. He also wrote a book that shocked the world titled From Ass Candling to Natural Cures: The A to Z of Modern Stupidity. The publishing of the latter was suppressed internationally by snake oil salesmen and chiropractors.

Trudeau was awarded the 2003 Nobel Prize in Medicine or Physiology for his work on finding a cure for cancer. The Nobel Prize in Medicine or Physiology is annually presented in a very covert ceremony, so not to alert Alternative Medicine governing bodies and avoid prosecution. This did not work out. He was prosecuted.

edit Background

edit Childhood

At an early age, Trudeau displayed brilliance. Able to read at 3 weeks of age, he performed his first human kidney transplant at age four and one year later he independently discovered a tuberculosis vaccine. Since his parents owned a large library, Trudeau was able to read on nearly every subject. He discovered such authors as Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Louis Pasteur, Alex Chiu, and James Watson all of whom were widely discredited for their views on nature.

When he was six years old, having already read works of Galileo and Nicolas Copernicus, he independently developed a theory of gravity, reaching the same result as Newton. Trudeau wrote letters to the National Air and Sky Association (NASA) and the European Sky Association (ESA) in an attempt to convince them that the earth can't be flat, and that the earth can't be the centre of the universe. As these were (and still are) the popular beliefs, his letters were ignored and his house egged by prominent members of NASA and ESA. Then good morning america interveiwed him at 7:00 am after he refused a unlive interview.

At age eight, Trudeau wrote letters to various countries' energy departments. He made the astonishing claim that "free energy" and perpetual motion machines could not actually function, much less provide electricity for countries, despite the fact that every country had always wanted stupid ass ideas like that to work and deep down knew that other stupid ass ideas such as curing disease with a homogeneous substance in a pill probably were just unrealistic. He further explained that this was the reason why residents' lights and electrical appliances never worked, and diseases are never cured. Numerous replies, written in crayon, stated that the machines were under maintenance, and that this was the reason for the lack of power.

edit Late childhood

By age eleven, Trudeau had read and memorized the entire contents of his parents library; he had started a covert clinic and profit cutter to treat money mongering assholes to a taste of their own "medicine"; and he had performed countless operations, both on humans and animals; he had discovered the cure for the common cold (not getting it). He realized that Alternative Medicine was the answer to the health problems faced by humans, and so he established "Alternative Medicine," as an alternative to Non-alternative Medicine. As a result, Trudeau was scorned by both the plain asshole and the asshole medicine community, and he was forced to move to Siberia for a few years, as he received many death threats from doctors who knew that conventional Non-alternative medicine at the time such as bloodletting, castration, having your apendix removed, and artificial chemicals would cure all maladies. In those few years, Siberia quickly became a hub for those physicians and scientists trying to "break away" from current popular science.

edit As of Today......

Kevin Trudeau is preparing to take over the corporate world by unleashing an army of clones to enslave and eternally damn pharmaceutical manufacturers in his unique smug cowboy way. The media who is currently sponsored by these pharma giants have released some negative PR to stop him from cutting their funds. You might want to read his book.

Personal tools
projects