Kevin Trudeau

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Kevin Trudeau (born February 6, 1963) is a world-renowned medical doctor and politician. He has served, at different times, as president of the American Medical Association, the Federal Trade Commission and the Food and Drug Administration. With Bill Gates, Trudeau is an outspoken advocate for the well-being of all peoples, a discloser of numerous things that "they" don't want you to know, and has donated his considerable fortune to world public health.

Trudeau has published numerous books on personal improvement, including Lose Twenty Pounds in Twenty Day! - The Fundamentals of Successful Weight Loss In Prison. He also wrote a book that used by legal council world-wide, "Megamemory: How to say you don't remember while claiming to be a memory champion".

Trudeau was awarded the 2003 Nobel Prize in Medicine or Physiology for his work on finding a cure for cancer, but he declined the award saying that his best work was still ahead.

edit Background

edit Childhood

Trudeau was born in Scotland to a fashion model mother and a traveling salesman father. At an early age, Trudeau displayed brilliance. Able to read at 3 years of age, he performed his first human kidney transplant at age ten and one year later he synthesized a tuberculosis vaccine from his sister's bile. When he was twelve years old he independently developed a theory of gravity, reaching the same result as Newton. Trudeau wrote letters to the National Air and Sky Association (NASA) and the European Sky Association (ESA) in an attempt to convince them that the earth can't be flat, and that the earth can't be the centre of the universe. As these were the popular beliefs, his letters were first ignored but then later embraced.

In 1982, Trudeau wrote letters to various countries' energy departments. He made the astonishing claim that "free energy" and perpetual motion machines could not actually function, much less provide electricity for countries, despite the fact that every country had always wanted stupid ass ideas like that to work and deep down knew that other stupid ass ideas such as curing disease with a homogeneous substance in a pill probably were just unrealistic. He further explained that this was the reason why residents' lights and electrical appliances never worked, and diseases are never cured. Numerous replies, written in crayon, stated that the machines were under maintenance, and that this was the reason for the lack of power.

edit Late childhood

By age thirty, Trudeau had read and memorized the entire contents of his parents wallets; he had started a covert clinic and profit cutter to treat money mongering assholes to a taste of their own "medicine"; and he had performed countless operations, both on humans and animals; he had discovered the cure for the common cold (not getting it). He realized that Alternative Medicine was the answer to the health problems faced by humans, and so he established "Alternative Medicine," as an alternative to Non-alternative Medicine. As a result, Trudeau was scorned by both the plain asshole and the asshole medicine community, and he was forced to move to Siberia for a few years, as he received many death threats from doctors who knew that conventional Non-alternative medicine at the time such as bloodletting, castration, having your apendix removed, and artificial chemicals would cure all maladies. In those few years, Siberia quickly became a hub for those physicians and scientists trying to "break away" from current popular science.

edit As of today

Kevin Trudeau is preparing to take over the corporate world by unleashing an army of flowers that will change the hearts and minds of all, as documented in his books, How to Find Love in the Cell Next Door and Things "They" Don't Want You to Know — "they" in this case being the jailers.

Personal tools
projects