Kenan Thompson

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“Holy Jesus Fuck he's fat.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kenan's Fat
THISONE

Kenan and E. Honda in a fight to the death to see who's fatter. Scale: the bathtub is roughly the size of the Milky Way.

Kenan Thompson (born May 10, 1978) is best known as being the fattest man alive. The Guinness Book of World Records wanted to include him in as the world's fattest man, but a picture of him did not fit in their pages. To get a sense of just how ridiculously fat he is, we here at Uncyclopedia have compiled a list of comparisons to be made. Read on.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kenan Thompson.

Fatty Mac Fat-fat

  • Kenan Thompson is so fat, that when Ultimate Jesus created the universe, he said "Move Over."
  • Kenan Thompson touches all of us with his fat.
  • Kenan Thompson is so fat, that when he shifted slightly to the right, he killed Kel. The supposed "stab wounds" were after the fact.
  • Kenan Thompson is so fat, that he has his own gravitational pull.
  • Kenan Thompson is so fat, that he single handedly engulfed the set of All That in his blubber, effectively putting an end to all that nonsense.

Health Risks

Dr. Kovorkian of the United Fatties Association says that it is completely impossible for a man to be this fat. He says that Kenan should have died of AIDS a long time ago. Without immediate medical attention, he is in serious risk of eating the sun. This deeply upsets Al Gore, as it would put an end to the Global Warming myth.

Humanitarian Efforts

Many people have tried to make him skinnier, but its just not possible. They tried telling him to eat less, but he refuses. They tried liposuction, and it worked. But all of the excess fat that was taken out deeply upset the gods, and they were forced to return the fat to its sanctuary. Some people have tried killing him, but bullets just bounce off his fat. In fact, Japan actually attacked the United States during World War II with two Atomic Bombs. Both times, they were foiled by Kenan's fat. The bombs simply bounced off him and hit both Hiroshima and Nagasaki, respectively.

The Curse

It is written, if any man should match his fat, then that man shall be condemned to never see his penis again.

Fun Facts

  • Kenan and Kel ended when Kel got fed up with all his eating and left the show. It was on his way out that Kenan Thompson made the "Shift Heard 'Round the World," killing Kel, his producer, and everybody in Universal Studios, Florida. This also caused the great tsunami in Indonesia, Hurricane Katrina, the Mt. Vesuvius eruption that destroyed ancient Pompeii, and the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction. Kenan then proceeded to stab Kel, just in case.
  • Ooheee... What up wit that? What up wit that?
  • All That and Kenan and Kel weren't really all that great, you just have fond memories of them from when you were a kid, but try watching it now.
  • Kenan's fat is said to be the life force which powers you. And you. And you, as well.
  • Kenan is black.
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