Keith Olbermann

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Biography)
(The stare)
 
(27 intermediate revisions by 6 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
  +
[[Image:Keith Olbermann - small.jpg|thumb|right|Olbermann hamming it up for the camera.]]
 
{{Q|This is as rigged as the 2000 presidential election!|Keith Olbermann|"Legally Blonde: The Search For Elle Woods"}}
 
{{Q|This is as rigged as the 2000 presidential election!|Keith Olbermann|"Legally Blonde: The Search For Elle Woods"}}
{{Q|Fucking thing sucks!|Bill O'Reilly|Olbermann's talk show}}
+
'''Keith "How Dare You, Sir" Olbermann''' (born January 27, 1959) is the finest American sports commentator and political analyst in history. In a country where people have lost almost all faith in their sportscasters, Olbermann keeps alive the important art of sports journalism in the form of incoherent judgmental ramblings and a tiny pair of glasses. The man is a genius. If you won't take Unyclopedia's word for it ask Olbermann, he believes it as well.
{{Q|And Drew Brees stole his jacket from Martin Fry of the 80's group "ABC".|Keith Olbermann|"Football Night in America", citing a pop culture reference only two people understand}}
 
   
[[Image:Keith Olbermann - small.jpg|thumb|right|Olbermann hamming it up for the camera]]
+
Besides hosting the [[Liar|fair, balanced, and thought provoking]] [[MSNBC]] news program ''Countdown with Keith Olbermann'', he also hosts other MSNBC shows such as ''Morning Keith'', ''Hardball with Keith Olbermann'', ''Meet the Press with Keith Olbermann'', ''Mad Money with Keith Olbermann'', ''The Keith Show'', and ''The Keith Olbermann Show''. It is important to note that Olberman is integrity itself. Those that deny it hate black people.
   
'''Keith "How Dare You, Sir" Olbermann''' (born January 27, 1959), also known as '''the man with the Horn-Rimmed Glasses''' (aka '''HRG''', "Liberal Dicksuck", or simply '''Spanky''' by his mother) is the finest American <strike>fag</strike> [[television]] network analyst in the history of news. If you won't take my word for it ask Olbermann, he believes it as well. Besides hosting the most [[liar|fair, well balanced and thought provoking]] (Well, at least by DailyKos / [Kitten]Huffingtonpost standards )[[MSNBC]] "news program" ''Countdown with Keith Olbermann'', he also host other NBC shows such as ''Morning Keith'', ''Hardball with Keith Olbermann'', ''Meet the Press with Keith Olbermann'', ''Mad Money with Keith Olbermann'', ''The Keith Show'', and ''The Keith Olbermann Show''. It is important to note that Olberman's integrity is that of Lincoln, perhaps better. Keith lives in New York City in an apartment with his mother. It is Olberman's voracious reporting and his obsession for the truth that stopped U.S. President [[George W. Bush]] from repealing the term limits in the United States and seeking a presidency for life.
+
Keith lives in New York City in an apartment with his mother and his cat Miffy. It is Olbermann's voracious reporting and his obsession for the truth that nipped in the bud [[George W. Bush]]'s plan to repeal the term limits and seek the presidency for life.
   
 
== Biography ==
 
== Biography ==
Born in [[New York City]], [[United States]], Olbermann's birth is the product of [[genetic engineering]] and [[artificial insemination]]. His mother, Marie Olbermann, was unwittingly convinced by the followers of [[Satan]] to become the mother of a child who, they assured her, will change the news. Olbermann's birth was unusual, not because it was done naturally with John "Mustache" Bolton (Mrs. Olbermann's boyfriend) but at birth he had the normal body of an infant boy and the head of a cocky middle aged closeted homosexual male with horn-rimmed glasses. Baby Keith refused to ever take off his horn-rimmed glasses, even during bath rime and sleeping. His mother would eventually take notice of "Spanky's" unusual behavior. "Whenever Spanky got upset with me he would play Johann Sebastian Bach's '''''Toccata and Fugue in D minor''''' on the organ and damn me in an overly dramatic voice as being 'the worst person in the world," his mother once reflected. "He would also play that tune while going into long tirades about people he considers 'worse', 'worser' and 'worst', including our cat Miffy." Olberman was very critical of his childhood cat Miffy, usually going into long "special comments" about him while staring at what he pretended to be a camera. As mentioned here: (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7871545/), Olbermann suffers with Coeliac disease, for which he has to wear a diaper. MSNBC interns were required to mop up Olbermann's urine after he soiled himself behind his desk. He lives with his mother which is very helpful for him, as she changes and cleans his bottom.
+
Born in [[New York City]], [[United States]], Olbermann's birth is the product of [[genetic engineering]] and artificial insemination. His mother, Marie, was unwittingly convinced by [[Satan|a certain third-party]] to bear a child who, they assured her, would change the news forever. Olbermann's birth was unusual, not because it was done naturally with John "Mustache" Bolton (Mrs. Olbermann's boyfriend) but at birth he had the normal body of an infant boy and the head of a cocky middle aged male with horn-rimmed glasses. Baby Keith refused to ever take off his horn-rimmed glasses, even during bath rime and sleeping.
+
{{Wikipedia}}
Keith Olbermann was once visited by Captain Obvious, who boldly exclaimed, "You're not very fair or balanced either." There are reports that Captain Obvious has used the word "Tool" when Olbermann was brought up, but this has not been confirmed.
+
Olbermann's close relationship with his mother, with whom he still lives with, has been viewed as "disturbing" by many people. He sleeps in the same bed as her, and once during a "Special Comment" remarked that her birthday suit "is a cross between the Hogwarts Whomping Willow and Neptune's moon Triton."
 
He is a member of the Church of the Lukumi Babalu Aye, and deeply enjoys their ritual of slitting small woodland creatures throats and watching them bleed out.
 
 
Keith Olbermann was once targeted by Destro, who Olberman called "A tin-headed dickwad!" Destro was later taken out by The Burger King.
 
[[Image:14IRAQ wideweb 430x228.jpg|thumb|left|Mass grave of Keith Olbermann's victims uncovered by the U.N.]] [[File:Olbermanns mother.jpg|thumb|left|Marie Olbermann, Keith's roommate/mother. "Spanky is my joy," says she. She monitors Olbermann's bath time and changes his diapers, as the TV host suffers with Coeliac disease.]]
 
 
Olbermann has examined whether if Jesus would be a capitalist. He has also examined if Capitalism would be practiced by [[Sulla]] or [[Alexander the Great]].
 
{{factoid|Keith Olbermann has no reproductive organs?}}
 
 
== Special Abilities ==
 
 
Keith Olbermann has numerous special abilities. These include:
 
 
'''His Voice:''' his voice is ''so amazing'' that every liberal listening to him experiences an orgasm every two minutes. In addition, his voice is so powerful that every conservative listening to him explodes out of sheer rage.
 
   
  +
== The stare ==
  +
[[Image:Behind The Glasses.png|thumb|left|The controversial one-hour stare.]]
  +
On the July 8, 2015 episode of his ESPN2 show ''Olbermann'', he spent the whole hour staring angrily at the camera, saying nothing. His stare was only interrupted by commercial breaks and an occasional blink. Less than a minute after the show went off air he [[Twitter|tweeted]] "I think I made my point...". Mike Lupica (author of ''Behind the Glasses: The Unauthorized Biography of Keith Olbermann''), argues that "the stare" was a reaction to [[Chicago Cubs]] pitcher Jason Hamme benching himself due to a simple hamstring injury. However, Keith Olbermann historian Dan Patrick claims to have decoded "the stare" as Olbermann's reaction to a new flavor of Toaster Strudels, and felt that a good, long awkward stare was the best way to get his view across.
   
 
== The Great Terror ==
 
== The Great Terror ==
The Great Terror was a series of campaigns of political repression and persecution inside the NBC studies orchestrated by Keith Olbermann from 2008-2009. Olbermann, who steadily rose to NBC's number one position, sought to eliminate what he considered "Bushist" elements characterized by widespread police surveillance, widespread suspicion of "saboteurs", imprisonment, and killings. Estimates of the number of deaths associated with the Great Terror run from the official NBC figure of 3,000 to nearly 1 million.
+
The Great Terror was a series of campaigns of political repression and persecution inside the NBC studies orchestrated by Keith Olbermann from 2008-2009. Olbermann, who steadily rose to NBC's number one position, sought to eliminate what he considered "Bushist" elements characterized by widespread police surveillance, widespread suspicion of "saboteurs", imprisonment, and killings. Estimates of the number of deaths associated with the Great Terror run from the official NBC figure of 3,000 to nearly one million.
*The first trial was of 10 members of the so-called "[[Bushist Ten]]", held in August 2008, at which the chief defendants were [[Joe Scarborough]] and [[Lawrence Kudlow]], two of the most prominent former Bushist inside NBC. Among other accusations, they were incriminated with the assassination of [[Tim Russert]] and plotting to kill Olbermann. All were sentenced to death and executed.
+
*The first trial was of 10 members of the so-called "Bushist Ten", held in August 2008, at which the chief defendants were Joe Scarborough and [[Lawrence Kudlow]], two of the most prominent former Bushist inside NBC. Among other accusations, they were incriminated with the assassination of Tim Russert and plotting to kill Olbermann. All were sentenced to death and executed.
*The second trial in October 2008 involved 17 lesser known figures including [[Rebecca Quick]], [[Chuck Todd]] and [[Brian Shactman]]. Thirteen of the defendants were eventually shot. The rest received sentences in labor camps in [[Montana]] where they soon died.
+
*The second trial in October 2008 involved 17 lesser known figures including Rebecca Quick, Chuck Todd, and Brian Shactman. Thirteen of the defendants were eventually shot. The rest received sentences in labor camps in [[Montana]] where they soon died.
*The third trial, in January 2009, included 21 defendants alleged to belong to the so-called "Bloc of Capitalists Bushists", led by [[Jim Cramer]], former host of [[Mad Money]]. He was executed on the orders of Olbermann.
+
*The third trial, in January 2009, included 21 defendants alleged to belong to the so-called "Bloc of Capitalists Bushists", led by [[Jim Cramer]], former host of Mad Money. He was executed on the orders of Olbermann.
*There was also a secret trial of all people associated with [[CNBC]], which Olbermann accused of promoting a pro-capitalist agenda. All remaining CNBC talent were sent to the labor camps inside [[Montana]].
+
*There was also a secret trial of all people associated with CNBC, which Olbermann accused of promoting a pro-capitalist agenda. All remaining CNBC talent were sent to the labor camps inside [[Montana]].
   
 
[[Image:Iron Man.jpg|thumb|right|Olbermann lambastes [[Iron Man]] as a Bushist war-mongering fuck-face.]]
 
[[Image:Iron Man.jpg|thumb|right|Olbermann lambastes [[Iron Man]] as a Bushist war-mongering fuck-face.]]
 
== Keith Olbermann Quotes ==
 
== Keith Olbermann Quotes ==
{{Q|John McCain, you sir are not a war hero. You were captured, sir. A true war hero would have killed himself, sir, before giving himself to the enemy, sir. A real hero is me. Look at me, sir. Look at me. Drink it in. For I am true heroism risking my life by speaking against the powers that be. And people think you're a hero?! How dare you sir, HOW DARE YOU!? AND HOW DARE THEM!!??|Keith Olberman, after his meds wear off|}}
+
{{Q|John McCain, you sir are not a war hero. You were captured, sir. A true war hero would have killed himself, sir, before giving himself to the enemy, sir. A real hero is me. Look at me, sir. Look at me. Drink it in. For I am true heroism risking my life by speaking against the powers that be. And people think you're a hero?! How dare you sir, HOW DARE YOU!? AND HOW DARE THEM!!??|Keith Olberman|}}
 
 
{{Q|[To camera #1]''' Now, for the Special Comment portion of this show I would to talk about former president, now fellow citizen [[George W. Bush]]. HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! '''[To camera #3]''' How dare you dare to have been president, sir!? How dare you!! You just walk away from your presidency and play a farewell address, HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! '''[To camera #2]''' How dare you, sir, HOW DARE YOU!|Keith Olbermann, after his meds have worn off|}}
+
{{Q|[To camera #1]''' Now, as promised, the Special Comment portion of this show I would to talk about former president, now fellow citizen [[George W. Bush]]. HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! '''[To camera #3]''' How dare you dare to have been president, sir!? How dare you!! You just walk away from your presidency and play a farewell address, HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! '''[To camera #2]''' How dare you, sir, HOW DARE YOU!|Keith Olbermann|}}
 
{{Q|"That is why John McCain is the WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD! HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU!|Keith Olbermann, in serious need of Thorazine}}
 
 
{{Q|[[Matt Millen]], you draft a wide receiver every year. HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU!|Keith Olbermann, forgetting he is no longer a sportscaster, because he is in DIRE need of his meds|}}
 
 
{{Q|"I would trade all my success for a responsible pres-- pvvvvmppphhhhhh!!!!! Ha Ha Ha, Sorry!"|Keith Olbermann, the moment his meds kicked in}}
 
 
{{Q|"As a Cluster B sociopath, I wouldn't have any problem slaughtering all of the conservatives of this world."|Keith Olbermann addressing his hatred for all things right-winged.}}
 
 
*"Free Ira Einhorn!"
 
 
*"I never met a Fag I didn't want to tag".
 
 
*"The punishment John McCain suffered by the [[North Vietnamese]] is nothing compared to what he deserves now."
 
 
[[Image:Amd keith olbermann.jpg|275 px|left|thumb|Olbermann wishes the death of all right-wingers and their children.]]
 
   
 
== See also ==
 
== See also ==
{{Wikipedia}}
 
 
*[[Alcoholic]] or was it Glenn Beck/Fatass?
 
*[[Alcoholic]] or was it Glenn Beck/Fatass?
 
*[[NBC]]
 
*[[NBC]]
*[[Osama bin Laden]]
 
*[[Hitler]]
 
 
*[[Democrats]]
 
*[[Democrats]]
 
*[[Bill O'Reilly]] (archnemesis)
 
*[[Bill O'Reilly]] (archnemesis)
 
*[[MSNBC]]
 
*[[MSNBC]]
 
*[[Dennis Miller]] (other archnemesis)
 
*[[Dennis Miller]] (other archnemesis)
*[[Chris Matthews]] (other asshole on his network)
 
   
 
[[Category:American television personalities]]
 
[[Category:American television personalities]]
Line 41: Line 41:
 
[[Category:News]]
 
[[Category:News]]
 
[[Category:Sports]]
 
[[Category:Sports]]
[[Category:People who could benefit from getting laid more often]]
 

Latest revision as of 09:38, July 31, 2015

Keith Olbermann - small

Olbermann hamming it up for the camera.

“This is as rigged as the 2000 presidential election!”
~ Keith Olbermann on "Legally Blonde: The Search For Elle Woods"

Keith "How Dare You, Sir" Olbermann (born January 27, 1959) is the finest American sports commentator and political analyst in history. In a country where people have lost almost all faith in their sportscasters, Olbermann keeps alive the important art of sports journalism in the form of incoherent judgmental ramblings and a tiny pair of glasses. The man is a genius. If you won't take Unyclopedia's word for it ask Olbermann, he believes it as well.

Besides hosting the fair, balanced, and thought provoking MSNBC news program Countdown with Keith Olbermann, he also hosts other MSNBC shows such as Morning Keith, Hardball with Keith Olbermann, Meet the Press with Keith Olbermann, Mad Money with Keith Olbermann, The Keith Show, and The Keith Olbermann Show. It is important to note that Olberman is integrity itself. Those that deny it hate black people.

Keith lives in New York City in an apartment with his mother and his cat Miffy. It is Olbermann's voracious reporting and his obsession for the truth that nipped in the bud George W. Bush's plan to repeal the term limits and seek the presidency for life.

edit Biography

Born in New York City, United States, Olbermann's birth is the product of genetic engineering and artificial insemination. His mother, Marie, was unwittingly convinced by a certain third-party to bear a child who, they assured her, would change the news forever. Olbermann's birth was unusual, not because it was done naturally with John "Mustache" Bolton (Mrs. Olbermann's boyfriend) but at birth he had the normal body of an infant boy and the head of a cocky middle aged male with horn-rimmed glasses. Baby Keith refused to ever take off his horn-rimmed glasses, even during bath rime and sleeping.

Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Keith Olbermann.

Olbermann's close relationship with his mother, with whom he still lives with, has been viewed as "disturbing" by many people. He sleeps in the same bed as her, and once during a "Special Comment" remarked that her birthday suit "is a cross between the Hogwarts Whomping Willow and Neptune's moon Triton."

edit The stare

Behind The Glasses

The controversial one-hour stare.

On the July 8, 2015 episode of his ESPN2 show Olbermann, he spent the whole hour staring angrily at the camera, saying nothing. His stare was only interrupted by commercial breaks and an occasional blink. Less than a minute after the show went off air he tweeted "I think I made my point...". Mike Lupica (author of Behind the Glasses: The Unauthorized Biography of Keith Olbermann), argues that "the stare" was a reaction to Chicago Cubs pitcher Jason Hamme benching himself due to a simple hamstring injury. However, Keith Olbermann historian Dan Patrick claims to have decoded "the stare" as Olbermann's reaction to a new flavor of Toaster Strudels, and felt that a good, long awkward stare was the best way to get his view across.

edit The Great Terror

The Great Terror was a series of campaigns of political repression and persecution inside the NBC studies orchestrated by Keith Olbermann from 2008-2009. Olbermann, who steadily rose to NBC's number one position, sought to eliminate what he considered "Bushist" elements characterized by widespread police surveillance, widespread suspicion of "saboteurs", imprisonment, and killings. Estimates of the number of deaths associated with the Great Terror run from the official NBC figure of 3,000 to nearly one million.

  • The first trial was of 10 members of the so-called "Bushist Ten", held in August 2008, at which the chief defendants were Joe Scarborough and Lawrence Kudlow, two of the most prominent former Bushist inside NBC. Among other accusations, they were incriminated with the assassination of Tim Russert and plotting to kill Olbermann. All were sentenced to death and executed.
  • The second trial in October 2008 involved 17 lesser known figures including Rebecca Quick, Chuck Todd, and Brian Shactman. Thirteen of the defendants were eventually shot. The rest received sentences in labor camps in Montana where they soon died.
  • The third trial, in January 2009, included 21 defendants alleged to belong to the so-called "Bloc of Capitalists Bushists", led by Jim Cramer, former host of Mad Money. He was executed on the orders of Olbermann.
  • There was also a secret trial of all people associated with CNBC, which Olbermann accused of promoting a pro-capitalist agenda. All remaining CNBC talent were sent to the labor camps inside Montana.
Iron Man

Olbermann lambastes Iron Man as a Bushist war-mongering fuck-face.

edit Keith Olbermann Quotes

“John McCain, you sir are not a war hero. You were captured, sir. A true war hero would have killed himself, sir, before giving himself to the enemy, sir. A real hero is me. Look at me, sir. Look at me. Drink it in. For I am true heroism risking my life by speaking against the powers that be. And people think you're a hero?! How dare you sir, HOW DARE YOU!? AND HOW DARE THEM!!??”
“[To camera #1] Now, as promised, the Special Comment portion of this show I would to talk about former president, now fellow citizen George W. Bush. HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! [To camera #3] How dare you dare to have been president, sir!? How dare you!! You just walk away from your presidency and play a farewell address, HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! [To camera #2] How dare you, sir, HOW DARE YOU!”
~ Keith Olbermann

edit See also

Personal tools
projects