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“In Soviet Russia, rock stays on YOU!!'”
“I'd love to get one of those sexy fishermen on a Haida bed and Tlingit-Tlingit.”
“What the fuck... Did that really come out of me?”
Ketchikan, the city of salmon, the great city, the residence of the Emerald Salmon, the impregnable city (of Alaska) of the High God Fishy, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Deer Mountain that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by High God Fishy and built by fishers of men, is a city in the Democratic People's Alaskan National Socialist Republic.
The city of Ketchikan is a pile of rocks moved by humans on top of a very large rock called Revillagigeido Island- which purportedly kicked Rhode Island's ass when the two were formed back in the Mesozoic. Revillagigeido itself is a distant cousin of the Pacific Coast Ranges of North America which are themselves... rocks.
Also, Ketchikan is on a very unusual kind of coastline. This coast is special in that it is bordered by water.
As previously stated, Ketchikan is the most un-Alaskan city in Alaska. This however does not prevent the hordes of tourists from being idiotic about the place. Stupidity seems to come as naturally to those rich bastards that come off the cruise ships as it does to you. The main activities of those freaks is to stand in the center of the road, staring at an eagle, staring at a totem pole, taking a photo of an eagle, taking a photo of a totem pole, or standing in the middle of the road while taking a photo of an eagle on a totem pole. The best scene however is a tourist standing in the middle of the road taking a picture of a trashcan. If you are approached beware and run away under fear of being asked stupid questions.
Let's just get this straight. There are no fucking polar bears. There are no fucking penguins on this fucking continent. There are no fucking igloos. We barely get any snow. Now leave.
Ketchikan is also Alaska's first city. Contrary to common belief, that's not because it's the first you come to when traveling up into Alaska from the lower United States, but rather because Ketchikan is the first Alaskan city to have an Uncyclopedia page. And that, oddly enough, makes Ketchikan the most awesome city in Alaska too. Yeah. Get over it.
Being part of Alaska, Ketchikan is no different in its complete lack of government. Instead it is ruled by old mafia rejects who failed in Los Angeles and New York City. This mafia, which is called The Borough Assembly, tends to start programs and never finish them, much like the middle school renovation, and the ever lasting and legendary Road Project. The Mafia became famous on a global scale in recent years with it’s plot that had to do with a bridge to My Little Pony Land, and while Congress gave them the money, Oscar Wilde managed to foil their evil plot and bring balance to the universe again.
Other than that the only real thing that has happened in the last 50 years was the crash of the Canadian Air Force’s single fighter last year into the local grocery store.
You think this article is kidding, but it isn't.
edit Ketch'Em All!
That's right, Ketchikan is like the Safari Zone in Pokémon where you can catch all the Pokémon you want! Just go under Deer Mountain where the BASIC operating system is held and enter in the cheat code "How do you turn this on?" and you'll get in to the awesome place where all the Pokémon are. Note that this place is dangerously close to the place where the Care Bears are, so caution should be used when entering so as not be killed.
One thing that is not very well known is that Ketchikan is the containment place of Sephiroth, Darth Vader, the Joker, Loki, Voldemort, the Black Knight, Exodia the Forbidden One, the Queen of Blades, Gaston, the Three Prime Evils and countless other villains. They are all contained though a dense network to pure stupidity, which is why so many tourists are shipped there. The stupidity is funneled and poured on the villains constantly and thus the world is kept from being overpowered and destroyed by evil.
While these high-profile criminals are imported into Ketchikan, other inmates are often shipped down south to places like Hell, also called Arizona. This system forms Ketchikan's most thriving industry (and the only one that actually exists in winter): the prisoner trade market. Were this not a politically correct and morally upstanding website, this commerce could also be characterized with another phrase (given the inability of the inmates to have any control over their lives): the slave trade.
Until then, neither Uncyclopedia nor the original author of this article condone racism in any form.
Unfortunately the reason that the evil villains aren't loose is the same reason why awesome good guys are unable to be in Ketchikan. The truth is Ketchikan's stupidity output is so great that the radiation causes harm to all the good guys too. So naturally they are out of work, except for Oscar Wilde of course.
Actually that first subsection really was kidding. This is what Ketchikan is really like.
edit Ketlingits, Haidakans, and Ketsimshians
These people are distantly related to Native Americans. Their standard activities are usually oriented around the pursuit of better health (both mental and physical, since we know the health troubles that the native -I mean, Ketlingit, Haidakan and Ketsimshian- community has). They are also regularly seen flying above the world on the backs of eagles (see picture).
A portion of Ketchikan's population, previously thought to be malnourished Ketsimshians, was recently discovered to actually be descended from his supernatural holiness, the anthropomorphic deity Phil the Pelican. The name "Filipinikan" for the newly uncovered demographic seemed to be a perfect fit. Being the offspring of a sea-bird god, Filipinikans are often found working in fish processing plants, or the distribution centers for processed food, although they are never out doing the actual fishing. Given the current stormy state of heavenly affairs between the High God Fishy and Phil, they find it wise to stay off the water and also largely avoid eating fish. Instead they eat manna, which they call lumpia in their native tongue.
Ketchikan has no industries or export products (except themselves). Most residents make a living by raiding each other's garbage cans and eating the bears that try to compete in their business.
The regular inhabitants of this metropolis are usually divided into the following categories:
- Businesspeople, visiting to serve the tourists
- Fish, aquatic tourists that haven't seen a shower in quite a while
- Drunks, incapacitated tourists
- Hunters, unfortunately not of tourists
- Abused children who need to get off the rock as soon as possible
These are the outcasts (read: regular people) of Ketchikan. They are usually distinguished by excess facial hair and a tendency to live in the woods and cut down trees without warning.
Recently the KGB (Ketchikan Gateway Borough) took control of neighboring villages including: Haines, Hoonah, and Prince of Wales Island. The expansion was an attempt to restore the KGB’s honor after being laughed at for suggesting the bridge to nowhere by and little villages surrounding the Most High and Mighty Ketchikan Gateway Borough. Ketchikan military forces are currently moving towards Juneau in an attempt to rule Alaska (and slay the dragon commonly referred to as Sarah Palin).
Visit some time and we'll give you fish.
- ↑ This does not include the Aleutian Islands, which are in fact disputed territory between Japan, Russia, Alaska, Poseidon, and, confusingly, the Aleuts themselves.
- ↑ City here means a settlement with more than one dozen citizens.
- ↑ Note how well-sourced this article is.
- ↑ That's 251-65.5 million years ago, idiot.
- ↑ (inferior)
- ↑ The anonymous and hilarious authors of this article are in no way responsible for the misuse of historical terms, you Philistine.
- ↑ THEY'RE NOT POLAR BEARS. I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.
- ↑ Remember that pretty packaging always makes up for an overpriced and lower quality product.
- ↑ For those that believe this article is overly referenced, the authors have this message: Go eat devil's club!