Kekkoslovakia

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Flag of Kekkoslovakia

Kekkoslovakia's flag 1956-1991. Because its symbolism was rather awkward in the post-WWII era Europe, the flag was hardly ever used. A flag featuring the silhouette of President Urho Kekkonen was the most often used substitute to this controversial design.

Official Language Didarasq, political jargon
Location The current Finland's territory
Capital Kekkosgrad (former Helsinki, today Stadingrad)
National Anthem Oi Kekkonen, sä suurin kaikista...
Currency Urkki
Population 25, 345, 089
Ethnic Composition Finnish 95,8 %
Swedish 3,2 %
Soviet diplomats 1 %
Special ability Constant re-election

"If President Urho Kaleva Kekkonen did not exist, he would have to be invented"

~Kekkoslovakia's national motto

Kekkoslovakia was a Nordic country. It was located in the territory currently occupied by Finland.

edit History

edit The birth of Kekkoslovakia

In 1951-1956 Finland was led by The Water Goblin, and his so-called "River Teri Government" (Terijoen hallitus). It mainly consisted of naiads and dolphins. They had promised to lead Finland to the Age of Aquarius. The government was truly inhuman. Finally the disastrous floods in Ostrobothnia incited people to the streets. Ostrobothia declared independence in 1956, and elected Urho Kaleva Kekkonen president. Kekkonen had been an important figure in the independence movement, and he promised to continue the earthy politics of ex-president Juho Kusti Paasikivi. Kekkonen wrote the constitution of Ostrobothnia, and gave abundant powers for the president.

It was soon clear that Ostrobothnia had to have control of the whole water systems of its river to prevent further floods sent by the River Teri Government. The rest of Finns sympathized Ostrobothnia, and quickly other Finnish landscapes had annexed to it. In the honour of Kekkonen the country was renamed as Kekkoslovakia.

The River Teri government was expelled from the country, but for a while it pretended to be the legal government of Finland. Finns built dams and reservoirs to lessen the influence of remaining River Teri Government supporters. They quit transporting logs in the rivers because guerilla naiads stole and damaged them.

edit Presidential powers

Kekkonen could be called the dictator of Kekkoslovakia. By the constitution he could dissolve or solidify the parliament, and make emergency laws at his whim. It is certain that he got the special gift of constant re-election, when the Moirae created his character by rolling dices. Some Hippie reasearchers have also suggested that Kekkonen had psychic abilities to convince people the he was an indispensable leader for Kekkoslovakia.

edit Personal cult

President Kekkonen became a cult figure in Kekkoslovakia. It was common to have a clay figure resembling him on a home altar in the 1970's. Children were told a fairytale about Baldilocks, in which the president, disguised as a hairless girl, went to the Russian bear family living in the forest and exchanged sexual favours for porridge, which he brought back for the starving Kekkoslovakian children. Kekkonen welcomed this kind of worship, which led western observers to dub him the Bald Baal of the North.In the mid-1970's, when Kekkonen was officially declared irreplaceable, gigantic gilded statues representing him were erected throughout the country. Many blocks of Finland's current capital Helsinki were demolished in 1975 to make way for a 300-metre statue called 'The Irreplaceable Father Kekkonen Smiles Kindly to the People'. The statue was sold to North Korea in 1990 and its facial features were made to match those of Kim Il Sung.

edit Vietnam War

1967 Kekkonen decided that Kekkoslovakia would take part in Vietnam War. The decision produced protests around Kekkoslovakia, but Kekkonen imprisoned almost all of the active opponents. They were sold as slaves to New Björk City.

1968 Kekkonen sent his army (600 000 soldiers) to Vietnam to conquer a colony there. The troops were lead by Colonel Walter E. Kurtz, and over 460 000 Finnish soldiers got killed there. The defeat in the war caused 1200 000 dollars lose in budget, which caused to inflation. Kekkonen executed the then Finance Minister Sakari Tuomioja and appointed Onni Hiltunen for his successor.

Kekkonen's decicion to fight the Viet Cong surprised Soviet leaders at first. However, even the Soviets thought Kekkonen was such a great guy that he must have known what he was doing. Incredibly, the Soviet Union supported Kekkoslovakia's decicion to fight Communism in Vietnam.

Recent studies at the Urho Kaleva Kekkonen Sacred Archives have revealed Kekkonen attempted to seize Vietnam's rice and sugar producing areas for financial gain. If history had taken another course, Ho Chi Minh City could be known as UKK City nowadays.

edit Economy

In the 1970s Kekkoslovakia was dependent on Soviet Union. All import products were from Soviet Union, and they made up 49,5 % of all merchandises sold in Kekkoslandia. The top-notch exports to Soviet Union were pairs of left-feet rubber boots by Nokia.

In 1979 Kekkonen decided that it would be a good idea to trade with other countries, too. Kekkoslandia started to sell chemical pulp, ionized butter and other little processed products to countries like United Kingdom and Norway. The inflation decreased remarkably.

edit Last times

Kekkonen managed to clung to power until 1981, when, due to internal pressure, he farted and resigned for practical reasons. He had simply outlived every influential Kekkoslovak politician. In his last speech he emphasized the point that he would not have had anything against another 25 years as the country's beloved leader, but he had to think of a successor. It turned up to be his son, Urho Kaleva Kekkonen Jr. The transition was hardly noted abroad as Kekkonen Jr. looked exactly like his father.

Urho Kaleva Kekkonen died in 1986. It is still widely believed, if not hoped for, in Finland that Kekkonen is not dead, but will return one day when the country is in danger. This was unsuccessfully attempted when Kekkonen's partly decomposed corpse was elected president a couple of years after his death.

Kekkonen Jr. officially changed Kekkoslovakia's name back to Finland on the 31st of December, 1990, the day he resigned from office. Nowadays Finland is a modern country, really. Really. A country with a modern and democratic government. Mostly.

It is rumored that a bald ghost with huge glasses can be seen at times looming above the Parliament building and the old presidential residence of Tamminiemi in Helsinki.

edit Dictators of Kekkoslovakia

  1. Urho Kekkonen (1956-1982)
  2. Urho Kekkonen II (1982-1991)
  3. Lordi (1991-)
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