Ken Blackwell
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
[edit] A history of public service
A native of Ohio’s most progressive community, Cincinnati, Ohio, Blackwell began his interest in public life while attending Public School. Running for Student Council at Adolf Hitler Elementary School, young Blackwell soon showed the type of cunning, intelligence and character assassination skills that would one day catapult himself to becoming Karl Rove’s favorite “boy”.
By 6th grade, Blackwell was well on his way to seizing control of the entire Cincinnati School District, calling the Superintendent, who was white, an Uncle Tom. Those opposed Blackwell’s ascent were sold down the river or burned at the stake as Heretics.
[edit] ”We help people by denying them the help they need”
Blackwell was first elected to Statewide office during the Republican Party Putsch of 1994 in which Ohio voters threw out lifetime Democratic statesmen in favor of lifetime Republican politicians. From the State Treasurers office, Blackwell eliminated opposition to his seizure of the Ohio Secretary of States office.
Blackwell has supported the expenditure reduction of millions of dollars to local libraries, school districts and welfare programs by stating that “the best way we can help these people is to deny them the type of help they need.” Blackwell has also stated that he is willing to help Ohio's poor and homeless, providing "the see things my way."
In 2004, Blackwell swayed the state of Ohio’s electoral votes by offering a final solution to Democrats who wished to vote by telling poll workers to direct registered Democrats to voting booths supplied with a steady stream of carbon dioxide. According to a June article appearing in Rolling Stone Magazine by Robert Kennedy, thousands of votes in Ohio went missing, to which Blackwell swore on his ever present bible “I didn’t touch those votes.” The bodies have yet to be found.
[edit] 2006 Governors Election
Blackwell was pitted against Democrat Ted Strickland in the Ohio Gubernatorial race. Though Strickland is an ordained Methodist Minister, Blackwell's campaign painted Strickland as the head of a Satanic cult who “bathes in blood of puppies and kittens.” When Strickland’s credentials as a Methodist clergy are present, Blackwell discounts them as being a myth of the Liberal left: "Strickland is a polygamist homosexual pedophile Communist Mormon, intent on putting a black woman in every kitchen, a white woman in every illegal wet-back's bed and Steppin Fetchit as the Lord Jesus Christ, almighty!"
Blackwell’s 2006 campaign motto was: Slavery will make Ohio strong again under Ken Blackwell.
Despite all this, which had worked for Republican candidates in the past, Blackwell lost the election due to ovewhelming body odor, and the plain fact that he was from Cincinnati, which is enough of a reason not to vote for him.

