Kent
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“This is Kent? I thought I was in Hampshire...”
~ Some Geordie on Kent
“Have this on my desk by Friday, Kent”
~ Perry White on Clark's back
“This is Kent? I thought I was in Essex...”
~ Some Scouser on Kent
“Isn't that where I saw that hairy headed gent running amok?”
~ Warren Zevon
“Kent? Bugger it, Bugger that Kent”
~ Yorkshiremen on Kent
“It is pronounced can't, unless you're american”
~ Dialcet expert on Kent
Kent is a colloquial term for a woman's...What?...It isn't?...Well it sounds so similar.
Okay, start again.
Kent is a relatively small place that is almost always an annoying distance away from everywhere.
When asking directions to Kent, the answer usually comes in the form of a vague gesture to the South. The words "rolling hills" and "nice place" are used, almost exclusively, by people who haven't actually been there.
It is worth noting that if you ever meet someone from Kent, it is extremely likely that they will be running away from it. Do not be alarmed.
Mostly full of rich bastards, Kent is the central point of the English mafia. The official food of Kent and the English mafia is sausages. The county is run by David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party by day, Scourge of Kent by night.
Kent took its name from Kent, Washington in the United States in 1491.
Contents |
[edit] Etymology
The phrase 'Kent' was coined in 2008 by Oli, one of Charlie's good friends.
He invented the word shortly after he heard someone else say it, which prompted him to find the word on popular reference websites such as Wikipedia, and Urban Dictionary.
[edit] Geography
Kent is known as the "Garden of England", as it is where the English park their cars, go out for a fag and let their dogs shit. Its most Northern point is near London, and it is bordered on the East by Chunnel and the West by the rest of Ohio. It has no Southern border, as it includes the South Pole.
Kent is home to Trashford, the largest council housing estate in England. 99.8% of its population live on benefits (the other 0.2% being, at the last census, your mum). The pride taken by the Trashfordians in their benefit-based income is legendary. Some have taken the radical step of flying flags declaring their income status from the aerials of the cars they live in. However, the local council has stepped in to demand the removal of these flags, on the grounds that tramps living on charitable handouts are deeply offended by these boasts of gayness. Most Trashfordians are illiterate, so I can write whatever I want and they won't know! Trashford smells!
Sevenoaks also boasts a beautiful council housing estate, known as Greatness. 99% are Polish.
Over 87% of the population of Kent are, in fact Polish. At least the documented percentage. The rest are a loose coalition of Slovakians, Albanians and Hungarians who have benefitted the local economy, leading to the opening of four new Sports Direct superstores in the second quarter of 2009 alone. This is just as well because the remaining 13% are old people and tracksuit-clad council fatties who leech off the Government. To put it simply, without the Polish there would be no one to do make a good job of something. And without the rest, there would be a surplus of navy-blue stripey tracksuit bottoms.
[edit] Economy & Produce
The majority of the Kentish economy is based on blackmailing the rest of England not to let the French in. Kent is also the traditional home of the Posh Upper Classes. 50% of employment in Kent is with the Customs service, and the other 50% are chartered cigarette smugglers. The entirety of Kent is owned by the Queen of England, who purchased it with her pocket money at the age of 7. One should never buy fireworks in Kent. They are usually full of explosives.
[edit] Kentish Man or Man of Kent?
It is widely believed by Men of Kent that they are in fact Kentish Men. In the vast majority of cases this is not true. In order to qualify for 'Kentish Man' status, as well as the associated Superpowers, one must have participated in Tonbridge It's A Knockout whilst being East of the Medway. This is nearly impossible because Tonbridge is in fact built entirely on a plinth on top of the Medway.
[edit] Famous Kentish Men
The following men have all managed to alter the Space-Time continuum in such a way as to successfully qualify for 'Kentish Man' status.
- The most famous Kentish man is Superman also known as by his birthname Clark Kent.
- Kent Brockman, widely believed to be the second most famous Kentiant, is in fact a fictional creation from the popular Mexican TV sitcom, Snoopy.
- Ken Dodd was named after Kent, the county in which his parents once sped through at 106mph after accidentally stopping in Gravesend, forcing Mrs Dodd into premature labour, though fortunately she held on until she'd reached the London city environs.
- No relation to Kent, it is widely believed that the Devil was born and bred there. He goes under the name of Kent (The Wanker).
- The infamous ninja, Immanuel Kent (678BC-029.23) fashioned Kent at 4:43 PM using a chunk of Normandy obtained using a rudimentary pulley system. Having realised it was a waste of time, he soon neglected it as all others after him have and created the Nazi Party, which, on the scale of things, was far more successful.
- Other notable Kentish people include Jesus and Allah.
- There are more notable Kentish people, and many of them live in Kent. However, many have migrated to New South Wales, Australia, for fear of one day, turning into women. There are no women in Kent.
- Wat Tyler, leader of the Peasants Revolt, was a Kent agitator who marched on London intent on spanking young King Richard II into submission over the first poll tax. He eventually got bored of the young king's one and only joke ("What's your name Tyler?" / "Wat, m'lord" / "What?" / "Yes, sire, Wat..." etc etc, that he went and cut his own head off, which today is mounted alongside Jim Davidson's at the Danson Interchange on the A2.
[edit] Ants
Both Kent, U.K. and Kent, U.S.A. have indigenous ant populations, comprised of many tens of ants.
In June of 1976, in Warwick, N.Y. both Kents met midway and battled these ants in a Major Title contest for most ferocious ants. Kent, U.K. won. Kent, U.S.A has never forgotten.
[edit] Major Towns
- Trashford
- Canterbury
- Chavham
- Folkestone
- Gravesend [a particularly fascinating study, mixing the scum of Eastern Europe with the scum of Kent]
- Hell (Ramsgate)
- Maidstone
- Sevenoaks
- Tunbridge Wells [Scumbridge are just jealous bastards because they aren't royal]
- Scumbridge [Tunbridge Wells are douchebags and stole our name]]
- Dover [the illegal immigration port of kent]
- Other
- Bexleyheath
