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“I'm gonnae break you for breathing my oxygen”
“I've been in Keith once, I don't think he liked it very much though.”
“Twa bean pies and a tin o' coke please”
Keith (population: 2) is a small town within the SNP People's Democratic Republic of Moray in the north-east of Scotland almost half way between Aberdeen and Inverness, although which is closer has caused much debate and continues to be the hot topic in various tea rooms for those between the ages of 60-75, 73 being the town's average age. The old people talk funny too (a local dialect known as Doric) but only speak like this when English tourists are about just to annoy them. Most tourists then leave to go to Baxters up the road thinking that people speak gaelic in Baile Cheith (Gaelic for Keith, which translates into 'town of the block road pattern in the middle of nowhere with a funny little bridge and a kink in the road').
The town is divided into two parts, these being Keith (built in 1987 to support the local tartan museum, home of the Macwhooptyfeckindoo clan tartan) and Fife-Keith which is the older (pre-dating the prehistoric Skara Brae in Orkney) and obviously the far lesser part of keith. The area is of great importance to geologists as the two towns were once over 150 miles apart and have collided due to continental drift since 1983, the southern side being from near Huntly and the north side of Fife Keith, (as the name suggests) being from Fife (near Auchtermuchty supposedly) in eastern Scotland. Therefore, technically speaking this also means that The Proclaimers bide from Keith too.
As a result of a loophole in Scottish Law, Keith is now the last town in northern Scotland to permit human sacrifice and tourists are attracted to this picturesque Morayshire town on the last Sunday of every month to witness townsfolk being burned alive in Fife-Keith Square.
History and culture
The town was discovered in the 19th century by St Rufus who later became famous after appearing in the Bill and Ted movies. At this point the town was known as Kethmalruff and while Rufus had left his kindom to film in Hollywood, the region was invaded by the Picts. Since then, the town has been known as 'Keith', named in honour of Keith Chegwin who brought the Big Breakfast house and garden to Keith from 1996-97 and thankfully sacked the contending towns of Huntly, Dufftown and Buckie en-route. The town is so old and far away from everywhere else that it is the only town in the UK without a McDonalds restaurant.
During the summer, the area also plays host to the Keith Music Festival which is a music festival held in Keith. It is a venue which marks the beginning of the downward career curve of many a musical artist and attracts many a tourist with it's numerous summer attractions, mainly a burger stall that turns up now and again.
It is also custom for Keith males to have sexual relations with a family member of the opposite sex after the ban on sexual relations with animals was put in place(Although this is still practiced by some tourists from Newmill)!
Keith is a very dark and cloudy place which lacks sunlight so in order to make it look like they come from a sunny place place, local tarts tend to paint themselves orange (overdoing the make-up) or by squeezing their fat arses on a sunbed!
Health and fitness is not on the agenda for some of the local "talent" who'd prefer to squeeze themselves into clothes which may be a size or 2 smaller for them and make their behinds looks HUGE!
During World War II Keith became a major bombing target for the Luftwaffe due to its large number of 12 bore owning farmers. Hitler himself was said to have commented on how much he was shiteing himself at the prospect of as he said in his own words "takinz onz thez meelikz ootsidez thez GAz" Later due to a fortunate covering of fog over Keith the Germans bombed Huntly instead.
The second weekend in August sees the arrival of The Great Keith Country Show. Keith Show traditionally takes place over a Sunday and Monday, This is to prevent outsiders from attending the event as there is no public transport on a Sunday and no-one else gets a holiday on the Monday. The "Show Grun" (up the Lise) consists of three main parts; The ring, the top park and the beer tent.
The Ring contains various froms of 'entertainment', such as a boy doing wheelies on a bike or a boy hanging off a horse. The ring also plays host to a tug of war, pipe band, sumo wrestling, Scottish country dancing, a hanging, some vintage tractors and the grand parade of beasts, the highlight of every dunger's year. Mr Blobby received top billing in 1993. A streaker will appear and a fight will break out.
The top park has tractor-pulling & granny-pulling. This is also the only place locals are permitted to buy towels, specifically from a man in a lorry with a microphone who will tell you how much the towels do not cost, before settling on a knock-down price of three for a fiver. A fight will break out.
In the beer tent you can observe dungers and toon folk getting bleezin' and Kitten Huffing. You may also see some Newmill folk who have saved up all year for the trip. If it rains you will lose your brolly and get drookit. If it does not rain which by the way will be a f$%king miracle, you will have to carry your brolly all day and be stung by a wasps. Beer is sold for £2.00 per can with a free plastic glass which also doubles as a urinal cuz naebody kens furry boots the bog is. A fight will break out.
Between 4 and 6pm everyone at the showgrun will migrate to the square to marvel at the showies and squeeze into the Crown Bar. Traditionally everyone will have a shottie on the Ribtickler, look at the magic mirrors and attempt to eat a Steak Baguette. A fight will break out shortly before somebody takes his cousin behind one of the marquees for a quick blowjob.
There is a charge to enter the show but the "peer fowk" (poor people) can easily avoid this charge by "loupin ower the wa" of neighbouring properties by running through their gardens.
Perhaps the single greatest attraction of keith show is when the local dungers come up to the beer tent, get 'blootered' and slide down the roof of the tent. The tractor pulling used to be a great part of the show as well but some health and safety twat done away with it.
As with the whole of Morayshire, pronounced 'Muh-ray-shir' (or 'Moh-ray-sh-ah' if you're here on holiday), Keith stays in existence due to the stealthy production of whisky, shortbread and agricultural products, mainly through the cultivation of barley, hay and marijuana. Keith is at the start of the Malt Whisky Trail and is home to three distilleries. Strathisla, the oldest of the three has been producing since 1992 and is most famous for it's Chivas Regal King Size alongside it's various other tobacco products.
Despite viscious opposition from local heritage groups (mainly Huntly, as usual), Keith has a strong claim to be recognised as the birthplace of the sausage roll when James Gordon Bennett, Sr. shocked the western world (hence the saying 'Gordon Bennett') by placing a sausage inside a buttered bap on the cold winter morning of January 21st, 1821. This same man later went on to found, publish and edit the New York Herald and became a major figure in the history of American newspapers. However, although a great idea at the time, the paper did not sell well in Keith where locals snubbed his great paper to opt for the Northern Scot or the Press & Journal instead, and as a result he was sentenced to death in Fife-Keith Square. A bus-stop has since been erected at this site in his memory.
Keith is also well known for its alleged brothel community; with one in neighbouring village Newmill, and a second rumoured to be on Fife Street. Aristocrat's and government officials are alleged to be returning customers.
But Keith is most famous as being the birthplace of Grant Garrick. He learnt his farming trade in this bustling city and now hails from Dingwall
Located in the wilderness of Morayshire somewhere near Buckie, Keith can only be accessed by 4x4 although the Scottish Executive has pledged to upgrade the surrounding roads to at least 'B' road status and guarantee a loan of the Morayshire snowplough on a Wednesday. In treacherous weather however, the roads are taken in by Moray Council and are stored in large warehouses (sponsored by Chivas Brothers as seen by advertising hoardings on the side) on the right hand side of the bridge as you head towards Inverness.
A railway is present linking it with Aberdeen and Inverness but it takes on average 45 minutes to travel past Keith alone - train drivers will have you believe that it's because they are waiting the other train which has been delayed but the harsh reality is that the train is being plundered by the locals and that the ticket operator is filling the back coach with barrels of whisky.
Another branch of the railway may be found heading south. This line (originally planned for Grantown on Spey) is only 11 miles long and terminates at Dufftown as this is where the rail engineers building the track were eaten by Am Fear Liath Mor, a yeti that is known to live in the Cairngorms (no, really!).
The town is home to Keith 'we hate Huntly' FC who were famous for scoring against Rangers once (although they're not so keen the mention the ten that they let in that same game). The team has also won the Highland League a few times and like to rave on about it a lot, although they often forget that this is a league which had some of the worst teams in the history of association football as members every year which include: Brora Rangers, Wick Academy, Fort William, Elgin Shity and Dundee United. Only poor refereeing and the fact that the best players are rejects from the Aberdeen reserves prevents them from world domination...
Former Scotland team captain Colin Hendry was born here but signed for Rangers once and as a result has since been banished from the town by the town's Aberdeen FC supporting majority. Since then he became manager of Blackpool FC but was sacked as the team kept losing because team training consisted of riding the donkeys at the seaside as he was deprived of a beach in Keith at an early age. He then took up curling with his twin sister Rhona Martin and later won the Winter Olympics curling gold medal.
In 2009, Keith resident Davie Legge was Runner-Up in Mr. Gay UK only beaten by Kemnay's village idiot Ralph Davidson.
Over the last year a new sporting genius has been created. The up and coming football team are called 'the yellas' use 'the lise' as there home ground, except when the showies are in town they sometimes get booted out the way. There are no official sponsors for the team yet but there are rumours of talks with the sewing shop and alisdair the butchers. The team are all kitted out with the latest of gear including football boots and shin pads, imported in from civilised cities such as elgin or aberdeen. To sign up you need to have at least two legs, and a general understanding of the game. Please note, it is not necessary to know the offside rule for entry level players.