Kentuckistan
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| Motto: Yeah, she's my sister. So? | |||||
| Anthem: Red Star Kentuckistan | |||||
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| Capital | Элизабеттаун aka Elizabethtown | ||||
| Largest city | Louisville | ||||
| Official languages | Russian, Chinese | ||||
| Government | Communism | ||||
| Premier | Beshear the Undieing | ||||
| Lieutenant Governor | Darth Mongiardo | ||||
| Average temperature | 75°F (23.9 °C) | ||||
| Maximum temperature | 100°F (37.8 °C) | ||||
| Ethnic groups | Russian, Korean, Red Chinese, Bears, and those pesky Mongolians | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Hot Karl | ||||
| Declaration | |||||
| Currency | units of Rubles | ||||
| Religion | N/A | ||||
| Major exports | Bourbon, Tobacco, STDs and 12 year old mothers | ||||
| Major imports | Virgins (Female) and Clogging Shoes | ||||
| Intelligence Agency | The KGB | ||||
| Time zones | Eastern: UTC -5/ DST -6 Central: UTC -4/ DST -5 | ||||
| National antagonists | Capitalist Pigs | ||||
| Favourite pastime | Tetris, Enriching Uranium, Working | ||||
The Democratic Peoples Republic of Kentuckistan, part of the former Soviet Union, was only granted statehood in 1993. Until then, it was a Communist-State existing in the South-Eastern United States. Kentuckistan is amazing, and you would be an idiot for not not not going.
It says so right here in the brochure. It is currently ruled by the All-Powerful Democratically Elected Self Proclaimed Prime Minister for Life and All Nourishing Virtuous Almighty Supreme Leader Steve "Mbongo Deringuini Galuengae Boringei Bambiko" Beshear the Undying and Mitch McConell, a cloned son of Saddam Hussein.
Contents |
[edit] History
Originally founded by Daniel Boone, a self-proclaimed Marxist, in 1854. Boone wished to create his own country, free from taxation, capitalism, clothing, and the need to marry outside the immediate family. However, his efforts failed, when bourbon springs were found in the south central reigion; and, as a result, Kentuckistan was acquired by the U.S. government in 1859, and later used as a trade
Russia quickly released several thousand refugees (criminals and toboggan-wearing bears) into the state, allowing them to set up a self-governing Lumberjack-Country. They later converted to a form of crude communism in the 1920s. During Prohibition, Kentuckistanis could often be found smuggling bourbon over the border into America for transport to Louisiana. A small skirmish was fought on the border on January 17, 1921 during which famed warrior Chris Farley single-handedly ate over six smugglers in under three minutes. Though Prohibition was repealed, Kentuckistanis still live in fear of the late Farley, who contracted Salmonella from one of the smugglers and collapsed in a Golden Corral Buffet during a check up on KYSTN in 1996 registering 9.7 on the Richter Scale and destroying the city of Lexington.
During the Cold War, Kentuckistan was forced to proclaim neutrality as part of the Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) program; in the event of a nuclear war, Kentuckistan would not be destroyed by the U.S., and being a part of the Eastern bloc, forced Russia into only being able to launch strikes against the Western U.S. It secretly supplied information to both eastern and western governments for its own monetary gain, and eventually tried to buy its independence from its homeland. In the 1980s during the Reagan administration and the Red Scare, the country was considered to be in great danger of invasion, or even destruction. Mother Russia withdrew all support from Kentuckistan, and was eventually invaded and captured by U.S. forces in 1988. However, only during the mid-nineties did it officially become a U.S. territory with the collapse of the Soviet Union.
(Kentuckistan was previously named Kentucky, until a war which was started was brought home. Pakistan ((and all those other (((weird named))) places)) took over and took our presidential spot with their own. This man ((or woman)) as some might say, was named George W. Bush. He became a traitor to his own nation of Tardistan. Now he has started a war with us and them, and Tardistans allies, this war became known as "The Iraq War", and currently continues today, with no end in sight. George W. Bush has given up and now the state of Kentucky is now known as Kentuckistan. It was given because of its rich heritage of "Incest" which we believe Iraqi's love.)
[edit] Currently
After conversion to Semi-Capitalism, the state functions normally by all standards, including a regular State-Government and free markets. The population has slowly risen in the years since it has opened its borders to outsiders.
[edit] Demographics
With a total population of just over 3,783,000 (roughly estimated by modern experts), and not all related. The state of Kentuckistan is composed of 53% Chinese, 45% Slavic, 36% African-American, 32% Caucasian, 26% Cossack, 22% Native American, 18% Grizzly Bear, 14% Korean, and 12% "other." This is directly due to the fact that the earliest inhabitants of the state were, in fact, imported Russian and Asian criminals. Even in the last 15 years, small numbers of outsiders have moved into the isolated state, still retaining its status as one of the few undisturbed Asian enclaves in the world.
[edit] University of Kentuckistan
The University of Kentuckistan was founded in 1911 after receiving a grant from the Andrew Carnegie foundation. However, most of the grant was squandered on vodka and whores, and as a result, U-K began instructing students not in classrooms, but in an outhouse. They also taught them to play basketball instead of studying. Located in Lexington, The city of Gold.
Among the notable alumnus of U-K are Alan Alda, Belgian prime minister and notorious lecher.
[edit] Language
Four languages are commonly spoken in Kentuckistan. Most citizens are actually bi- or tri-lingual, depending on the region. These languages include Chinese, Russian, Cantonese, and English. Others include Japanese, Redneck, Korean, Arabic, Mongolian, Ukrainian, Alaskan, Vietnamese, Laotian, Kannada, Tamil, and Hindi, directly influenced by the multi-Asian heritage of the state.
Clogging is the national dance of Kentuckistan and if you want to live to meet your grandchildren you better get up and dance like your life depends on it. Because it does. Like language, clog dancing tells a story - a story about inbred honkies with little or no rhythm. Popularized by the nomadic Scottish drifters that colonized the middle of the state during the Great Depression, it is only deadly in some situations, like when you're late for work.
[edit] Geography and Climate
Kentuckistan has a rather rare and complicated mix of topographical and climatic features.
- The western edge of the state is an enormous mountain range, which creates a rain shield of sort for the central area of the sate. This also stopped any western expansion by the state early in its settlement. Even Boone himself refused to scale the Wonton Mountain Range.
Lexingrad, the second largest city in Kentuckistan.
- The low-lying central plains are mostly desert and grass land, and rather sparsely populated. This is because of the massive mountain range running along the western rim of the state, and crawling along the Missississippi and Ohio rivers.
- The Eastern half of the state is yet again covered with small lumpy hills that look like Chuck Norris's head, and another chain of mountains, the Appalachians runs along the eastern edge of the state, isolating it from its neighbors to the east, North Virginia and West Virginia.
- The weather in Kentuckistan is known to change every few seconds. If you stay outside too long, you may freeze to death, and instantly evaporate. Kentuckistan does not have seasons. It merely has "temperature guidelines". But these are only rarely followed.
[edit] Aggressive Chicken Syndrome (ACS)
The thing Kentuckistan is most known for is KFC. Although they are marketed as chickens, the Kentuckistani Chicken is actually a crossbreed of velociraptor and horse, which has a more distinct, gamey taste due to the presence of ACS. Small amounts of horse meat and raptor are mixed with large amounts of glue (also made from horses) for economical mass production. It is often noted that chickens from Kentuckistan are often more aggressive, tenacious, and judgmental.
In 2004, Ken Jennings was felled by a group of aggressive Kentuckistani chickens during a filming for a promotional commercial for Jeopardy [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. Burt Reynolds was injured when he entered the fray to assist Jennings. The commercial was never aired.
[edit] Notable Kentuckistanis
- Jack Sparrow
- Kris Smoot
- Colonel Sanders thinks he is, but he's really from Up North
- Loserville Cardinals.
- Hunter S. Thompson
- Billy Ray Cyrus
Kentuckistan's historical state flag. - Cannonball
- Geoff the Sebesta
- George_Clooney
[edit] Other Famous Things From Kentuckistan
- The Kentuckistan Derby - The First Race in the Triple Crown of Snuffleupagus Racing
- The Kentuckistan Rifle
- Kentuckistan Burbon (recommended for drinking before firing your Kentuckistan Rifle)
- Karl Marx
