Kent Hovind
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The author knows this because he is also a peckerhead and has frequently chatted with Kent Hovind at the meetings.
“To some people in this world, money is more important than truth; and if they have to lie to you to keep their paycheck coming in, they will lie to you.”
~ Kent Hovind on Kent Hovind
“With all the millions of ILLEGEAL (sic) immigrants in America receiving free welfare, free healthcare, free education, free footsteps, and free American jobs, it is utter hypocrisy what the government is doing to Dr. (sic) Hovind. How socialistic is that? —it is just plain evil. What HYPOCRITS!! (sic)”
~ 221.170.100.188 on Inmate 06452-017
Kent Hovind is a creationist "scientist" and professional fuckwit. Unlike reality, Kent's theory takes the Bible as the literal truth. Not finding the challenge of proving the existence of God hard enough, Hovind has raised the stakes with such claims as "dinosaurs and humans lived together". According to Hovind, it is entirely likely that Tyrannosaurus Rex and all other theropods (scientifically described as 2 legged and bitey) were in fact Herbivores. Although some scientists and some informed people refute the claims, Hovind maintains that the large conical teeth (as with the fruit bat for example), previously thought to be used for crushing bone, were in fact used to snack on herbivorous delicacies such as watermelons, oranges and the occasional lychee. He also claims that dinosaurs breathed fire; this may yet be his most possible claim, as it is known that dragons also have that ability.
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[edit] Archaeological Evidence
Recent archaeological finds back up Hovind's theories of dinosaurs and humans living together. In 1994, the discovery of records from the First Bank of Mesopotamia showed a receipt corresponding to the transportation of 7 Tyrannosaurs to King Meskalandug and a note to the effect that it was an urgent delivery, clearly indicating that there was stock available. Skeptics of the find dispute the document's authenticity, claiming that carbon dating tests conducted on the filing cabinet, containing the documents, places it somewhere in the late 1960s. German manufacturer "Aktenschranken sind uns" have refused to comment on when the particular cabinet model was produced. They do however acknowledge that units made prior to 1953 sported wooden drawer handles.
[edit] The Hovind Performance
Kent Hovind's stage show has become famous world wide and renowned for its performance quality. Having a total absence of facts and logic, Kent is left to rely on his charisma, fast monologue and his dashing used car salesman looks. Female fans of Hovind have described him as the smiling japester who used to pinch their bottoms during church choir practice and never really grew up.
[edit] Hovind's $250,000 offer
According to Hovind's website, he has offered $10,000 since 1990 to those who can "prove the theory of evolution."[1] Since at least 1999 the offer has been for $250,000[2]. Many scientists believe that these claims only make him more retarded.
Hovind has made the following offer:
- I have a standing offer of $250,000 that I don't have to anyone who can give any empirical evidence (scientific proof) for evolution.* My $250,000 offer demonstrates that the hypothesis of evolution is nothing more than a religious belief. Obviously he does have the money though he is in jail for tax fraud (valued in the millions).[1]
Critics have attacked the offer for the obvious reasons that it is stupid to bet on historical sciences. Furthermore, the complex conditions that Mr. Hovind has placed on the prize has baffled scientists.
Conditions are as follows:
- 1. Anybody claiming the prize may only do so on the third Monday of January, as that is the only time my money giving away office is open. Unless I'm on vacation or sick. Then you can leave a message and maybe I'll get to you next year.
- 2. Anybody claiming the prize needs to give me VIDEO EVIDENCE OF HIGH DEFINITION QUALITY OR BETTER FROM ALL ANGLES AND AN ADVANCED FRAME BY FRAME ANALYSIS OF EVERY EVENT THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED AND ALSO PROVING THAT THERE CANNOT BE ANY SUPERNATURAL CAUSE FOR ANY EVENT IN ALL OF HISTORY. Failure to meet this condition will result in the removing of the claimant's toes.
- 3. Anybody claiming the prize must show up to my office in a blue LeBaron, identical to the model seen in Freddy Got Fingered.
- 4. The prize may not be claimed by anybody with the letters K, E, N, T, H, O, V, I, or D in their names. That's copyright infringement, bitches.
- 5. Also, arguing with me is like the Olympics of brains. Therefor, no professionals are allowed. If you've ever graduated an accredited college or hold any sort of degree, you are not allowed to participate. Go get a job, bum.
As of date nobody has been able to prove Mr. Hovind incorrect by these guidelines. (The actual challenge is literally just as retarded according to http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/hovind.html which displays an entirely biased and completely one sided view, written by an atheist. The neutral view would be 'no one beat him, so he didn't pay', and the Christian view would be 'SUCK ATHEIST NUBZ YOU JUST GOT PWND!')
[edit] The Second Offer
Hovind has recently posted a new offer on his website.
- I would like to announce my $100,000 offer to anyone who can prove the American Revolution happened. I require three simple things.
- The first is proof that at least three of the major battles of the American Revolution happened. Acceptable proof can be either color photographs or eyewitness accounts by a reliable witness of those battles (of course, I must be permitted to interview the witnesses or examine the photographs to eliminate the possibility of fraud).
- The second thing I require is proof that George Washington cut down his father's cherry tree as a child. I will accept, as proof, a copy of the New York Times article from that period describing the incident.
- The third thing I require is evidence that the intent of the American Revolution was to establish a communist government. Acceptable proof would be notarized statements by at least two of the major figures of the Revolution expressing their admiration for Karl Marx.
My offer demonstrates that the so-called American Revolution hypothesis is nothing more than a religious belief since the adherents can't provide even the most rudimentary evidence that it ever happened. As such the only reasonable conclusion is that the American Revolution is a Satanic False Consciousness, created to dupe people into believing the myth of Church State separation
As of now nobody has stepped up to claim the prize.
[edit] The Ali G Incident
Hovind's most famous appearance to date is believed to have been in his interview with Ali G in the season 1 episode entitled "Science". Where many of Hovind's other interviewers and opponents had failed, Ali G was able to 'prove' Hovind's theory of creation 'wrong' by bribing the other three interviewees to cut across Hovind whenever he tried to speak. Though severely shaken by the occasional 'No, I -' that got through, Ali G eventually managed to secure a loose 'victory' by simply pointing out that if he eats bananas, then he must have evolved from monkeys (well, I dunno about you, but that seems pretty damn reliable to me - so, I ate a carrot yesterday and a banana the day before, does that mean I'm some kind of ultrabreed of monkeyrabbit?) and then quickly changing the subject to toilets and lack of flushing. Hovind admitted that Ali G had won the challenge, but still wouldn't give him the money because in his words, he 'has no income, everything I have is owned by God, you'll have to talk to Him'.
Ali G later went on to ask Hovind if he was one of the Homo lot and accusing him of leaving a floater on the backstage floor. Hovind finally tearfully confessed that he had never been potty trained. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XZ_cd1vYX0
Hovind will forever go down in history as one of the true greats of religious propaganda. Second only to Mel Gibson.
The scheduled 2009 release of Kent the Musical, starring Zac Efron, is destined to be a big success.
[edit] Dinosaur Adventure Land
Hovind owns Dinosaur Adventure Land, a young-earth creationism themed amusement park in his backyard. Idiots Visitors to the park can see history Land of the Lost reenacted with fantastic displays of dinosaurs and people living together. Morons Guests will learn how Adam successfully tamed the first dinosaurs and woolly mammoths for use as cranes and dishwashers, see the Loch Ness Monster, and even ride Hovind's Pet Tyrannosaurus.
Unfortunately for imbeciles chronic liars Hovind's patrons and Jurassic Park fans everywhere, the Secret Police closed the park to stop Hovind from exposing heathen lies to reclaim the hundreds of thousands of dollars owed by it's nincompoop proprietor following his conviction of felony tax fraud.
[edit] Arrested
Kent Hovind was arrested by those bitches with the guns for standing up for Asshole Liberation Speech and screwing the IRS. He says that God offered to give him some cocaine if he did it, but everyone knows God doesn't smoke crack — he's already moved on to bigger drugs. Since Kent Hovind's an idiot, no one took him seriously and he gets the death jello penalty for being an utter ass. It is believed that this incident is also related to Santa being shot down by the Bush administration because he was a terrorist.
Writer's update: God has changed my life forever... I will never talk about God doing drugs again, because I read the Bible and it's the clearest most wise thing I have ever read! In fact, I think Kent Hovind, crazy as he may be for skimping the IRS, might just know something most people don't. Yes, in fact, God judged the world just a few thousand years ago with a big flood. Everything in Geology and Genetics points to it so clearly! And he is going to judge everyone again, at the end of the age - that could be very soon, and coming to a town near you.
[edit] See Also
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