Kevin Costner
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“How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?”
~ Chris Griffin on Kevin Costner
“Want me in your next movie? It'll costner-thing”
~ Kevin Costner
“Sir Costner..I jave just pissed in my pants..and you can't do anything about it”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kevin Costner
Kevin Costner (1612-2053) was a man who made one okay film and made a career of them. Then he made Waterworld. Then he made The Postman. We vowed never to forgive him. He died a penniless chaplain. A little know fact: His mother, Mary Costner, is actually your momma!
Kevin was recently diagnosed with bullshititus, a tragically incurable condition that causes sufferers to believe their own hype. Symptoms include being boring on chat shows. Tom Cruise is believed to also be suffering from this chronic disease.
Kevin starred in and directed Dances With Wolves. To prepare for this role, it was recommended that he should dance with real wolves, preferably in a confined space with no chance of escape. This was dismissed as being irrelevant to the film's content, although for those who have had to suffer endless Kevin Costner films this remains very much relevant. One Wolf even had an interview with ET (Entertainment Tonight) quoting "This guy can't Act! where was Alec Baldwin when you need him??"
Fortunately Kevin's face is no stranger to the cutting room floor. He played Alex, the troubled suicide in The Big Chill. Editor Carol Littleton reportedly received the Oscar based on that edit alone. Other non-roles [didn't] include Pepe, the fourth amigo, in Three Amigos and Scruffy, Miss Scarletts's lovable little leg humping hound in Gone With The Wind.
[edit] Kevin the Phrophet
His period of glory came, and between bathing with ducks and babbling on live TV, Kevin started a new philosophical concept that revolutionised the world as we know it - lameism. People were very enthusiastic about "lameism", a fad which lasted from the 20th to the 22nd century, later proven a disease spread by a virus called MTV. Kevin was full of it. He had the skill, the face, why even the look of a guy who knows what he wants in life -- to entertain. As the fad died out, his phrophecy of Waterworld came true in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Since theen his star has risen and keeps on rising.
