Keith Olbermann

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Keith Olbermann - small

Olbermann hamming it up for the camera.

“This is as rigged as the 2000 presidential election!”
~ Keith Olbermann on "Legally Blonde: The Search For Elle Woods"

Keith "How Dare You, Sir" Olbermann (born January 27, 1959) is the finest American sports commentator and political analyst in history. In a country where people have lost almost all faith in their sportscasters, Olbermann keeps alive the important art of sports journalism in the form of incoherent judgmental ramblings and a tiny pair of glasses. The man is a genius. If you won't take Unyclopedia's word for it ask Olbermann, he believes it as well.

Besides hosting the fair, balanced, and thought provoking MSNBC news program Countdown with Keith Olbermann, he also hosts other MSNBC shows such as Morning Keith, Hardball with Keith Olbermann, Meet the Press with Keith Olbermann, Mad Money with Keith Olbermann, The Keith Show, and The Keith Olbermann Show. It is important to note that Olberman is integrity itself. Those that deny it hate black people.

Keith lives in New York City in an apartment with his mother and his cat Miffy. It is Olbermann's voracious reporting and his obsession for the truth that nipped in the bud George W. Bush's plan to repeal the term limits and seek the presidency for life.

edit Biography

Born in New York City, United States, Olbermann's birth is the product of genetic engineering and artificial insemination. His mother, Marie, was unwittingly convinced by a certain third-party to bear a child who, they assured her, would change the news forever. Olbermann's birth was unusual, not because it was done naturally with John "Mustache" Bolton (Mrs. Olbermann's boyfriend) but at birth he had the normal body of an infant boy and the head of a cocky middle aged male with horn-rimmed glasses. Baby Keith refused to ever take off his horn-rimmed glasses, even during bath rime and sleeping.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Keith Olbermann.

Olbermann's close relationship with his mother, with whom he still lives with, has been viewed as "disturbing" by many people. He sleeps in the same bed as her, and once during a "Special Comment" remarked that her birthday suit "is a cross between the Hogwarts Whomping Willow and Neptune's moon Triton."

edit The stare

Behind The Glasses

The controversial one-hour stare.

On the July 8, 2015 episode of his ESPN2 show Olbermann, he spent the whole hour staring angrily at the camera, saying nothing. His stare was only interrupted by commercial breaks and an occasional blink. Less than a minute after the show went off air he tweeted "I think I made my point...". Mike Lupica (author of Behind the Glasses: The Unauthorized Biography of Keith Olbermann), argues that "the stare" was a reaction to Chicago Cubs pitcher Jason Hamme benching himself due to a simple hamstring injury. However, Keith Olbermann historian Dan Patrick claims to have decoded "the stare" as Olbermann's reaction to a new flavor of Toaster Strudels, and felt that a good, long awkward stare was the best way to get his view across.

edit The Great Terror

The Great Terror was a series of campaigns of political repression and persecution inside the NBC studies orchestrated by Keith Olbermann from 2008-2009. Olbermann, who steadily rose to NBC's number one position, sought to eliminate what he considered "Bushist" elements characterized by widespread police surveillance, widespread suspicion of "saboteurs", imprisonment, and killings. Estimates of the number of deaths associated with the Great Terror run from the official NBC figure of 3,000 to nearly one million.

  • The first trial was of 10 members of the so-called "Bushist Ten", held in August 2008, at which the chief defendants were Joe Scarborough and Lawrence Kudlow, two of the most prominent former Bushist inside NBC. Among other accusations, they were incriminated with the assassination of Tim Russert and plotting to kill Olbermann. All were sentenced to death and executed.
  • The second trial in October 2008 involved 17 lesser known figures including Rebecca Quick, Chuck Todd, and Brian Shactman. Thirteen of the defendants were eventually shot. The rest received sentences in labor camps in Montana where they soon died.
  • The third trial, in January 2009, included 21 defendants alleged to belong to the so-called "Bloc of Capitalists Bushists", led by Jim Cramer, former host of Mad Money. He was executed on the orders of Olbermann.
  • There was also a secret trial of all people associated with CNBC, which Olbermann accused of promoting a pro-capitalist agenda. All remaining CNBC talent were sent to the labor camps inside Montana.
Iron Man

Olbermann lambastes Iron Man as a Bushist war-mongering fuck-face.

edit Keith Olbermann Quotes

“John McCain, you sir are not a war hero. You were captured, sir. A true war hero would have killed himself, sir, before giving himself to the enemy, sir. A real hero is me. Look at me, sir. Look at me. Drink it in. For I am true heroism risking my life by speaking against the powers that be. And people think you're a hero?! How dare you sir, HOW DARE YOU!? AND HOW DARE THEM!!??”
“[To camera #1] Now, as promised, the Special Comment portion of this show I would to talk about former president, now fellow citizen George W. Bush. HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! [To camera #3] How dare you dare to have been president, sir!? How dare you!! You just walk away from your presidency and play a farewell address, HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! [To camera #2] How dare you, sir, HOW DARE YOU!”
~ Keith Olbermann

edit See also

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