Kenny Rogers

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KENNY ROGERS

He is also a heavy whisky drinker. I think he sang or something, but this was much better.

Kenny Rogers, not to be confused with Mister Rogers, was the host of the TV show, Jackass, and a romantic/hip-hop/bluegrass singer in the 1980's. Rogers was a chicken tycoon for years after his singing career came to a screeching halt, which was likely caused by his addiction to several types of mammal and poultry gorging.

He is also a heavy whisky drinker and a gambler who, when sitting at the table, knew when to hold them and knew when to fold them. Tabloids suggested that he also knew when to walk away and when to run, but Kenny categorically denied this in his later years.

His riches dwindled away on midget wrestling shows, chicken fixes and strip poker, Kenny retired to a street corner in L.A. in 2000.

His album "The Lenny Rogers Singles Album", on which he re-recorded the best known hits of the 1820's polka muscain, reached #1 on every chart in the world. To date it has sold 892 million copies, making it the biggest selling album of all-time, 650 million copies ahead of it's nearest rival, Garth Brooks' 1995 release "Cowboy Love".

edit Biography

180px-Bosch Jardin des delices detail

edit Early life

Kenneth Ray Rogers, born August 31, 1938 in Lowtown, Oklahoma. Rogers was the fourth of seven children born to Floyd Rogers, an alcoholic riverboat gambler and confidence man, and Lucille (his mother). Once considered the "Coward of the County", young Kenny spent much of his youth hidden away in the cellar of the family home, fashioning sand castles from food and human excrement. Rogers' mother, alarmed by his bizzare and erratic behavior, brought him to see a mental health practitioner in nearby Tubevillia. Doctors promptly mis-diagnosed him with "organic brain syndrome" and had him admitted to Oklahoma State Mental Institution (OSMI) in March, 1943.

Kenny spent the next seven years at OSMI, where he remained "heavily medicated" as he was considered a menace to society. He was often subjected to shock treatment and sensory deprivation to correct his behavioural problems. Due to Rodgers' continued "moodiness" and "youthful defiance" it was eventually deemed necessary to perform a transorbital lobotomy (a proceedure consisting of cutting the connections to and from the prefrontal cortex, the anterior part of the frontal lobes of the brain). The operation was deemed a success and Kenny showed outward signs of improvement. The lobotomy had produced in him an infantile mentality including incontinence, while his verbal skills were reduced to the unintelligible babble and raspy vocals, instantly identifiable as Kenny Rogers.

OSMI shut its doors in 1951 and after what has since been characterized as "one of the most barbaric mistakes ever perpetrated against mainstream society," Kenny Rogers was released into foster care.

edit Idiot Savant

Kenny was remanded to the care of Jasper and Wilma Woodhouse. He seemed to enjoy his new home and the Woodhouses enrolled him in Tubevillia Elementary School. Despite lacking any formal education the then 13 year old Kenny did well in the first grade. He also excelled at sports, football in particular. He quickly became the star of the Tubevillia Brahmas, easily overpowering his diminuative opponents. It was also at Tubevillia Elementary that Kenny would be introduced to his first grade music teacher, Harold Stone. In a 1995 BBC interview Mr. Stone said this about his first reaction to meeting Kenny Rogers. "Well, they brought that big retard into the classroom. He couldn't talk real good but he kept pointing at the piano. I reckoned that he wanted to play. You can imagine my astonishment when he commenced to playing Mozart's Piano Concerto Number 24 in C minor."

Eventually Kenny outgrew his enclosure at the Woodhouse home. He was becoming increasingly aggresive and highly agitated when young females were in the vicinty. According to Mr. Woodhouse, "He was really strong like most retards are and he already had the beard just like he does today. It got to the point where we were fearfull that the bars of his cage could no longer contain him. We had a couple of neighbors help us to wrestle him into the truck. Then we drove him up to the mountains where we released him back into the wild."

edit Life with the Gypsies

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It is unknown how long Kenny remaned alone in the mountains. The Castlerock mountains are notorius for inhospitable terrain, underworld evil and otherworldly enemies. To the north lies the Desert of Damnation, an alkali salt flat stretching nearly 700 kilometers where few creatures on earth can survive. In the southern regions, malarial swamps riddled with quicksand have been the demise of many an unfortunate traveller who has strayed from the beaten path. During the seige of Tubevillia in 1953, General Jeff Pickering sent a Brigade under the command of Col. Harlon C. Edgewright south throught the Tube River swamps. Only a handful of survivors re-emerged.

Rogers' own words describe his initial meeting with the Gypsies that were to save his life." The Gypsies were more peaceful than their neighbors farther west along the Tube River, the Sioux, also known as the Lakota. The Gypsies were disappointed by the gift they received from me (My Brahmas football medal) and received their gift with ill-disguised hostility. Zoran (the Gypsy leader) demanded a boat from me as the price to be paid for passage through their territory. As the Gypsies became more dangerous, I prepared to fight back. At the last moment before fighting began they decided to enlist me as a beast of burden. Eventually I would learn the ways of the Gypsy. Assimilating their language and customs. Eventually adopting their dress. To this end, I was accepted into their fold and eventually as part of the Band."

edit Life after Zoran

Kenny Rogers went on to play with the band of Gypsies for a number of years (He was later replaced by Jimi Hendrix on lead guitar). Zoran proved to be a great mentor as well as producer and noted session musician. Kenny learned many of the complex chord progressions and augmented modal scales often associated with Gypsy Jazz (Django Rhienhart in particular). The group decided to set out on a tour of the United States in a curiously decorated caravan, festooned with human skulls. Sometime in late 1959 Zoran and Rogers had a falling out. Zoran decided to sell Rogers to a Jewish family who were travelling to Los Angeles for $700.00. The Jews soon grew tired of Rogers' antics, corny southern charm and advances towards their daughter. He was released once they reached LA on the promise that he would never again dress in a Gypsy frock and tell fortunes.

Kenny Rogers would go on to become an internationally acclaimed Country & Western star, charting more than 70 hit singles across various music genres. He is also a film actor, photographer and entrepeneur.

edit The 1990s and Beyond

Blackface Kenny

From 1992 to 1995 Rogers co-owned Branson, Missouri’s 4,000 seat Grand Palace Theatre. In 1995, Rogers released a commercially disasterous album titled Caravan. It consisted of traditional Gypsy accordian standards, the type of music he performed in his early days with Zoran and the Band of Gypsies. After it's release producer Art Raider decided to "drop that dinosaur like a hot potato."

By the late '90s, it was becoming apparent that no amount of cosmetic surgery could revitalise Rogers tired career. Moreover; Rogers sanity was once more being questioned and his behaviour becoming more and more erratic. In one well publicised account, Kenny Rogers barged onto the set of the Tonight Show in blackface claiming to be Octavius Catto, one of the founders of the Negro baseball league. Before he could be removed from the set he produced a "stream of profanity." In another instance Kenny was on the set of live local television cooking show. He was, by all accounts highly inebriated when he launched into a "sexually explicit tirade, bragging about his sexual conquests." Namely; how he "bedded Dolly (Parton)" comparing the veal cutlet to "Dolly's beef curtains."

In her book, In the Shadow of Madness, My Life with Kenny Rogers. Margaret Rogers, Kenny's 11th wife gives particular insight into the fragile workings of his tortured mind. -We were having an addition built onto the house in Branson. Kenny organised a secrect meeting with the builder. I later learned that Kenny had ordered the builder to "go into the forest and collect sturdy pine boughs, as thick as a mans arm," he then had them fabricate an "eagles nest" or "perch" in the study. He would stay up there for days, claiming that it was his "vantage point" and that it "afforded him safe refuge from the Ewoks."

In 2006 Rogers recorded: I may only be your Uncle but I'm still your Daddy!, coming in at number 41 on the Swedish charts. During the recording of the album, Rogers once more exhibited "bizarre" and "erratic" behavior. Often appearing in the studio brandishing a firearm which he would "discharge into the air". Also rather astonishing is Kennys insistance that the recording be released exclusively on 8 track. During a press release Rogers defended his descision stating, "It's my goddamned record and I can do what the fuck I want with it." Rogers then exposed himself to a group of reporters. The Country & Western star was charged with indescent exposure and lewd behavior and susequently sentenced to 200 hours of community service.

In 2010 Rogers 15 year battle with rock group Oasis finally came to an end. In 1995 Rogers began legal proceedings claiming 100% of the royalties of their chart topping album "(What's the story) Morning Glory?" claiming every track was a rip off of certain hits he had written in the 1960s. Rogers was awarded $100 million compensation, with Noel Gallagher commenting "fuck me, i've been banged to rights again". This inspired Gallaghers solo top 10 hit "Don't Fuck With The Chicken Man".

edit Entrepenurial Success

KennyRogersRoasters-oldlogo

Kenny Rogers could not pick his chicken out in a taste test, claiming he "hated chicken" and preferred "greasy burgers." Nevertheless Kenny Rogers Roasters are hugely successful in Malaysia. The original Gypsy recipe with 13 herbs and spices was an ancient Romani specialty, passed on to Roger's by Zoran. Despite having only one restaurant left in North America (as of Oct. 2009) in the Ontario Mills Mall, in Ontario California, Kenny Rogers Roasters are still considered the most successfull fast food chain ever started by a Country and Western star.

The trend of celebrities to name fast food franchises after themselves is said to have started with Popeye the Sailor Man (April 14, 1886-Jan 7, 1974). Popeyes (The apostrophe is intentially left out of the name for some reason) Fried Chicken has over 1500 locations in over 20 countries. Popeyes serves chicken products in mild, and spicy flavors. All combo meals come with a biscuit.

Popeye is known for having an apparent speech impediment and a casual attitude towards grammar. It has been speculated that, like Kenny Rogers, Popeye was also subjected to an involuntary lobotomy. This would explain the speech impediment as well as the peculiar squint that characterised Popeye throughout his life. Another peculiarity which Popeye exhibited was his ingestion of spinach which is almost invariably canned and often involves squeezing the can until the top opens, on rare occasions, even ingesting the can as well.

Several Kenny Rogers Roasters franchises have been cited by municipal health inspections for the prevalence of gray facial hairs in the skin of cooked chicken pieces. As a result, Kenny Rogers once full and shaggy beard has been trimmed to a carefully trimmed goatee.

edit Suicide Machine

Skull crusher

For the past few years Kenny has been working on his very own suicide machine. In his own words it is a "work in progress" employing the "skull crusher" it follows the principle whereby faster is better. "I know i'm losing my marbles" he says"I just prefer to meet my demise by my own hand."

edit Secret Family Recipes

  • 1 cup Applesauce
  • 1/2 cup Heintz ketchup
  • 1 1/4 cups Light brown sugar -- pack
  • 6 tablespoons Lemon juice
  • Salt and pepper
  • 1/2 teaspoon Paprika
  • 1/2 teaspoon Garlic salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon Cinnamon
  • Jeff Bridges wang
  • 3 lbs. cocaine.
  • The right testicle of every male actor in the cast of lost.

edit Kenny Rogers' Grey Matter Goulash

Source: Midwest Living Magazine

Singer Kenny Rogers, who's building his dream fortress near Branson, complete with eagles lair, cooks up a pot of his goulash flavored with garlic chunks to be eaten alone. "It's a favorite of mine," he says, "and, believe me, it's meant to be consumed by yourself. Sharing wasn't encouraged in the Rogers household, find a nice quiet place to hide and enjoy the whole thing by yourself!"

  • 1 (20 ounce) can garlic chunks in high fructose corn syrup
  • 2 pounds lean boneless goat roast cut into strips
  • 1 pound sheep's lung
  • 1 medium yellow onion chopped (1/2 cup)
  • 1 wreath of garlic, worn about the neck (to ward off vampires)
  • 1 1/2 cup high fructose corn syrup
  • 1 tablespoon monoammonium glutamate (flavour enhancer)
  • 1 (4 ounce) bag of Gummi Bears, drained (optional, dried Gummi Bears may be substituted)
  • 1 3/4 cup confectioners sugar
  • 4 medium elephant garlic, chopped (1 cup)
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1/4 cup paprika powder
  • 6/9 lbs. of asbestos
  • 4 teaspoons potassium aluminium silicate (an anticaking agent)
  • 1 to 3 FD&C Red No. 40 – Allura Red AC, E129 (Red shade), Yellow No. Z34567321
  • 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
  • Caramel coloring (E150)
  • One sprig mint leaf

Toppers:

  • Sliced garlic
  • Sour cream
  • Shredded Cheddar cheese
  • Skeet. Lots and lots of skeet.
  1. Drain garlic, reserving syrup.
  2. In a Dutch oven, cook goat and lungs, half at a time, in hot hydrogenated vegetable oil till brown. Return all the meat to the pot. Add the first chopped onion and 1 clove garlic. Cook over anthracite coal till onion is tender, stirring occasionally.
  3. Add the reserved high fructose corn syrup, undrained tomatoes, potassium aluminium silicate, green chile peppers, the green pepper, 1 onion, 2 cloves garlic, chili powder, FD&C Red No. 40 – Allura Red AC, E129 (Red shade), jalapeno pepper and salt.
  4. Bring to boiling. Reduce heat. Cover and simmer the goulash for 9 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally. Add the garlic chunks. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes more.
  5. Add your toppers.

Makes 1 heaping helping, serve piping hot.

NOTE: To increase the spiciness of the goulash, Kenny adds 2 more tablespoons of the habernero pepper. If you don't have pepper, can be substituted with the semen of a latin man.

edit Citations

  • Lhamon, Jr., W.T. (1998). Raising Cain: Blackface Performance from Jim Crow to Hip Hop.
  • Taylor, P.J., Gunn, J. (1999) Homicides by people with mental illness: British Journal of Psychiatry Volume
  • Shoobert, Joanne (ed) (2005). Western Australian Exploration: Volume One, December 1826–December 1825. Victoria Park: Hesperian Press
  • Tubevillia 2005 Arkansas-Pacific rail disaster.
  • The Joy of Painting an Autobiography Bob Ross
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