Kerala
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Motto: "Love thy neighbor's wife, as thee Loves thyself" | |||||
| Anthem: "Manasamaine Varoo" | |||||
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| Capital | DrumDrum | ||||
| Previous capital | madirasi (pandi pattanam) | ||||
| Largest city | Coco chin | ||||
| Official languages | DrunDrum malayalam, Co-chin Malayalam, Koyikod Malayalam, Thiruvanthorum malayalam, Thrissur Malayalam etc etc | ||||
| Government | Not 4 the People | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Sreesanth, Sir Mamukkoya, Leader Karunji, VS Achumama, 10 000 000 ASSociation Leaders, Lion-Tailed Monkey, Kanaran, Nair from chayakada,Inspector Balram,T.P. Balagopalan M.A. | ||||
| Declaration | |||||
| Currency | Coconuts | ||||
| Religion | Communism | ||||
| Population | Not Bad | ||||
| Internet TLD | .coco | ||||
“Where'd the roads go? All I saw were rivers all over the place.”
~ Bush on his visit to Kerala
“In communism it is the votes that are important and not the roads. ”
~ Achuthannendan on commenting on Bush
A 100% illiterately literate desi land where all the munkies who can tap on a keyboard with an internet connection is boastful about themselves in Orkut, a site where Google employees are paid to generate jerk-off content for the jobless public. People of Kerala mull over their toddy drinking habbit and speak a popular phonetically pleasing sign langauge called Malayalam, so they are referred as Mallus. When Mallus wake up in the morning, their primary ritual is to update their Orkut profile and upload the latest buttogenic fotos in their colorful lungis and sarees, taken in a phooriegn (abroad) land and self-glorify them by using Orkut publicity scraps. Millions of such self-proclaimed intelligent immigrant monkeys wearing their lungies are spread all around the world doing business right from space down to the underworld. This makes the state of Kerala lying in the southern most Psunami-proof looking coastal part of India, the no:1 foreign currency spender. There is a private engineering college at every town right now and govt has pledge to expand it to every villages. Per-capitation, donation & admission to these colleges are offered for those walk in from the CITU & INTUC waiting sheds. People of kerala purchases 10kg of gold every 5 minutes.
“Don't count coconuts b4 they hatch”
~ Mahatma Gandhi on Kerala
“Wating till the airport worker's get fed up with their strike..”
~ Oscar Wilde on visiting Kerala
“Aiyyooo! Yeny bosted who has written this yerticle should be byanned”
~ Lola Kutty on Kerala
Kerala is one of the survival place of endangered species like lion-tailed monkeys and communists. Kerala is the place where the communists made history by democratically getting elected in 1957 to form a government for the first time in the world. The victory was a result of making a pre-election promise by the communist party that they will bring technology from USSR to extract orderless Vodka from coconut trees and supply them free.
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[edit] History
An axe-throwing competition was conducted by Mr. Shiva on Mt. Everest for the gods locally available (Sponsored by IBM; What * makes * you * Special). Some chap called AxeRaman threw his axe in the wrong direction to the Arabean Ocean rather than White House. Eventually, he was disqualified but his misthrown axe created Kerala (For God's sake don't ask how). Meanwhile, the winner was Mr. Ganesh (Top Secret: He is actually the son of Mr. Shiva himself) who threw his axe to his own neck (this unconfirmed report was issued by the press attache of Mt Kailash). Thankfully, Mr. Ganesh got a replacement with an elephant's head. And meanwhile the axe now lies dormant in some pothole in the M.C road (kalady side)...
Conflicting theories link Kerala to be a part of the primeval middle-east, that drifted off during the continental shift. This explains the fascination for the 'Gelf'. 78% of Keralaites are settled in the Gelf. This theory gains support from the fact that te Keralites actually 'werk' in the Gelf. the productivity of an average Malayali in Kerala is 0.28% compared to 67.12% in the Gelf! This theory is dismissed by the Hindu right-wing as an Islamist propoganda.
[edit] Physics
A 100% illiterately literate desi land where all the munkies who can tap on a keyboard with an internet connection is boastful about themselves in Orkut, a site where Google employees are paid to generate jerk-off content for the jobless public. People of Kerala mull over their toddy drinking habbit and speak a popular phonetically pleasing sign langauge called Malayalam, so they are referred as Mallus. When Mallus wake up in the morning, their primary ritual is to update their Orkut profile and upload the latest buttogenic fotos in their colorful lungis and sarees, taken in a phooriegn (abroad) land and self-glorify them by using Orkut publicity scraps. Millions of such self-proclaimed intelligent immigrant monkeys wearing their lungies are spread all around the world doing business right from space to deepest point down in the underworld. This makes the state of Kerala lying in the southern most Psunami-proof looking coastal part of India, the no:1 foreign currency earner on a per capita basis, making it one of the most affluential regions in Asia.
[edit] People & Culture
People in this part of the world are primarily black and heavily haired, anthropologist have found a link between the physical appearance of people of Kerala and bears. They, the people, are found of playing big brother and keep an eye on everything that goes on in the neighbourhood, poking their noses into what is necessary and what is not. What is perhaps the most surprising aspect of this population is that this group is not restricted only to the island of Kerala, no matter where you go you'll find one malayali or the other, the legend goes that there is a thatukada on the surface of moon, serving the Americans and Russians since 1969. In fact malayalees apparently grow tapioca on the moon to satisfy their desire for kappa and meen curry!!
Gold is the general craze, with people mortgaging their properties to buy gold to make their neighbors go green with envy, and show off their "Status" in the society.
Although 100% literate, keralites are still to figure out the ill effects of alcohol consumption, average age of drinking is somewhere around 10 years. The second largest source of income for Kerala Goverment apart from Coconuts is from alcohol, around 150Cr bucks per year for an increase of 1Buck each bottle.In general people are friendly, rather too damn friendly. They assume too much of freedom. Don't be surprised if you find one of them in your bedroom with your wife!
Women in this part of the country suffer from a rather strange disease called The Dry Eye Syndrome. A celebrated paper by Thendi Varghese, Prof Juggrerlerist University Of Thotapura, claims to have found links between the Dry Eye Sydrome and Serial Mayhem which starts every day at 7 in the evening...But now, a new phenomenon called Idea star singer has changed all that. Idea star singer 2008, which is scheduled to run from 2008 to 2020(yes a million episodes!!) is a runaway hit in Kerala. They call it the MEGA SERIAL!
[edit] Flora and Fauna
The national tree of Kerala is the kokkenet tree. Believe it or not, the state gets its name from 'keram' the Malayali word for kokkenet tree. Keralites display their identity by smothering themselves - head to toe - with kokkenet oil.
Mosquitoes are the national bird and drunkards(on four legs) are the national animals of Kerala. Acting on a report suggesting their endangerment, the 'gevermend' has announced at-least half-hour power cuts (also called load shedding) every evening to ensure their nourishment.
[edit] Language Policy
Talk english to everyone. Need not be meaningful, but need to be english. A mix words like yeah, ok, hello, missed call, recharge, shit! etc. will do. Pretend to know hindi, don't speak that. Speak Malayalam only when you are dying or starving or cursing. Ok, here's a tip: Never talk malayalam in schools. You'll find yourself being fined or even worse bald-headed in a few while! Beware...
Spoken Manglish(A hybrid of Malayalam and English) is the benchmark for speaking english in India and most teachers and professors of English in schools and colleges across the country are Malayali. One Malayali, Arundhati Roy, broke all records with her bombastic English by winning the Booker prize: awarded each year by the Queens of English in Britain. After winning the Booker with her novel, Got a Small Thong, she's shifted her focus to destroying the Narmada Dam with her similar bombastic rhetoric. Displayed on the right is a video lesson by Loyola Kutty, one of the finest teachers of English Kerala has to offer, to young students of Jam University in New Delhi. This particular tutorial is titled, Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. !
The one and only Suresh 'just remember that' Gopi is widely acclaimed as the father of English in Kerala. His movies have a liberal dose of english in his dialogues (and titles) which makes the average mallu think he is from Hollywood! He is credited with the introduction of 'shit' to Manglish.
[edit] Lack of organisation
Though Keralites lack organisation as a whole, they have created a multitude of organisations os associations, thanks to communism. A few samples are association of beggers in east thrissur (ABET), all kerala puking drunkmen organisation (AKePuDO), international coconut leaf merchents association (ABCD)....
[edit] Industry
Anything comes up, the opposition has to oppose. Even if something comes through both left and right, the workers of both the left and right have to put up unions so that they can get free food etc. for sitting in a coconut leaf shed all day.
The politicians eventually had to mortgage the entire state to Asian Development Bank!
Finally, one smart chayakadakkaran (tea shop owner) started selling Tourism. A minister passing in his population reducing machine (car) saw this. And presto!- A2Z tourism.... this has no unions as it involves dumb foreign nationals who pay Rs.500 to auto wallas for taking them 1 km (might be bcoz they r still glad to have their lives).
Kalaripayattu,Kathakali,Ayurvedam,Lagoons,little bit of massaging too, everything is sold....
[edit] Politics
You vote for the left... You vote for the right...Left...Right...Left. The other opposition parties are mainly subsidiaries of Congress and most often are never even successful in getting a single vote. Yep.... they don't count for shit. The main Congres parties are Congress(A), Congress(B), Congress(C), Congress(D), Congress(E)........................... Congress(Z).
[edit] Sport
Elephant running, Bull running, dog running, Cat running, Lion-tailed monkey running (Now-a-days the only one left on earth is always the champ)... Cricket (Only one person in the entire state plays it, that too because he was unable to find a job as a break dancer), Long Jump (One person plays that) Soccer (Nobody plays that) Street Fight (Everybody plays that)
Of late, the passion for Keralites is taking part in Hartal. This all started with the Supreme court banning bandhs. The ever-intelligent Malayalees could easily convert this threat to an opportunity by re-christening "Bandh" as "Hartal"
Though not detailed in the media Kerala's favourite game is 'Thappal', literally translated it means 'to search'. This game is usually played by the youth as well as Grandpas of Kerala at cinemas and local buses, the objective is to touch as many female body parts ( age doesn't matter ) in a very short period of time. Well, ministers play this in flights or in Ice cream parlours. How can you expect them to travel in bus? Women who do not like to be played with carry safety pins to ward off the players.
Kerala government has announced to constitute a Kerala Hartal Academy For a change, this academy will not be based at Trichur, but in Kannur.
[edit] Festivals
- Harthal :
Harthal is the national festival of kerala.They celebrate Harthal in any season any day any time. The state beverages corporation provides 750 ml of alcohol per person per hartal, which is a constitutional right. People gather in their house,watch television,eat and sleep on harthal days. The festival concludes with a massive puking competition held at the "Thrissur round", apparently the largest round-about in the whole universe.
[edit] Economy
Eat coconut. Sleep coconut. Live coconut. Drink only Coca-Cola (Assholes, you people made kerala's underground water as black as your goddamn Cola..$#%^$%$%#@!#$@%$@$%#&^%*&^*%&^#$%@...You better close your factory...No we don't...Ok,lets ask the high-court...High court: Coca Cola did a good job by supplying Coca Cola through underground, though the underground Coca Cola tastes a little different. Now Keralites can drink, bath, brush and wash their asses using Coca Cola. So Coca Cola need not close. Not to mention Pepsi, which farmers are already using as pesticides.... Another important industry for Kerala is the tourism industry. Tourist from all parts of the world, especially Uganda come to see the devil's own country. They come with cartful of dollars and return with handful of coconuts." The prosecutors replied by capturing, gheravoing and force-feeding Cola to the Minister of Magic.
[edit] Koralam
This alternative name is result of a major literacy drive conducted during the 1980's. Neo-literates often wrote the name of their homeland as Koralam.
[edit] Famous Keralites
- Shakeela - A famous actress
- Sasi (mythological hero)
- Sister Mary (she nursed me when I was in the hospital)
- Vijayan & Dasan(Kerala's answer to CIA)
- Lola Kutty
- Palarivattom shashi aka Sreesanth & his MOM (thankamma)
- Sister Mary (my school principal)
- Yay shoe das
- Bigfoot
- Late Shakeela
- Shotgun-Murugan
- George Bush
- Mohanlal - An extremely thin film actor
- Mammooty - A Fabulous Dancer
- Keerikadan Jose
- Jithin Chakkumpurath Haridas, M.D "Kerala State Beverages Corporation"
- Gopidas , Younger brother of king Leonidas of Sparta
- Charance (McDOnalds)
- Vincent Gomes
- Angamaly PrimeMinister
- Comrade Lavlin (no one has really seen him)
- Shaashee Tharoooor
- Sukumar(azeekode/a kurup)
- Rince Keda(Tarzan of Kerala)
- Keeleri Achu (Nice Goonda)
[edit] See Also
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