Kemnay

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Barr Irn-Bru 6 X 330 Ml Pack Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it.
Lawrence of kemnay
Lawrence of Kemnay
“Kemnay, Bloody Kemnay!”
~ Bono on Kemnay
“Manufactured from recyled polypropylene, the Kemnay is designed to enhance your living space with it's space saving layout and clean lines”
~ Ikea product catalogue on Kemnay
“We built this city, we built this city using standard materials and meeting or exceeding building regulations whilst maintaining the local architectural vernacular!”
~ Starship on Kemnay

Kemnay is a sprawling metropolis nearly 2052 people, located near Aberdeen, Scotland.

Kemnay was founded by Lawrence of Kemnay, who arrived from the Sahara with his train of camels. Having travelled for thousands of miles on the back of a camel, Lawrence realised that the future was in horseless carriages, and chose the area to set up the first automobile sales and service centre in the North East of Scotland. The town quickly sprung up around Lawrences premises, as people came from far and wide to goggle at the amazing new vehicles. This was in 1978; there was very little else to do. Lawrence of Kemnay has since moved to Inverurie, which just just silly.

Surprisingly, Kemnay is not named after Lawrence of Kemnay, in fact the opposite is true. Lawrence of Kemnay was originally known as "Lawrence of Just Round The Corner From That Little Bongo Shop In Downtown Kabul, You Know, The One With The Red Door That Sells Really Reasonably Priced Bongos". Of course he was bullied horribly as a child, as everyone in downtown Kabul knew that that particular bongo shop was not reasonably priced at all! Hating his name from an early age, Lawrence vowed to change it as soon as he could.

"Kemnay" is in fact a miss-spelling of "Mankey", the word Laurence first used to describe the area. Writing was not his strong point, in fact he only ever wrote in anagrams.

Industry

Modern kemnay miner
A present day granite miner in Kemnay, equipped with the latest tools.
Modern kemnay miner2
Modern granite miners hollowing out under Australia

As the town of Kemnay grew, it was discovered that vast quantities of granite lay beneath it's green and pleasant ground. Mines sprung up all over the area, and the ground was soon riddled with tunnels, the incredible danger posed by these entirely manual mining operations led to numerous accidents and fatalities, but the more modern mines seen today are equipped with the latest mechanical aids, such as shovels, picks and baskets for carrying the quarried rocks. The deepest mines have now penetrated beyond the centre of the earth, and are beginning to hollow out Australia from the inside.

After granite, Kemnay's second biggest export is cheese. Lacking any dairy animals(apart fae Ralph Davidson who bides in a Caravan at Benview Caravan Park just close to Kemnay), Kemnayites have been packaging and selling foot cheese which has been extracted from residents. Regarded as a delicacy by the lactose intolerant Chinese, a lump of Kemnay's finest foot cheese can sell for anything up to three drogna per qvard.

Kemnay At War

Chav handbag
Chav handbag, lethal in the wrong hands.

The Great War was a dark time in the history of Kemnay. The neighbouring town of Kintore had declared that Kemnay had spilled Kintore's pint, and asked what Kemnay was going to do about it. Kemnay offered Kintore outside for a fight, a challenge Kintore could not turn away from with so many others watching. In the frenzy of hair pulling, scratching and swinging of handbags, millions died horribly on each side. Eventually, the next morning, peace broke out as everyone realised the other was "not so bad", and whilst Kemnay and Kintore could never be described as friends, they at least make small talk at parties and send polite cards to each other at Christmas. However, the point had been made, and other towns looking on (particularly Inverurie, which had been looking a bit tasty and giving it "all that" before) realised Kemnay was not a town to be messed with, and left well alone. But dont forget that the Kemnay folk can't win as their doors open the wrong way

=Kemnay Academy

Some of the greatest minds of the last 24 years have graced the octagonal halls of Kemnay Academy. It's believed the treasure of Captain Abraham was buried under a hill to the front of the canteen. A descendant of the Captain, the French teacher Mrs Abraham, used to keep constant watch over the hill with her trusty telescope and sniper riffle. It was later discovered that there was no treasure under the hill just a mound of sherbet straws packets discarded from Carol's ice cream van.

Notable Alumni include:

Lawrence of Kemnay, town founder

Paul Lawrie, one time golf legend

Darren Mackie, no time football legend (he cant even play properly min)

The National Anthem of Kemnay

Whilst Kemnay is not a Nation, Kemnay stole Korea's national anthem when Korea was looking the other way. Kemnay then changed all the words to give the following. It is sung as a kind of duet, with one voice leading the song, and one or more others following.

Leader: "Everywhere we go!"
Others: "Everywhere we go!"
Leader: "People stop and ask us"
Others: "People stop and ask us"
Leader: "Where do you come from?"
Others: "Where do you come from?"
Leader: "And this is what we tell them"
Others: "And this is what we tell them"
Leader: "We come from Kemnay"
Others: "We come from Kemnay"
Leader: "Mighty, mighty Kemnay"
Others: "Mighty, mighty Kemnay"
Leader: "And if they da* believe us"
Others: "And if they da* believe us"
All:    "We kick their F---ing heads in!"
  • * "da" is how they say "Don't" in Kemnay.

Places of interest

  • Viewpoint, so you can see how what it's like to be god
  • The unnessicary twinned co-ops
  • the bleak shitty library
  • The arse crack of Kemnay, the skatepark
  • What looks like a jail, it's actually Kemnay Academy
  • The Youth Center, which used to be a police station, it basically still is
  • The pathetic excuse for a scout shed
  • Carols Ice Cream Van, Kemnay's national treasure, without her gummy frogs and ice batons, Kemnays' youth would resort to heroin and coccaine
  • The grumpy old man who lives in the woods, who wants to build shitty car parks everywhere
  • Ralph Davidson's Caravan at Benview Caravan Park which in the festive season is converted into Santa's Groto where you will get a different sort of present from Ralph (santa)
  • The wooden houses can be a strange place to find yourself in one moment you know where you are going and the next your completelty lost
  • The quarry just outside of Kemnay is a good place to hide dead bodies but shhhhhhhhh! DONT TELL ANYONE!!!!!!!
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