From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Славная Республика Казахстан
|Motto: "They of the great khram"|
|Anthem: Казахстан, самая большая страна в мире ("Greatest country in the world")|
|Official language(s)||Kazakh,Zyryanovsk, Tzakh, Cusakh, Racist, Cossackh, Russian, Russian Reversal, Insultingly bad grammar Hebrew, Insultingly bad grammar English|
|National Hero(es)||Joseph Stalin, Hitler, Zhelkek (not woman), Borat Sagdiyev|
|In 1525 from The Assholes|
|Major exports||Pubes, Jews, Prostitutes, Potassium|
|Major imports||Pamela Anderson (we hope to), Automatic Weapons, |
Kazakhstan (officially, the Glorious Republic of Kazakhstan, is the greatest country in the world in the middle of Asia. All other countries are run by little girls. Kazakhstan pecked out first of all nations from world egg by great hawk Uhtar. Shortly after this, world egg was stolen by nasty Jew mongoose. Kazakhstan renowned for much production of fine pubes.
Kazakhstan is located near China (country where everything produced by the minor of people 10) is also bordered by Tajikstan, Kyrgyzstan and assholes Uzbekistan and Putinstan (Katsapostan). This is the country fixed by the earth without the rivers, the flows, the lakes, or the puddles. The absence of water in the country is there complete. Their of inhabitant live by way to give from the moisture of others. The problem of the environment of is many Kazakh's toxic and nuclear waste which was disseminated over the entire country by testing weapons of mass destruction into 1950's by Kremlin. This presents risk as dogs which they eat withdrawal will be large and rabid and wreak of havoc on the industry of bone. Kazakhstan geography is very renowned! It in the position of shit is actual.
When Kazakhstan it was the part of the Soviet Union, most evil Of Uzbeks and Jews arrived at Kazakhstan and polluted and they destroyed the large number of earth of agriculture. Kazakhstan now has much thanks of the problems of environment to Uzbeks and to Jews; therefore Kazkhstan now imports for a series of food from the USA. But we obtain even from Uzbeks, we sneak across to Uzbekistan on the night, and piss in their grain supply!
Kazakhstan on the rescuing from "agricultural slump"; our harvests near Caspian Sea grew to the enormous size. Many harvests to grow size than bigger even than the bag of money which entire Jews steals in the year and those Jews is very greedy.
Kazakhstan was the first ever place created on the Earth by mighty great and glorious hawk lord Uthar in the year 40000 B.J. (before Jew). Uthar ruled Kazakhstan for 40000 great and glorious years filled with many prostitutes and potassium. In order to make his great and glorious super Nice people happy he created women who became the mens sex slaves. Then he created jews and gypsies so that Kazakhs would have something to use for protection (gypsies tears) and something to hunt (Jews). Eventually Jews killed great hawk lord with their super-lame Jesus. Jews were banished from Kazakhstan and went north to urban dystopia Jew town which is separated by barbed wire, mines and holy water.
During the 17th century Kazakhs blew the fuck out of the Oirats, a federation of western Mongol tribes, among which the Dzungars were very aggressive.
In the 19th century, the Russian Empire began to expand and ruled over most of the territory belonging to what is now the Glorious Republic of Kazakhstan.
After imperialism ended in Russia (1914), The Soviet Union was created and the Communists promised that the Kazakh people will get free: Education, health care, 2Gb MP3's, porn, and ice cream on Mondays. So they joined the USSR and became a Soviet Socialist Republic.
But way before all that was promised came to the Kazakh people it was too late and the Germans where invading Stalingrad and all the stuff that was promised for the Kazakh people where "destroyed and made into weapons"-Commissar Takea Abay. (All but the porn which during the war was given to Stalin to make him feel good when days were gray.)
During the Cold War almost all of Kazakhstan was a Soviet Missile test site. This explains why the largest city of Kazakhstan, Almaty, vanished from the face of the earth.
In the 1980's Uzbekistan joined the Soviet Union as well but there were mostly Jews and prostitutes. Kazakhstan was very jealous of Uzbekistan prostitutes and decided to make a movement called The Glorious Democratic front of the mighty Kazakhstan Republic which was a very anti-communist and racist movement and played a mayor roll in the 1991 Soviet coup that made the collapse of the Soviet Union.
After its independence from the Soviet Union in 1991, the former German Democratic Republic attacked the country. The invasion only lasted for a two days because communism had fallen in Germany and their beloved German fatherland collapsed.
In 2002 Kazakhstan issued a state of emergency when guerrillas loyal to Bill Nye which many knew that he was not a member of The Glorious Democratic front of the mighty Kazakhstan Republic in 1991 so therefore is a traitor to Kazakhstan.
The view of Kazakhstanis more as is regular people but actually large monsters premeditated on the domination of peace. This is must to their turbans, because are many Kazakstanis the murderers of hat. However, people of Kazakh are generally peaceful if they will not come into the contact with the Jews. It is must to China's population explosions, and through the fear of invasion cheaply by goods of factory production, Prime Minister Nazarbayev in the consultation by the Chamber of Commerce Of Almaty established the quota of the new generation of 200 children year into the woman as soon as woman it reaches time 5 and until natural death at age of 27.; "Woman which does not bear child as horse without pants" noted Nazarbayev, it was which. Kazakhstan must overtake China as nation with largest population in the world in 15 years. Many women of Kazakh are outraged by these by new course and frequently by the desire they were raped by different person.
- Borat Sagdiyev - He first President. Also the second, third, and fourth president. Known for having very large khram. Borat's mother, Asimbala Sagdiyev she was a well known victim in the Tikkistan masker of 1991 (Born 1970, died 1991)
- Nursultan Tuyakbay - He pain in assholes, cannot afford a clock radio, and he has iPod Mini (now iPod Nano). Everybody know it for girls!
- Rakki Holkezlmennaded - famous porn director, known for his works "naughty nipples 7" and "ivan the anal"
- Evgeni Nabokov - Number 1 goalie in all of Kazakhstan, who plays for the Russian team, cuz Kazakhstan's team sucks.
- Azamat Bagatov - He #1 producer in all of Kazakhstan, he fat and he have small khram.
- Urkin the Spammer - Number 1 emailer in all Kazakhstan. He send 10 email in 2003.
- Korki Butchek - He number one singer in all of Kazakhtstand, he sing "Bing Bang".
- Bertolt Brecht - He famous commie pinko revolutionary Hollywood scriptwriter. He have small khram.
- Korki Zambuchek He only rival to our Kazakhstan gold olympic plow woman. He also best cleaner of matter from horses anus
- Doctor Yamak - Minister of Sciences who made an important study on women's tiny brains.
- Dauren Djusssupov - Also know as the "tarzan" from belbulak.
- Dolce & Gabanna - A person, but maybe also a football team because everybody in the street is supporting
- Billy Sexcrime - He number two Kazakh popstar. He sing with gay man Ell from Ell and Nikki, and sing about prostitutes, and sex crimes. He legend! He is collaborating with Korki at the moment with "I love you love me love love".
- Lily Utmarkan - She now perform in Kazakh State Circus where she famous for be able to put one foot in ear while other deep inside in her vagine.
- Johnny Monkey - He dress like Humphry Bogarts and smokes cigarettes. He children's favorite and was star of Transibiersky Ekspress and many other pornos. He play good Mugham too.
- Ilham Aliyev - He Kazakh fave politician. He evict anyone who hate him. He evict all Armenians and Iranians.
Kazakhstan is glorious communist dictatorship with strong leader like Stalin who crush his opponents with his huge khram. If you not vote for him, you be sorry. Premier is head of state. Premier also is commander in chief of many glorious armed forces. Premier Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has been in office since Kazakhstan became "independent", purchased a new 7-year term in the 1999 election that Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe said fell short of international standards. They are traitors and have been execute. Until 1999, leader of government was not chosen by election, but by who could suspend the heaviest weight from his testes-satchel. Communist Party Leader, who serves at pleasure of Premier, chairs Communist Party and serves as Kazakhstan's head of government and can throw Jew 16 feet (and can suspend 9 pounds from his testes-satchel). Even stronger than Premier Nazarbayev is father of American Premier George Walter Bush. His father, Barbara Bush, (who's name means "to eat the hair around the testes sachel") have very large and strong khram. There are three deputy party leaders and 16 prostitutes in Cabinet, seven of which were ranked in top 10 prostitutes in all of Almaty by the Almaty Chamber of Commerce. Nice.
Communications and transport
Short distance communication is carried out through talking, whispering, shouting and even hand movements. Long distance communication is carried out by messenger monkeys, who ride skateboards across desert with talking, whispering, shouting and even hand movements contained in a bottle for the receiver. Transport is such a major problem in Kazakhstan that entire folk songs have been written about it to encourage improvement. Kazakh citizens hope that someday this issue will be resolved, and speak of this day with hopes for a "big party". Unfortunately, most experts agree that transport issue will not be resolved for many years to come, especially with the ever-present danger of Jews. Wa wa wee wa!
Kazakhstan is proud to be one of least polluting nations in europe. Most Kazakhs cannot afford Lada station wagon so they ride wife through desert, though the ones that do have enough monies to purchase shitty Russian automobile still prefer to ride wives. A regular and well adjusted wife does not emit greenhouse gases like the jew (who is main cause of global warming) therefore making this models a green option for the environment. Annotations of this has been directed to the nations who have signed the 1988 Kyoto Protocol to reduce emissions by 2010. Wife only needs a small amount of food and water, although some wifes are disobedient and need to kick them for fast movement.
A very popular show in Kazakhstan is "pimp my wife" with over 43 viewers per show. Is nice!!
National symbols of pride
- Eagle - the same as Harley Davidson, but not so cool... and yellow. She might be sick. Because eating yellow rabbits from the desert. They might also be sick. Sickly cute.
- Toyota Prado - even is though to be Japanese, people in the rural, urban and radioactive areas worship this car. They make reverence when they see this normally rare SUV (Super Ultra Vulgar).
- Dolce & Gabanna.
- Matthius Marcinkowski, the Duke of Kazakhstan.
- "Bobolink"- The first monkey into space, GREATEST KAZAKH EVER.
- WestBurger - the same as McDonalds, but the "m" is backwards like a "w".
- King Burger - the same as Burger King, but not so tasty.
- Pinochios Coffee - the same as Starbucks coffee, but less corporative.
- Mall-mart - A lot cheaper and more foreigners than American Wal-marts.
- Dadane's- 1950's classic American style diners. No Dogs, Jews or Gypsies allowed, women must be occupied with a male, and "chocolates" colored entrance in the back.
Things to do and see
- Melvin the redemeer: Good thing to see while in Kasakhstan is statue of Melvin the redemeer, in honour of melvin gibbons movie which reveals true nature of jews (plotting and sneaky).
- Almaty Jew Town: A visit to Almaty Jew Town is worth visit as you are now aloud to poke jews in cage and through tomatoes at them from high tower. Children can wait in creche where they can play with many toys from playdough from lego to ak47.
- Semipalatinsk: it's worth to see this natural beauty created by humans. "The most atomic bombed place all over the earth". One of those unforgettable places on earth. Fun for kids, adults and atomic monsters. You would not forget, your kids would not forget, the kids of your kids would not forget and the kids of the kids of your kids would not forget the radiation. Radiation its cool!! In the souvenir shop near the control point "Чарлие", you can get three-eyed fish. A really cool pet.
|Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics|
|Russia ~ Belarus ~ Ukraine ~ Estonia ~ Latvia ~ Lithuania ~ Moldova ~ Mordova ~ Azerbaijan ~ Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan / Krgystan ~ Mongolistan ~ Ghettoistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan ~ Tajikistan ~ other Stan countries ~ Soviet Britain|
|Azerbaijan | Cyprus | Kyrgyzstan | Kazakhstan | Uzbekistan | Turkey | Turkmenistan|
|Countries and territories of Asia|
|Euroasia||Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon|
|East Asia||People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan)|
|Western Asia||Afghanistan - Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Pakistan - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen|
|Central Asia||Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Tajikistan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan|
|South Asia||Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Sri Lanka - Tibet|
|Southeast Asia||Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam|