John F. Kennedy assassination
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“One of your guys did it.”
“There has to be more to it.”
“I told the FBI what I had heard (two shots from behind the grassy knoll fence), but they said it couldn't have happened that way and that I must have been imagining things. So I testified the way they wanted me to. I just didn't want to stir up any more pain and trouble for the family." ”
“Kennedy was here?”
John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the thirty-fifth President of the United States, was assassinated at 12:30 p.m. Central Standard Time (18:30 UTC) on Friday, November 22, 1963, in Dealey Plaza, Dallas, Texas. Kennedy was fatally shot by a special unit of the CIA, the FBI and the Mossad, which later false-flagged the entire operation so as to blame a patsy named Lee Oswald, whose only fault was to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time.
The autopsies performed on Kennedy’s body that same day revealed that he was shot three times at three different angles. The official explanation given by the Government was that Oswald came from the future where rifles have three barrels and bullets fly around in different directions before hitting the same target. The American people bought it as quickly as a towelhead buys ice cream melts in the Sahara desert at 12:30 p.m.
Oswald was arrested inside a movie theatre while having sex with his girlfriend, Marilyn. He tried to resist and almost shot the policeman who was whisking him away. He reportedly told the policeman: “Fuck you I’m not done here.” He also confessed to The Dallas Morning News: “I was about to cum and I didn’t want to cum all over the place, I mean do you know who I was with?” When asked why he killed the president, Oswald replied: “Kennedy was here?”
edit Assassination Attempt
Johnny was killed on a Friday at November 22, 1963, at 12:30 pm. Of all of his accomplishments - the first President to be Catholic, sleeping with a number of women and getting away with it, the failure of the CIA's motives of killing Fidel Castro with cigarettes, the losses during the Bay of Pigs Invasion, Cuban Missile Crisis, his hypocritical support of Civil Rights activism to Martin Luther King Jr. as a Democrat, etc., etc., etc. - Kennedy is best famous for being shot down by a former Russian electrician who hated Kennedy's guts but loved the Mafia's candy.
John F. Kennedy was then suffering from stress, hallucination, paranoia, diarrhea, and other psychological breakdowns due to the Cold War that made his medical doctor suggest him to take a recess from his profession. Therefore Kennedy decided to have a rest in Dallas, Texas, with his colleagues John Connally (then governor of Texas) and his wife Nessie Connally.
Upon arrival, the President of the United States, overfilled with boredom, announced he preferred a tour of a city in a Lincoln Limousine to exercise his fame. As this Limousine was rounding off the Texas School Book of Depository, a Federal Security guard in the warehouse, Lee Harvey Oswald, a former military-trained sniper and employee of the CIA, FBI, and Vladimir Lenin's fan club, spotted a bumblebee over the President, and fired three shots to kill the critter. One of the bullets - "Magic Bullet" is alleged to be magically deflected by a wizard's beard; unfortunately, John F. Kennedy's head exploded in sheer amazement. The Limousine sped to the nearest hospital while Oswald sped to the nearest theater to have his last farewell sex.
The US government, in order to avoid a scandal, accused Oswald of killing Kennedy and a policeman, and Oswald obviously denied both. Evidence shows that this shy security agent was innocently packing textbooks on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Suppository. Despite that, the government then bribed Jack Ruby, a Mafia Nightclub owner, to assassinate Oswald for a television program. But, as usual, the government returned the favor by arresting him, throwing him in prison, and diagnosing him with Lung Cancer. Afterwards they crafted a Conspiracy theory through a crooked investigation known as the "Warren Commission" translated as Commission on Nobody's Gonna Believe This Shit, whom published a series of John F. Kennedy assassination theories that contained everything - Cuba, Russia, the Mafia, Moe Howard - except for the involvement of the American government. This "another version" of John F. Kennedy's assassination is widely taught and accepted by teachers and students in America and is still to this day a popular children's bestseller.
edit The Background
After he was sworn President of the United States of America, Kennedy said: “We need to join together to fight the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself.” Three hundred miles from Washington, while Kennedy was delivering his inaugural speech, the boss of the bosses, “The Boss”, of the very special unit of the CIA and the FBI, almost choked on his whopper when he heard those words. He figured the warlords of America wouldn’t be so happy that their new, young president would oppose the war in wherever they would have to use their bombs, airplanes, apaches and so on, which happened to be Vietnam at that time.
edit The Execution
The same day Kennedy was sworn into office in 1961, The Boss and his closest allies started to excogitate a plan to kill Kennedy and blame some random lunatic who happened to be an anti-American who defected to the Soviet Union and who said he wanted to abdicate his U.S. citizenship. All they had to do was follow the lunatic and make sure he would be in the same place where Kennedy was going to be. After all, what better place than Texas, where not many people liked Kennedy? Who better man than Oswald, who allegedly attempted to kill an anti-communist only seven month prior to Kennedy’s assassination?
But indeed, Oswald, an ex-marine, ‘attempted’ and did not even manage to wound General Walker from one hundred feet with his magical, three-barrel rifle from the future. Why? Was he drunk because Walker gave him some Whiskey? Maybe, but the official reason was that the bullet shot by Oswald struck the wooden frame of Walker’s window, thus missing Walker aplenty and averting far away. Perhaps the bullet hit a pigeon or some rat, but definitively not Walker, Johnny Walker.
edit The Wrap-up
Lee Harvey Oswald, who could not kill an elephant with his rifle from 30 meters away, and who scored 212, two points above the minimum for qualifications as a sharpshooter, and 191, only one point over the minimum for ranking as a marksman, managed to kill a man sitting in a moving vehicle, from the sixth floor of a building, pulling the trigger three times at different intervals and at different angles, and not missing a shot. Conveniently enough, Oswald never made it to a court because he was killed by Jack Ruby while being ‘escorted’ from prison to jail. If that’s the way they escort prisoners, then I never want to be escorted by the Dallas Police Department. If the so called United States Secret Service gave permission to the newly elected president to underpass a building in the middle of a crowd where shooters could take a shot from nearly 10,000 angles, then a cow with half a brain is smarter than the average USSS Director.
Also conveniently enough, Jack Ruby got ill and died in jail four years later after he successfully appealed his conviction and death sentence. In other words, if the law could not kill him, then he had to be killed some other way. Jail food.
Ruby has been thought to be a goon for the Mafia, which hired him to kill Oswald. Family and friends rejected that idea on the grounds that Ruby was a loser and a pedantic son of a bitch who could not have worked for the organized crime even if he wanted to. Others insist that “he had connections with the mob.” Doh! Ruby was a nightclub operator. Everybody knows that the Mafia has connections with nightclub operators. Even Scorsese teaches us that Mafiosi get in the club without waiting in line (see Ray Liotta in Goodfellas). Ruby was just a wannabe who killed Oswald because he wanted to be and was captured soon after for manslaughter: a blessing for The Boss, who would have killed Oswald his own way if it wasn’t for Ruby.
|“||How do you put the top up on this thing, anyway? - JFK, Dallas 12:29 am CST Nov.22 1963||”|