Kevin Nash

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Dieselsun

Kevin Nash accepting his academy award as 'The Petrol Engine' aka 'Diesel'

Claire Nash, also known as The Super Entity Known as Diesel, Gpd (the typo is intentional), and the Human Shovel, is the pioneer of such versatile wrestling moves as the Quad tearer and the 'right forearm'. Under the pseudonym 'Jason Lynch's Mother,' he also saved the adult entertainment industry. Tim Robbins is not a good actor, but Kevin Nash, however, is. Actor Billy Bob Thorton once declared Nash to be 'twice the size of Texas.' Shortly thereafter, Bruce Willis was sent to land on Nash and blow him up.

edit The Early Years

Claire Nash is one of the few babies ever to be born through immaculate conception. As his parents both were truck drivers, they were too high from the fumes to get a fuck about fucking. However they decided to call him Diesel as a tribute to their long addiction. Tragically, he tore his quad upon being delivered from the womb. The other two were clearly the untouchable Hey Zoe, and the lead singer from Saint Vitus. The second one. His parents knew from an early age he was special, because as soon as he said something hundreds of thousands of people would gather to praise his work. When he was three years old he joined the Marines, becoming the youngest killing machine in the history of killing machines. Secretly, he invaded Vietnam before the war kicked off. The Americans were winning that war for years, but they decided they would pull Kevin Nash out. Big mistake.

At the age of seven Kevin changed his name to Jonty. Upon collecting a fish from the supermarket he returned his name to Kevin 'The' Nash.

Ten years old and with no direction, Nash decided that it was time to create a number of action television series that would go down in history as the greatest TV shows ever, and he would even be the main star! Sadly however; he ended up killing off most of his fellow cast members during fight scenes due to his Godly powers. The survivors went on to form the cast of M.A.S.H while he would go on to sleep with a bunch of chics at Studio 54.

edit His early career

It didn't take long for Nash to come to the realization that the only people who could offer him a challenge in this whole wide world were the megastar wrestlers in the WWF. So he decided to become a wrestler and work his way up the ladder by jumping into WCW, which at the time sucked. The attitude really was 'innovate, don't imitate' for Nash. He debuted such unique gimmicks as 'Oz' and 'Vinny Vegas' setting the wrestling world on fire. Meanwhile he found two men who rivaled his powers as a champion of great. These men were named Diamond Dallas Page and the Diamond Studd, otherwise known as Scott Hall. The three men decided that they would form a faction and beat up people that weren't as great as them. This was called the Diamond Exchange. Or the Diamond Collection. Or... it really doesn't matter what it was called. Let's call it Cool People of With Alcohol Addictions.

edit DIESEL POWERS!!! OMGZORZ!!!!

In 1993, Kevin Nash came upon the Sword of Omens, a rare and powerful sword once belonging to Lion-O. He also came upon a powerful flute that would later be held by the Green Ranger. When he combined these two blades he formed the most magical artifact ever known to man. This artifact transformed Kevin Nash into an entity of pure power that could only be known as 'Diesel'. Wow.

In less than a year and a half he had won every title in the WWF at the time, and wrestled in the WWF's Survivor Series PPV event. No one could stop him because he was a mega-giant of powers unknown to man. Not even the mega-force known as Bob Backlund proved an advisory! He defeated Bob Backlund at Madison Square Garden in 1995 in a match Dave Meltzer called "Bitchin". It was only 8 seconds long, actually it was only .1348589 seconds long, but he had to slow down time so that everyone could see what he had done to the superhuman ancient known only as Bob Backlund. He proceeded to skip around the arena afterwards, suggesting he was on... well, probably oil. To this day it is the only match to be awarded the Wrestling observers 10 star award. The entity known as Diesel continued to defend his title against many talented wrestlers, and in time he had healed the evil poison that was left behind by old timers and evil villains who we will not name for legal issues. But we will say that they weren't quite as cool as Diesel and yellow and red is not black and silver. Also, he came out with that Playboy star that would later marry Kid Rock. You see, Diesel could do anything. Even a plastic whore.

It was a memorable title reign until he lost the title to Bret Hart in a 5 star classic. It became quite clear that this entity known as Bret "The Hitman" Hart was infact the greatest thing ever, even better than Diesel. Millions flocked to the side of Hart and worshipped his greatness. We believe perhaps that this is due to the loss of the Green Dragon Flute that Diesel relied on for his strength, which at this time had fallen into the hands of some punk from California named Tommy. Dieselthen Decided to face The Undertaker. He lost that match at Wrestlemania after powerbombing Taker several times. He realized he couldn't beat Taker because he was no longer Diesel, and that he had reverted back to the form of Kevin Nash. So he decided to go to WCW where he would at least receive more money.

Nash promised he would come back and kissed Vince on the forehead.

edit The WCW Years

Kevin Nash joined his former friend Scott Hall, and they beat the shit out of sub-par ancient wrestlers who had held them down years earlier. This was a revenge tactic, and a means of making a statement that these two men were in fact far surperior over the likes of Macho Man Randy Savage and that Narcissist dude. Lex whatshis face. The mad one. Well, anyway. They continued this reign of surpremecy for a month or two. Sadly an evil known as Hulk Hogan decided he would steal their spotlight. That was okay though, because even though he was a lacky he was still beating up a lot of people with his buddy Hall and that made him happy. It made me happy too. It was becoming clearly evident that Hall and Nash were actually cooler than Hogan, and that the Outsiders weren't even really a part of Hogan's legion but just two dudes that wanted to beat people up and be cool. So, Nash decided that he was going to leave Hogan and form his own group called nWo Wolfpac. A lot of would-be gangsters joined this group. Well, actually only one did. And they put Macho Man in there as well as Sting and Lex Luger. I can only assume that they wanted to be half as great as Nash, so they surrounded themselves around him like the planets around the Sun. Actually, Kevin Nash in Diesel form is the Sun. It's true.

So, Kevin Nash as we all know would go on to become great and all that stuff because he beat that bald hairy dude. The one that looked like Stone Cold. Well, anyway Kevin Nash beat him and won the title. Everything after that is null and void because Kevin Nash erased history. He said "Scott, we need to do something about this. We've got Hulk Hogan running around with a durag and a flannel jacket trying to be hip. What are we going to do about this?" and Hall just looked at Nash and said "Hey man, screw it. Let's just kill the company and go back to New York." and that's what they did. In 1999, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall combined their powers with DDP, and they killed WCW, mainly through their newly established earth-moving business. Many corpses were rumored to be under the ring at WCW.

edit The Return to WWF

Hall and Nash returned to WWF in 2002. They decided they wanted to beat more people, and he even got the chance to beat up Hulk Hogan after all those years of acting like his stooge. Nash recruited this little dude named X-Pac, and then he said "Okay, let's just combine all the cool in the world and recruit Shawn Michaels." and Hall just said "Okay chico." but Hall got drunk on a plane and that was really sad so he had to leave. How horrible! He had to leave! That drunk! That drug addicted felon! That Vince guy ended up sticking Nash with Booker T, Golddust, Ric Flair, and a lot of other dudes. He just looked at the people he had following him and thought "Gosh, this is worse than Lex Luger calling me buddy." so he kind of just got injured on purpose and left.

He came back though. He found the Green Dragon Fltue again, and it allowed him to be half of a Diesel. But not all of a Diesel. The Sword of Omens was out of his possesion. Only half of a Diesel was not enough to defeat the combined power of Triple H and Motorhead however. Even Nash knew this, so he just left and joined TNA so he could beat up more people and rebuild his legions. He kissed Vince one final time and left.

edit TNA

Kevin Nash came to TNA and beat up a bunch of small dudes. One of those dudes was named Alex Shelley, and Shelley immidietly realized that Nash was great. Shelley embarked on a quest to find the Green Dragon Flute and the Sword of Omens so that he could be the next Diesel character. Nash, saw Shelley's potential and took the guy under his wing. Others soon came to follow this cult, and in memorance of his most popular rival, Bob Backlund... Nash decreed Backlund a god. Well, he was already a god. And a senator too. But he became the patron of the Green Dragon Flute, and NOW he had followers. Will they ever find what they're looking for, or will they just discover the secret to time travel and go back to the 80s to give U2 the idea for a mega-hit that will trancend the ages? Only Nash himself knows.

Personal tools
projects